I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just want to go and kill people somedays. Everyday I think about killing and harming and torturing others. I don't want to do those things but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I'm so angry and stressed out and I'm terrified I'm gonna snap one day and I don't want to lose everything. My family is already scared of me and I don't want them to be. I also have suicidal thoughts. I just want to have a nice life but it's impossible for me. I just want to die sometimes and be free of the worries of life. I want to tell my psychiatrist but I'm afraid she'll report me and I'll be sent away. I don't like thinking about violence but it's impossible for me to not think about harming others. I've fantasized about killing people I see on the news like murderers and rapists. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think my family would be better if I was dead.
I can relate to how you feel. I hate and despise most people who exist now as well. I am starting boxing so I can beat the shit out of people without legal consequence to help release the frustration I am forced to supress. Being forced for your entire lifetime to conform to the coddled ignorance of straight people hatred and bigortry can have very negative effects on who you are. The only thing that stopped me from killing myself is the fact that I have family and other people I have met in my life that would love nothing more than to see me do it deteriorate into nothing and give them something to talk about. Fuck them I will never give a single one of the bastards that satisfaction. Even if I hate the entire world I will be damned if I let it force me to go away when its the world that is at fault not me and not you. I cant speak for why your angry but if your gay and your here on this website maybe your angry because the world was not designed for you or I it was not created with either one of us in mind. We have to find our place in a world and a society that was not designed for us. We have people who tell us how we need to feel while never having ever lived a day in our life. We have people who tried to tell us the extent to the pain we have experienced and faced while never having to have faced it themselves. Being surrounded with such stupid ignorant people who try to speak to you as if they know shit while they know absolutley fucking nothing about it is annoying and exhuating. I know your angry and upset but please dont hurt or kill yourself or anybody else. Why should you somebody whose life is made inherently harder simply by being who you are deserve to have an even worse life? If you do either of those things it will only make your life harder. People think we are weak inferior and do not deserve to share the same erth as them dont kill yourself and leave us fuck them. You deserve to be here just as much as anybody else even more so in my opinion. Why do you think the suicide rate among the lgbt community is what it is? Because that shit is hard and it is not easy that is apparent. People think we are so weak we are 10 times fucking tougher than them. Dont give up and dont throw in that towel bro to many people want you to do it always deny them that satisfaction. Can you talk more about what it is thats making you so violent and suicidal? I know you said you feel lonely as one who prefers his solitude and the abscence of ignorant people I cannot relate on that front. However there is a community of people that exist here and with that said I know you "feel" alone but I hope you know that you arent.
As someone with schizoaffective disorder, a severe mental illness, I remember the days when I was tormented by thoughts. I know it might sound weird, but if I was like that again, I'd voluntarily commit myself and try new medication. I would do anything practical to stop those thoughts.
You sound like me. I have had violent thoughts, but would never hurt a person due to fear of prison/consequences. It's not even directed at a specific person, it's hatred toward society. I'd suggest therapy. You won't be reported unless you have a legit plan to hurt specific people.
Everyone has socially unacceptable thoughts now and again. You say you can't stop the thoughts and that you're distressed by them. Therefore, I think it is time to tell that to your psychiatrist (if she is competent). You're not earning any prizes by enduring this, so please consider telling her how distressed you feel (*hug*) I've discussed morbid things with medical professionals (it went fine)
This pretty much sums it up nicely. Everyone get bad thoughts from time to time, as long as you don't act upon them, you're on the right track. you didn't actually hurt anyone, in the end. although i think some thoughts can be extreme, due to mental illness and such, but the key is to control yourself. don't blame yourself for having these thoughts.
