Lately it has started to dawn on me how much my negative thoughts have been stopping me from doing things. My family have started to suspect I may have a chemical imbalance, and admittedly I think they might be right. I’ve been this way pretty much all my life, I can’t really think of a time where I was ever joyful and positive. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a small voice in my head telling me that I’m useless, that I somehow deserve less than everyone else. The only thing that makes me feel happy is helping others and giving advice. That only lasts for so long, and then the voice comes back and scolds me because who am I to give anyone advice? I’ve never been particularly motivated towards anything, and I lack enthusiasm. I struggle to find anything that can catch my interest, everything just seems dull, and when I do try and get into something the voice comes back and puts me in my place. “You’ll just mess up, don’t be stupid, you deserve to stay in and not ruin things for others”. I guess it makes sense when I think about it, even from Primary school I’ve been treated like less than others, and Secondary didn’t help either. I think back to the times where they’d make me stand behind the curtain at show performances, and how my partner in badminton would never let me play because I “was an embarrassment”. I joke about it, but even to this day instances like that add up and play on my self-esteem. It makes me feel inadequate, and fed up with life. Things just feel so routine, but if I try and break out of that routine it makes me feel nervous and like I’m doing something wrong. I’m always second-guessing myself. I feel like I should’ve done more with my time, and that I’ve screwed myself over. I need more hobbies, I need to get out there, but I don’t even know where to start. It’s gotten to the point that the only thing I look forward to during the day is going to bed. I try and enjoy conversations with others, but then my mind reminds me that I’m going to die someday and that the trivial conversations I have probably won’t matter when I’m on my death bed. My mind reminds me of how insignificant my life is. I’m not suicidal, just fed up. I’m sick of constantly being so down, and people tell me that I’m depressed because I’m clearly too obsessed with myself. I try and help others, and sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me going. That and my fantasy stories, they help me escape from reality. I don’t get people who feel motivation, I wish I felt motivated. But the kind of inspirational posters you see, they don’t really help. I just end up dismissing them, I’ve grown so cynical that I don’t really trust anything anymore. People tell me I’m too cynical for my age. What does motivation feel like anyway? To me life has just felt like a rather dull checklist, does anyone actually enjoy their work? My family keep telling me they’ll find something I’ll enjoy, but I doubt it. Unless that thing is sleep, because I certainly enjoy that (except when I have disturbing nightmares). Can anyone relate? Any thoughts? :help: :icon_sad:
From my own experience and from what I've seen, there are several steps you can take, with something else to keep in mind while doing them. The first thing I'd suggest is to find a shrink/therapist/psychiatrist to talk to about this. If you really need to, get diagnosed. It helps to know what the fundamental problem is before trying to tackle it. Something else I would suggest is to find something you like doing like a hobby or something that has a market that interests you. I know a lot of people in animation, film, cartooning, welding/car making, all down to business that absolutely love what they're doing and that's why they keep at it. Personally, I have a lot of things I love so it's hard to pick for me. I think I'm going in a direction that allows for all of them, though. I used to dismiss those kinds of posters (and I still do to a degree, because I know they don't do shit for someone with diagnosed depression. That kind of thing comes more from within and with help) Do those things and keep in mind that your situation might simply be unique. What I mean is that not everyone who goes to a shrink goes about it the same way. Not even the people who have the same diagnoses do. Allow yourself to try out what they tell you to do, and allow them to help you. The only thing that gets in the way of a better life is if you don't. Don't think you have to do everything by yourself. That was a huge mistake I'd made in my teens. I'll also let you know that once you get out of secondary school, life can be weird and it can take you to places you might have even doubted you'd go. For example, during my entire teenhood and even up until this year, I'd doubted whether I'd ever live on the same side of the Atlantic with my boyfriend. I moved to Norwich this past September, and I'm currently a student at uni. It was only 2 years ago that I was essentially kicked out of my other main college for not paying the tuition in time, and also falling just below passing and graduating. A lot of things can happen in such a short amount of time. Hope that helps ^^
I know life can be very tough. I have been through (and still am) almost the exact same thing. Things really can get better. I remember a time not long ago i didnt see any reason to live anymore and its a scary situation to be in. I got out of there tho. If you ever want to talk to me or whatever dont feel afraid to messsage me on my wall ok?
First off (&&&) I know exactly how you feel, because I've been there. The best suggestion I can offer is to get help. I wish I had when I was your age. I finally saw a psychiatrist last year, after a very dark period. He diagnosed me as bipolar. Which does explain alot and my mother was bipolar, so think I know where I got it from. I also saw a therapist for a while. We didn't really click, so I stopped going. I recently started using the website joyable.com. While it is targeted at social anxiety it does help with my general anxiety. When I was seeing my therapist I did learn that my environment made my symptoms worse. My job was amplifying them and I was just miserable. It was a good job, but a couple of months ago I couldn't take it anymore. I switched jobs and am much happier. One thing I learned is that I need a project I can engross myself in, so I don't sit and dwell on things. After I finish up with joyable I do think I am going to start seeing a therapist again. Part of the reason I didn't click with my last one is that I was ignorant and didn't understand what my problem was. So I wasn't able to articulate it and he went down the wrong path. I don't blame him, as he was working blind. So please get professional help, and don't get discouraged if it doesn't help at first. There is quite a bit of trial and error involved.
