Being bisexual, I am very passionate about all things LGBT, to the point of getting overly upset at ignorant comments. I was with my best friend last week and one of her friends came over for a drink and chat, and we somehow got onto the topic of LGBT stuff. I came out to her and her fiancé a few months ago, so she knows I'm bi. But she keeps asking these really annoying, ignorant things. Stuff like, "So what are you? Gay or straight?" I said, both. Then she asked, "So when you meet a guy, will you tell him you're bi?" I said yes. Then she said, "But that will scare him away" I said that I'm not going to hide a part of who I am just because I'm scared that it will frighten away possible romantic interests. The debate got pretty heated, and I was quite upset by the end of the night, but I tried to keep my cool and answer her questions as well as I could. It just annoys me when people are so closed-minded, ignorant and challenging. I really wanted to slap her upside the head for being so ignorant. But I know that she probably just doesn't understand the whole concept, and that's why I tried to answer all her questions as best I could. I started to feel fake too, which just upset me even more :dry: :tears: :tantrum:
I know exactly how you feel . Being bisexual, I hear ignorant and biphobic comments all the time and it frustrates me so much! I've reached the stage where I battle to take part in a conversation with a conservative, narrow minded person.
She also said something along the lines of, "So when you're out an about, and a girl approaches you and you like her, then a guy approaches you later, are you going to tell the guy that you've found a girl?" I know it was probably just curiosity, but it annoyed me so much. By this time, I had had enough. I then started explaining to her about how bisexual people don't fall in love with every single person they come across, and then said that just because I'm bisexual, doesn't mean I'm going to cheat in relationships and going to want to be with the other sex. I am a one-person woman, so no matter what gender the person I'm dating is, I'm going to be faithful. The conversation ended abruptly because I think that she was too drunk to even give a fuck, and I just let it be. We then put up some nice tunes and made general chit-chat. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stand for any biphobic or homophobic comments from an ignorant person. My parents are a different story. I'm dependent on them for a roof over my head and food in my belly, so I just grit my teeth and try not to explode from anger. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave over ignorant people's heads to make them see the LGBT community the way that we see each other: Normal people wanting love and affection. :dry:
I hear so much of this! There are loads of people who are just casually homophobic, like they won't hate you for being gay but they will laugh at you or treat you differently for stupid reasons, and it ALL stems simply from ignorance. I hear these things from my best friend too :| a school classmate of ours has a sister who is also a lesbian, and when she was telling me this, she said "so if you ever need a girlfriend there's one option" and I said I don't even know this person, that makes no sense. What I felt sad about was she didn't really understand why assuming that just because two people are homosexual, they will automatically be compatible partners, was stupid. She just kind of laughed it off. This kind of thing happens way too often...
Still (thankfully) haven't experienced this personally yet. I've seen that kinda stuff online and indirectly especially pertaining to bisexuals. At this point I've come up with plenty of counter statements, though can't be sure I'd remain calm enough to use them. I think for the most part this ignorance comes from two groups of people. One group is genuinely unaware about people of other sexualities and are open to others viewpoints. Then there's the second group. They don't understand and they don't want to understand. Its the latter group I wouldn't waste your breath on.
Not to mention those daft individuals who think only men can have sexualities, and if you're a gay women "you just haven't met the right guy yet". it infuriates me to no end but I attempt to hold my breath. It's near impossible to educate someone who isn't willing to listen, I should know, I used to be one.
i dont think she was being rude shes curious i think you are sensitive to it and acting like a victim when you aren't. there are worse things happening to LGBT people in other countries than someone who's actually TRYING to learn more or to understand bisexuality. If a gay man asked you this i bet you wouldn't be so mad or a lesbian. I am gay and i dont understand bisexuality but thats because I'm gay not bisexual id probably ask the same questions as she did to understand kore about it and you. dont be so upset ok? i think you felt it was confrontational and i wasn't there to hear her tone of how she was saying things but to me she sounds interested in understanding you more. you'll always be a victim if you make yourself one.
That's quite an interesting take on this. I tend to take things like this very personal, and since I've only really spent time with her on a handful of occasions, I don't know her all too well. It could've been just curiosity, but she came forth as quite challenging, like she's trying to make me feel bad or something. Maybe I just read her wrong. But yeah, like I said, I am overly sensitive to most things anyway, so maybe I took it the wrong way. Thanks for your input
^^ That's a possibility but I'm inclined to disagree. There are many people in the world who see sensitive issues as an opportunity to practice their debate skills, rather than to learn about different viewpoints. I personally have come across SEVERAL people like this. They are more concerned about being challenging and winning the argument than listening. Of course I don't know the context for the particular discussion that OP had, but the fact that the argument became heated suggests to me that it was this kind of a situation. Also the fact that it left OP feeling so unhappy. A healthy discussion shouldn't do that at all. (also this is slightly irrelevant but I happen to be from one of those countries where LGBT people are arrested/lynched and I think feeling this way is perfectly valid. Telling people to stop worrying about something because there are worse things happening in the world usually doesn't lead anywhere, in my opinion)
If these are as serious as her questions got, then you are overreacting. I honestly don't see anything offensive, maybe slightly annoying but nothing that couldn't have been handled on the spot. Are you leaving something out that made you upset?
It wasn't so much WHAT she said, but more HOW she said it. I didn't like her tone of voice. She came across as very challenging, and that immediately put me on the defensive. But you're probably right. I guess I overreacted
I agree with this post. I think your anger was justified... If she could tell you were getting frustrated and kept pressing on I think that makes it worse, too. There's just a lot of biphobia in our society right now so I think you have a right to feel on edge when people ask ignorant questions. It's like for lesbians when people ask us "so which one is the man in the relationship?" Like, sure they're ignorant and they might not know any better, but that doesn't make it any less infuriating. ~_~
When we come out to people it is important to brace ourselves for questions that may seem silly or ignorant and we must try our hardest to answer calmly and honestly. If we react with hostility and anger it will do nothing to persuade or educate people. In actual fact, a hostile response could lead people to believe that we are not happy with our sexuality, reversing any progress we might hope to achieve. Outside of LGBT circles, awareness is not great (it's not always great within LGBT circles) and we do need to make the effort to inform people when we come out and afterwards. If we set our face against questions, because they appear malicious or provocative we will never make progress. I do understand how hard it is and I'm not belittling your experience Ruby Dragon, but I would ask you to take a deep breath and step back unless you are faced with overt intolerance and biphobia. It's possible that this acquaintance was baiting you, but it's hard to prove so try to avoid giving her the satisfaction by reacting. Maybe offer to send her some reading material instead of getting wrapped up in a verbal altercation.
Thank you Patrick. The more I think about it, the more I think I may have been a little bit too sensitive, and overreacted as a result. I usually don't mind educating people who are genuinely interested to learn. I'm not making excuses because both of us may have been a bit too defensive about our own viewpoints, myself especially. It could be that she was more frustrated by her own limited knowledge on the matter, and she then came across as challenging, and with myself taking things in general (not necessarily LGBT stuff), too seriously and personal, it ended with two frustrated people, and we didn't really reach a point where she understood clearly what I was trying to say. This time, I am the guilty party because I got upset. But that's how we learn, right? By making mistakes. If the topic should ever arise again in future, I will be sure to answer calmly and clearly and not get frustrated and upset. It's all a matter of biting my tongue when things get heated. Valuable lesson learned
What makes me extremely disappointed is when members of the LGBTQ+ community diss each other. I don't see that behavior on EC, so this isn't in any way a testament of how people are on here. But I've witnessed people give each other shade simply for being of different sexual orientations...because even though we all fit into the category of LGBTQ+, we all have different levels of understanding when it comes to the sexual orientation/gender identities of others within our community. And it's okay to ask legit questions to learn about one another and create more understanding within the community. But to outright dismiss or put down or label others within our LGBTQ+ community is pretty messed up. I've experienced this myself, with someone who I thought was a good friend of mine. We're still friends, just not close lately. I have a gay guy friend, and one day, before I had fully come to terms with being a lesbian, I told my friend, "I think I like girls." And he just said to me, "Aww, you're going through a sexy bisexual phase!" I told him that it's not a phase and he, of all people, should understand that labeling someone's sexual orientation as a "phase" is fucked up and not okay. It's like a dismissal. Then he got all asshurt and said, "Well I think you're asexual because you never have sex with anyone." I was just like, what the actual hell are you talking about?? I was so irritated that he tried to dismiss my sexual orientation, then tried to label me and put me in a box...I'm sorry I don't have sex with everyone I meet, but jeez must you go so far as to totally dismiss what I had told you?? I let it go, but I was just deeply upset. It's like he was not only putting me down, but also making assumptions about bisexual and asexual individuals, which did not sit well with me either. I've had a shitty track record when it comes to coming out to my friends. Another one of my (former) friends completely stopped talking to me when I came out to her. That was last year. Now I see her around town sometimes (we live in a small town), and she always points to me and whispers to whomever she's with (like a friend or someone like that) and then they act appealed or they giggle like they're children. It's like, grow the hell up. :dry: The funny thing is, she's always been all for equality and rights for everyone, and she was always an advocate for people of varying sexual orientations and genders. But apparently when it has to do with someone she knows, she can't handle it. She's straight, just to clarify.
Damn, that sounds horrible, Shoei Loei! Yeah, I had the pleasant encounter of being unfriended AND blocked on FB by someone I also thought was open-minded and accepting. Oh well, no real loss to me, I deleted her number off my phone too. Don't need two-faced bigots in my life. She probably didn't like that I had the guts to come out on FB...
I'm sorry you've had that experience too, Ruby Dragon! But you're right; it's their loss. Anyone who's a bigot and just wants to make you feel unhappy isn't worth having in your life! Or any of our lives for that matter. Better people will come along, and at least we've got a community on here and among other LGBTQ+ peeps! We have to stick together sometimes haha. We understand each other. Some other people in or lives might shun us or take us for granted or misunderstand who we are. And the ones who want to learn about who we are and be our friends are awesome people. But the ones who are stubborn to remain narrow minded aren't worth our time.
