... do people feel regret? I don't mean 'Do they regret getting married and promising to spend the rest of their life with the one they love?'. Because we know some people do... That's called divorce. What I mean is if they hurt someone else to get their love, their happiness, would they regret getting their love? I've been thinking about the love triangle I was recently involved in. For the newer members who don't know, I'll explain... Mike and I met and started dating. It was wonderful and blissful... Blah, blah, blah... All that stuff. Anyways, I introduce him to my (then) friend Terry because the three of us would be spending a weekend together as part of a music conference. Mike and I were in the choir and Terry was in the band. After that weekend, Mike started to get sort of Terry obsessive and vice-versa. I would talk to Terry and he'd tell me he spent an hour on the phone with Mike. I thought nothing of it, only "Oh good! They're friends!" Well, eventually I found out they were cheating. Mike swore to end all ties with Terry and Terry told me how repulsive he thought Mike was. I bought it. So, I go to Germany, Mike goes to army training and everything is wonderful until December. Mike breaks up with me 5 days before Christmas and then 6 days later he and I were talking and he tells me that he and Terry are dating now and they had been dating for the past month. Which means he was cheating again. I informed Terry, the two break-up, Mike apologizes for everything and I offer Mike another chance (stupid mistake... I know). So 8 days or so before our 1 year anniversary (we weren't going to start over after all of the break-ups and shit) I read a blog by Terry about how in love he was with Mike and how heart-broken he was when Mike left for the army. He went on to write about how Mike and he were together again and that it would work this time because all outside factors were taken care of (I assume I'm the 'outside factor'). I called Mike, broke up with him and told Terry that Mike and I had been together like everytime. Terry acted surprised, but seeing as he didn't break up with Mike... It didn't seem to bother him too much. So now I wonder... Does Terry feel any regret ruining what Mike and I had for his own happiness? Remember, he and I were friends... Friends don't do that to friends. Do people feel regret over love if they have to hurt someone to get it?
My belief is that we can't choose our emotions, but we can choose our actions. It's clear that Mike and Terry had strong feelings for one another. The right move then would've been for Mike to tell you that he was falling for Terry, and that you two should probably break up while he sorted things out. This no doubt would've been difficult for him, and painful for you. But it would've been the right move, and although you might've been jealous and/or hurt about the thing, you probably would've grown to understand and accept the situation. But Mike didn't. He decided to see Terry behind your back. Not once but several times. He may have justified it to himself by saying he was "saving you the pain", but of course, he made it all the worse when he was found out. And he compounded the error by not making it stick. He didn't just walk away - he said he wanted to be back with you, and kept seeing Terry behind your back. Mike probably couldn't help having feelings for Terry. He definitely COULD help how he dealt with those feelings. Will either of them ever feel regret? Maybe once they're much older and wiser, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I can't say as I know them any, but they strike me as people who probably tell people that it was fate that brought them together, not one of their then-current boyfriends... Lex
I think, by nurture, some people are psychologically trained from an early age to be rather one directional, that is thinking only of their own personal needs, wants, desires, and goals to the exclusion of all others even those who love them. Such persons typically are impulsive and not reflective in their decision making or in the day to day living of their lives. To the extent that they do not reflect on the content of their lives and their interactions with other people there is no regret or more properly there is no sorrow. Regret is a subjective emotion brought about by a self-disappointment; whereas, sorrow is an objective emotion relative to the hurt caused to the 'good' or 'well-being' of another. From personal experience and in my experiences as a counselor, one should be very careful when dealing with impulsive people. They may be fun, but in the end, they often lack consideration for others. This is not a conscious act of omission on their part, but simply something they likely never learned. Compassion, like all human behavior, is learned. Not that anything that I just said likely makes you feel any better, but know there are some people in the world who are able to truly put others first; they therefore are able to love and not just simply to use. Love is never abusive.
Schadenfreude FTW! I felt the same way when my ex broke up with one of the people she cheated on me with.
