writing attempt.

[gemerency]

well i tried to write a fight scene. i just want to see what all of you think about it. constructive criticism please

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/gemerency/2123-round-1-oxide-vs-keem.html

[Jbright]

I really like it

[Jbright]

Try to use a lityle more imagry. That might help

[gemerency]

thaaank you

Just remember that whatever I say next, it's only because I would like to see your writing improve. You have talent, but I'd like to build on that.

It's like PWP, but with fighting. There isn't really a plot to take a foot hold of. Instead of having character biographies, it would form a richer world if you introduced the characters within the story and gave their respective descriptions there. To further your characters, you have begun to given them distinctive fighting styles which is great. Keep building on that.

Also, you really should think about getting yourself a decent editor. Your grammar and spelling aren't hugely distorted, but if the professional aspect of it was more professional it would make for a better read. (I wouldn't mind beta-ing for you if you want.)

You tend to put details in weird places and leave them out when they should be included. These people seem to be invunerable. They don't bleed or anything that would naturally come from being thrown through a wall. "Keem slid and rolled for a distance of eight feet before he stopped and was able to stand back up." For exactly a distance of eight feet, eh?

Lastly, I think that dialogue is not your strong point. It feels stiff and choppy in places. The characters are flat and very similar when they speak. I would either try to cut back on the dialogue or refine what you have.

I would like to say that you plan out the fight scene rather well. Fghts scenes can get repetitive and you have mostly avoided that pitfall. Keep working on it and I'm sure you will improve with leaps and bounds.

[gemerency]

Originally Posted by Numfarh

Just remember that whatever I say next, it's only because I would like to see your writing improve. You have talent, but I'd like to build on that.

It's like PWP, but with fighting. There isn't really a plot to take a foot hold of. Instead of having character biographies, it would form a richer world if you introduced the characters within the story and gave their respective descriptions there. To further your characters, you have begun to given them distinctive fighting styles which is great. Keep building on that.

Also, you really should think about getting yourself a decent editor. Your grammar and spelling aren't hugely distorted, but if the professional aspect of it was more professional it would make for a better read. (I wouldn't mind beta-ing for you if you want.)

You tend to put details in weird places and leave them out when they should be included. These people seem to be invunerable. They don't bleed or anything that would naturally come from being thrown through a wall. "Keem slid and rolled for a distance of eight feet before he stopped and was able to stand back up." For exactly a distance of eight feet, eh?

Lastly, I think that dialogue is not your strong point. It feels stiff and choppy in places. The characters are flat and very similar when they speak. I would either try to cut back on the dialogue or refine what you have.

I would like to say that you plan out the fight scene rather well. Fghts scenes can get repetitive and you have mostly avoided that pitfall. Keep working on it and I'm sure you will improve with leaps and bounds.

thank you.
i have a lot to work on

but i will work on it. and i would love to have you edit for me. if you could bear with my dangling modifiers and grammer fails. yeah the speech dosn't work but i didn't change very much at all from the rough draft.

(and the reason they seem to be invulerable is because these guys are just epic characters that are very important to the creators of them. i just didn't want to kill or cripple somebody to badly. else Xerkz my hurt me O.o)

anyways thank you, i'll try and improve and have another story coming up soon.