growing frustrated with the expectations of sex with gay men. in this turmoil of coming out, i have moved to another state and larger city. i was kinda comfortable with the gay bar back home and was able to find dates on apps and things. but here i guess i almost have a fear to even try since im somewhere new, mostly because there seems to be an expectation for sex as soon as you find yourself attracted to someone amongst the gay male scene. im currently very disinterested in any kind of sex. so i don't know how to continue, find someone, or get past this fear. i guess i feel like id be leading someone on? idk
Couple of suggestions: a) If there is one in your town or nearby, check out the local LGBT community center or equivalent. Often they will host (or know of) various social get togethers and events, and they are almost always looking for volunteers. In this way you can get to know people in a situation in which sex (or even dating) is not really a factor. You may make friends, and eventually more than friends (if you want) - but the starting expectations will be very different. b) If you're not into sex (or sex early on) right now, that's fine. Own it and be open about it and move on. Simply saying something along the lines of 'I'm just checking things out' or 'I'm just wanting to hang out tonight' (say, if you're in a bar) or 'I'm just looking to make friends before anything else' or the like. This gets the message across (for most, anyway), and doesn't present it as something that you feel ashamed about or the like. Because if you treat something about yourself as worthy of shame - some number of people will likely find a way to agree with you. If you just treat it as a normal part of yourself - some number of people will likely find a way to agree with you. Hope this helps, Todd
I looked up the events at the local LGBT center because that seemed like a great idea, AKTodd. But unfortunately it looks like the only regular events coming up are transgender support groups, AA meetings, or other things that don't really apply to me. I also have a bit of social anxiety I would have to push past, but that's doable if there was something appealing to attend.
I'm finding that. As soon as someone is untreated it's ubsean messages and picks of there naughty bits It would be nice to get to know there personality first
I would still contact them and ask about other events or groups in the area. They may know of some even if they aren't hosting them. Beyond that, you could look into LGBT sports teams and leagues in your area (You don't say exactly where you are in TN, but I did a quick google and turned up three groups, including bowling and rugby, in Nashville). You could also look into any LGBT friendly churches in your area, along with political and/or charity groups. Hope this helps, Todd
Establishing boundaries is always important. If someone doesn't understand that you're not into that, then they're not the person for you. I understand being worried about such things. Being a sex-repulsed asexual, I live my life in fear of the day that a partner of mine asks me for sex. I know that if I'm with the right person, it won't matter that I say no, because they will understand. But I still am afraid of when/if that time comes. The point is, there are definitely people out there who will understand your feelings, and will absolutely respect your decision and not try to pry you for sex. Don't give up hope. Denying sex is also not a lead-on. It's a personal choice.
It's very important to lay out the expectations in the beginning. Not only does it convey your message in as clear of a tone possible, it weeds out those who have a little bit lower ones. Dating a person is not actually always about sex, and most of the time people will be able to handle the 'news' in a respectful way. I'd at least hope they'd be adult about it..
Well, I've contacted the center through email and will be attending an orientation to do some volunteer work this weekend. I'll see how that goes, but I'm not sure what to expect. I've never volunteered anywhere before. I actually moved recently so I'm not in Tennessee anymore. I'm in a fairly liberal city that seems to have a healthy LGBT scene. I've only been here three weeks though, so getting out and making new friends is important to me right now.
Personally I don't like sex at all. I don't think I've ever really been interested in it. There's a dating site in the UK that is specifically for non-sexual types but I won't name it. Perhaps there are similar dating sites/apps in your country?
I'm in the same boat. I stayed a virgin until 27, finally had sex and didn't like it and figured it was because it was my first time, did it a second time and still don't care for it. I live in a small city and it's already hard enough trying to meet other gay guys let alone asexual gay guys.
