Dont forget......

[Sexiross]

k ....i wrote a poem....and a sweet guy told me that i had a talent in writing.... so this is my premier world wide... of my writing...... this poem is called dont forget....enjoy!!

...... please.... just look at me... do you reconize the face that you see...... holding hands ,walking on a empty street. You looked into my eyes...but said no words..... you looked away as if the look hurt.I know there is something there...but you wont let it show... you care too much what others might find and know.


Earlier that year.... I was walking on the street.... two swarving lights came rushing straight at me. I woke up to the sounds of screaming terror.... while a sobing voice was... somewhere over there. The rest of it was just a blur... but all i new was that my body hurt..... weeks go by...but i cant see... i do hear voices talking to me.Then your voice comes through me.... telling me that your sorry... that there is a secret that you wanted to tell me.... that you feel different when im near see.... when i told you i loved you...you were scared.... you new you were straight so it was weird. But secretly ...you loved me too! But even though you wanted me with you... others judge and would call us fools.... and you were scared to be wronged and crueled.

A year goes by.... and i confront the truth.... that you loved me and i do sure love you...... but you looked at me and said may i help you... you walked away while i started to cry... i told him that i heard his true side... he looked at me... and wispered really low....and said i do love you...but thats as far as we go...... based on self experience....

There is this magnificent and magically orgasmic button called 'Enter' and I would like it very much if you used it. I would've liked to read poetry but reading that jumble of text is far too difficult and it strains my eyes. Please, please, PLEASE format it in a more...legible sense.

Thank you!

Edit*
Have you seen the way a poem is written? The format and paragraph style? I don't mind creativity but this is pretty messy. I'd love to read and critique it but I need to be able to not ruin my 20/20. (Might want to use terminal punctuation, indention, ect.)

Edit2*
Oh, and use upper case I in place of the lonely i's.

I'm going to let you answer this because I am a realist and I know what I say may sound cruel or harsh. So, do you want my critique? I'll gladly give it, but I don't want to seem like I'm attacking.

In your original were there elipses though?

Corina?
Wanderer?

[Sexiross]

k ill make a note

:P I'll let some other people give commentary first.

[Just Adam]

keep it up and keep improving and youll have something someday to be truely proud of, youve got potential if you learn how to use it and then youll be a man my son lol

[Sexiross]

thank you

[Just Adam]

no worrys mate

When I critique it, I'll show you one of my poems. Lol I'll give you a very detailed critique. XD And my poem sucks btw, but it took me a while to get past my pride to realize its faults, sadly. Are you going to do something with your writing abilities Ross?

[Sexiross]

The egigma...say what u need to... i can handle any feed back

[Just Adam]

haha nice work on the name hehe

[Sexiross]

Originally Posted by Just Adam

haha nice work on the name hehe

woops ...sorry... im kinda out of it lolhavent slept in 14 hours

I will. I give you my word. I'm actually talking with the author of Rebirth Of Rhin. After that, gotta reply to some other stuff then I'll give it.

Okay, first things first. The ellipses or (...) is something that should be used a little more...modestly. They usually mean a pause in speech or skips in dialogue but I think you're using them incorrectly or at least abusing them here. And it makes you poem drag on endlessly. The ellipses make the spacing jarring, baffling, and offensive to my eyes which is something you never want your audience to feel. If you can't get them to read the poem in the first place, it's going to be thrice as hard to get anyone to enjoy it.

Second, I am not sure I would call that poetry per se. I know this is going to sound snarky but there's almost zero rhythm, rhyme, or lyrical/thematic consistency--in my opinion, mind you. It's more like a long lost love letter, or perhaps a mangled narrative. Stylistically, pretty much anything can be a poem but you don't want the audience to think its not when it is. (according to you) There's very little description, provocative detail or imagery that can pull you in and paint a picture.

Third is grammar. Proper grammar or at least basic sentence or lyrical structure is key to having someone read a poem. Look at it; even though you 'fixed' it, the text is still difficult for some. I'm not asking you to have a dictionary or Keys For Writers book handy, just make it more visually appealing and unintimidating. I'm not sure 'swarving' is a word either.

Fourth, who is your audience? Don't say, 'you' as that is not what I mean. Before writing a book, pamphlet, poem, lyrics, you should know who your audience is. Even if just telling a small tale, there should be a purpose or meaning behind it. Maybe your thesis was implied, but I couldn't really see one because it was more narrative than anything else.

Fifth is a general good idea; vary your sentence structures. People will get bored if they read "John went home. John has a BF. BF wants to have sex. John and BF have sex."
or
"While on his way home, John stopped and obtained a beer from a local Dairy Mart so that sex with his BF would be enjoyable in the least because he dislikes having any form of physical contact with the one who'd share his life with him eternal."

If I try and say that with one breath, I nearly have to call an ambulance.

Now, I'll also show you how you should not write a poem by sharing one of mine. Lol I should first start off by saying I'm absolutely terrible with poetry and I wanted to take a while stab one day. I must warn you, I was having an episode of chronic retardation. And it is grammatically incorrect in many places. I am not too proud of this one. It was spawned as a rough draft to a possible Denali entry but was ultimately scrapped.



Just The Wind~

Bittersweet blight, sorrowful solitude closing in.
Regret closes tight, and the wind blows again.

Sea of hands, grains and crystals of fractured light,
Heart of listless emotion, eyes of hollowed might,
A temple broken and shattered, cracking, creeking, deep in spite,
words better left unspoken, echoing songstress of the night.
Tattered drapery, ripped old linen,
Moonlight tells the tale, many fresh young women,
and the wind blows again.

Stars screaming cries, halo of the broken Sun,
Solar eclipse, dewdrops of unspoken nights,
Laughing, dancing, swaying grass,
tiptoeing steathily beneath her ass,
Chivalrous knight , cod piece removed,
Revealing thrustful fight, sacred soul inducted into the harem of night,
Cry to thy self, cry to thy caressing breeze,
Cry to thy father, somber fruitful tease.

Unbreakable metal crafted chains, built link by link from tears long past,
Earthquake of the soul,
Crater filled emotions en mass, wilting womb of hopes long end,
and the wind blows through again.

Harsh scars of envy, frostbite of lament,
Tempest of enmity, prays beg to repent,
Sihhlouette befriended angel, demon crazed delusions ignite,
Passionate ember lit bonfire, cold sweat drenched remorse,
He tells her, "Why so tender--It was just intercourse,"
She refutes, "Oh, how sincere. You really are the worst."
The Wind whispers through her ravaged body in the cold sheets,
"Fair maiden no longer fair, let me carry you away, storm off with me and release all from within,"
And just then, the wind blew again.

But, if you want something of better quality--I can give you that. I have a series of short poetic stories I call "The Void." And also a short story on Christmas that would appeal to most older members.

Hope that was helpful. Thanks.

One of these days I'm going to break the 'quick reply' button. Lol

[Sexiross]

thank you on the insight...it made me alittle stronger...and i do feel like you helped me in a big way!!!!

[Paralyzer]

Um, I'll be honest and say I didn't read your whole essay, but, in defense of incorrect usage of elipses, I favor it. And yes, I acknowledge it's improper use in my respones.

In my defense, however, I only use them incorrectly during colloquial situations such as in my responses on EC.

I follow grammar rules when I must be formal.


And omg, no offense xD...
I just felt like saying something irrelevant...

"Omigawd! No Wai!" - Stupid advertising emoticons

I think you get your point across, but I do agree that the grammar/spelling destroys the worth of the poem. Your tense changes make my brain bleed.

Put on your grammar-glasses, folks! I'm going to translate (I will change as little as possible).

Please, just look at me.
Do you recognize the face that you see?
Holding hands and walking on an empty street...
You look into my eyes and say no words
You look away as if the look hurt.

I know there was something there, but now you won’t let it show.
You care too much what others might find and know.

Earlier this year, I was walking on the street when two swerving lights came rushing straight at me. I woke up to the sounds of screaming terror while a sobbing voice echoed somewhere in the distance. The rest of it was just a blur.
All I knew was that my body hurt.

Weeks went by and I still couldn’t see.
I could hear voices talking to me.
Then your voice came through to me.
You told me that you’re sorry.
That there was a secret that you wanted to tell me.
“I feel different when you’re near.”

When I told you I loved you, you were scared.
You knew you were straight and it was weird.
But secretly...

You loved me too!

But even though you wanted me with you, others would judge and call us fools.
You were scared to face all those that were cruel.

A year has gone by and I confront the truth that you loved me. And I still love you. Now as you walk away, I am crying. I am telling you that I have heard your true side. You look at me and whisper, “I do love you, but that’s as far as we go.”

Eh. It's not perfect, but it is hella lot easier to read. Keep working on your poems. I am sure they will improve with time and hard work.

SECRET: I was once a thesaurus thumper.

I knew you'd come along Corina. Someone to count on! <3