Before it was legal

I date from more on the cusp of things (the grey ages?) then the dark ages, but in my experience, from the late 80s to mid-90s (when I met my husband), the following options were on the table. In no particular order:

a) Gay Bars - Along with getting to be open about your sexuality, bars also provided a ready venue for meeting somebody and going back to your/their place/a hotel for sex. Or maybe the alley out back. Or your/their car. Or a dark room or corner of the bar in some places.

b) Bath Houses - Rather like bars but with a more direct focus on sex. These were fading rapidly by the time I came out (never actually been to one) due to the AIDS crisis and probably the start of the social changes engendered by growing acceptance of LGBT people.

c) Personal Ads - In Tucson, these could be found in the Personals section of the local 'alternative' newspaper (this was before apps, or smartphones, were a glimmer in anyone's eye). You posted a brief message about yourself (height, weight, what you were looking for) in an abbreviated way, and the paper assigned it a 4-6 digit number. The Personals section included a phone number that you dialed, then entered the ID number to listen to a recording you made telling more about yourself, what you were into, what you liked doing (generally this was pretty 'clean' or clinical - I don't remember if the paper explicitly limited the kind of language you could use). If someone liked your add, they could leave a recording indicating their interest and complimentary traits/interests and a phone number you could reach them at if you wanted to get to know them better. This could lead to anything from a hookup to a date to a relationship.

d) Cruising - This was generally the act of putting yourself in a place known to be frequented by other men seeking men, finding someone who you liked and who liked you (this could be indicated via eye contact, articles of clothing, rubbing your crotch, following each other around, and various other methods depending on the time and place). Locales included parks, public restrooms, and other semi-private or isolated places. The restrooms at the University of Arizona (my alma mater) were apparently at one time listed in various gay men's publications as a great place to cruise. My supervisor when I worked at the library would disappear for long periods - I later learned he was having sex in the bathrooms.

e) Circuit Parties - Never went to one of these, but as I understand it - picture a big party with lots and lots of horny men (and booze and possibly drugs) all there for the purpose of having fun and having sex. Different places and times of the year hosted different parties. Not sure how much of a thing these still are (anybody with direct experience of these want to chime in?).

f) Locker rooms - My first experience with a guy was in a locker room after martial arts practice. He was showering next to me and basically started doing stuff to...get my attention. It took a couple weeks for me to figure out what he was doing and why, but it eventually led to us hooking up in a toilet stall. We got together maybe half a dozen times over the next year or two and then I initiated something with another guy (via his phone number left on a bathroom wall), came out and went on with my life.

g) Networking - You're gay, you have some gay friends, you sort of form a family or tribe of sorts. You go out together, possibly hook up with each other, throw various sorts of parties, to which friends are invited. They in turn bring other friends - who you may become friends with or hook up with (and so get to know their friends in turn) . In some cases, what starts as a hookup turns into a relationship that lasts for years or longer. Sometimes the rest of your life. Which can actually be said about most of the other items on the list as well.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

It's interesting where people think the "dark ages" start. I came out in the early nineties and I feel like I missed them entirely. I've lived in largely gay neighborhoods for the past twenty-five years. I led a gay and lesbian book club at a major national bookstore for years starting over twenty years ago. Even back when I was single (I've been with my husband for eighteen years) I belonged to all sorts of openly gay organization, clubs, etc. I met guys at the beach, in the grocery store, the gym...

As for some of the things Todd mentioned, I've done some of those too. I met my husband in a bar. I've been to the baths--I think there still are one or two here in Chicago. I've been to quite a few circuit parties over the years. I have to say that in my context there was never really anything all that furtive about any of these things. I met guys at the gym all the time--but we didn't have to do anything there, we'd just go home with each other. Nobody really hid much--the way I think of it being forty years or so ago. It really depends where you are, not just when you are. It's not the necessity that it may have once been for a young man to head to the big city to lead a big open queer life. But it's still an option...(!)

 

yea, they still exist in nyc. i'm probably guessing they exist in the big cities like los angeles, madrid, new york city, or even chicago. you just have to look really hard to know where they're being held. i think with the social changes progressing, they're becoming a bit less frequent (all the list in general). far as i know bath houses, locker room, bathrooms, all still exist, and they're definitely part of the "cruising culture"

i think it's interesting to learn about the stories before it was legal. it gives me a lot of perspective on what lgbt individuals had to do before we had any kind of technology that basically gives us the map of the world.

 

I was honorably discharged under DADT in 2005 for an online profile that said I was bisexual. I'd met plenty of guys online tho, had made a few gay friends where I was introduced to my first bf, and I'd even gone to a few gay bars WAY out of town.