Anyone else feel the need to be controlled by someone/something?

... And no, i'm not talking about abusive relationships or similar things some submissive men/women like to fantasize about, for some reason, i have enough respect for myself to not want someone to degrade me. i'm talking about someone who'd give me orders and i'll fulfill them, for a price. like for example.. bodyguards, they take orders from the person who hired them, and in return they get cash. that's exactly what i want to do for a living, it doesn't have to be necessarily guarding someone, though. it's about the concept of "getting orders and fulfilling them for a price".

i think it has something to do with the fact that i don't have the will to live or to do anything at all, so someone giving me orders would arrange my life and give it a sense of direction.

 

And i should also add, that doesn't mean i'll mindlessly take orders from random people. it's just some one, a certain one. you could say i just want that person to arrange my life and give me a sense of direction cause i can't find that in me. and not in a violent/abusive manner, like we could discuss the things they want me to do together. i think the title may be a little bit misleading.

 

I'm not sure, i don't ever remember me having dreams/goals or anything. i always just, sorta existed. and the major depression that i have only made it far worse, it actually made me drop out of high school for two years and completely cut my ties with all my friends/relatives.

I kinda see why they choose this lifestyle. it's way easier for some people to just register orders and act upon them. you don't have to involve your feelings so you can just disconnect yourself and do your job. but for example, if i was the boss of a certain job i'd have to think about my actions and start doubting myself if i could make the right choices or not, on the other hand jobs like soldiers, bodyguards doesn't require that.

 

Well, i'm no expert in psychology either. but since it's me i can give it a shot.

i think it's just the fact that i'm a weak-willed guy, i don't mean weak as in i let people walk all over me and treat me like shit, i can stand up for myself fine, but as in i give up easily, also i don't seem to trust myself at all. before getting my driving license, when i first started to learn how to drive my mother would give me her car and tell me to go drive around on main streets on my own, and i'd refuse cause i know there's a big chance i'd fuck up and cause an accident or something, and not having a license would make it worse. even though i drove on main streets before and do know how to drive fine, but i still didn't trust myself so i've waited til i got the license. so unless i 100% know how to do something i don't do it.

 

Teachers criticizing me doesn't men anything to me. unless it's a teacher i like as a human being, which is quite rare. and they usually don't criticize me anyways cause i go to school for a purpose not to play around.

as for my parents, they do it a lot, and a lot of time it gets harsh, but i'll gladly accept it from them cause they're my parents, they've raised me and i know they're doing this for my sake, unlike teachers who only do things cause it's their job, most of them don't give a shit about the students.
btw, i'm not a high school student anymore. that was couple of years ago.

I'm also independent when it comes to daily tasks, like ordering food, shopping and such, 99% of the time i do these things on my own, and i'm mostly alone when i'm out in public anyways so i have no other choice. i'm talking about the long-run here.