Hi I'm tired of balancing various commitments/feelings. It is sort of hard to explain. I'm Muslim but I understand the community will not like me due to being gay. So it is hard to live in that environment. I'm constantly having to hide it, which is tiring. It is more awkward when people suspect you are gay, especially your family members. Then you have the LGBT community. I'm not trying to judge the community itself but they seem...not to be helpful as they appear or claim to be. I know that is not true but it is just how I feel. I sort of found a way to keep both sides of me happy. I accept that I'm gay but I simply do not have any personal relationships with another guy in order to practise Islam. But I still feel a bit sad. I'm happy that I found a balance but I feel like I'm asking for too much. I don't want a relationship but at the same time I do? I'm really upset in general. I don't like asking for advice at times because I find other people tend to be judgemental as opposed to understanding where I am coming from and then offering some sort of advice. I also feel sad because most people I have met are self-centred. They just think about themselves, have huge expectations from others and offer nothing in return. I'm just sort of disgusted. I feel like I have no family at times. I doubt my family will like me if I'm gay. So they only like me because of what I appear to be. I feel really upset about this because I don't really have anyone else. I don't have friends and obviously I don't have a boyfriend. It is not like I can go out and make friends. I can't force people. I'm actually a very self-sufficient person. I don't need tons of social interaction but at the same time I feel very alone. I sometimes think about dying alone. I would really be happy just to have a friend but everyone that I have met never keeps in touch. Once my parents die, I will be all alone. That is gonna be weird for me. I go work but it is not the same thing. I'm just there to do a job. It cannot replace my social life and I have very little of it. I don't even know what I am typing. I just feel like I'm typing random crap.
I'd really like to advise you but I just don't know what to say. I'm not too good at putting my thoughts into words. I know there are many members here that'd be only too willing to help though.
I just want to tell you that I can understand how your two identities are at odds, but look at the bright side. You live in the UK, and I am sure there are lots of Muslims there who are allies and openly support gay people without fear! You'd have to do some research but those people are out there. And remember--and I do not mean to offend your beliefs, forgive me if it comes across like that--that the interpretations of Islam vary, and that you can adapt it. If Allah is love, then he loves you because he made you like this. And he wants you to be happy.
