After 5 years, I relapsed. I feel like such a failure right now. Following a fight with my mom, I had these emotions that burst out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. Anger, sadness, frustration. Even though I've found a teensy bit of release through crying, there was still some raw emotions waiting to be set free. So I grabbed the knife I was chopping carrots with and sliced my wrist. I feel extremely guilty and I have let myself down, broken my promise to myself to never cut again. All it took was a split second of weakness and poof! Gone are all my other coping mechanisms. Five fucking years and now ... well now I have to reset to zero :tears:
I'd be a liar to say I understand your predicament. I don't, but I can say there's always a better way. Sharing with trusted friends/family, cool down with music, or really anything that gets your mind occupied. There's always a better way. Hang in there, you got this!
I just feel like I've let so many people down, including myself. I'm one of the people who encourages other self harmers to seek alternative coping mechanisms and now I have set a terrible example by falling back on a dangerous coping mechanism. And this after 5 fucking years
If you fell on your face, would you lay there or get back up? Falling down, tripping up, and screwing up is a part of life. Learn from your mess ups and try again.
Even though you relapsed, you have the strength to have gone five years without self harm. You have the strength to get through this too.
It'll be alright! Pick yourself up and carry on. You can do it. I know you may feel really bad, but bad things happen and that's fine. What matters is how you go on from there. (*hug*)
I second this. I know you feel like you've let yourself and others down, but the coping mechanisms sound like they generally worked for you if you went 5 years. It was a moment of weakness, which we all have, and that's ok. You can continue to be an example by trying again. You can be an example to those who have gone through this by not giving up. "You try, you fail. You try, you fail... but the only time you really fail is when you stop trying." I am sorry to hear about the unfortunate interaction with your mother. I hope the situation improves, and you can pick back up where you left off! Also, one thing that helps is to ask yourself if how you talk to yourself is how you'd talk to a friend. If it isn't, you may want to change it. I'm proud of you. (*hug*)
Like the peeps above said, when you fall down pick yourself back up. There's no failure in falling only in giving up. Look at it this way, 5 years of keeping a promise against self harm despite stress and pain I'm sure you felt. That's very commendable! You should be proud. In a moment of weakness you faltered and that's ok. You're not a machine, you're human, you'll make mistakes. Nobody is an exception to this. If you want to really move past this, accept your actions and resolve to not do it in the future. You said reset to zero, I think that's great. Clean slate, new day, stronger promise for the next time life test's you. And I hope you feel better soon(*hug*)
Thank you so very much everybody. After a night's rest, I feel better, but I cannot undo what I've done. At least my mom and I are on speaking terms again, albeit a little bit forced. You all made me feel better about what happened, and I think each and every one of you is wonderful. Thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement. I agree, if I could have gone 5 years without self-harm, I can do it again. I know I can. I just have to take it one minute at a time, eventually minutes will turn into hours, hours will turn into days, weeks, months, and finally, years. (&&&)
