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I need guidance from someone who has been in my shoes

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by RaspberryPonies, Feb 25, 2017.

  1. RaspberryPonies

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    I simply do not know what to do. I am lost for the fact that I am bisexual, and my family, particularly my father, is a couple shades away from homophobic. I have a very close family dynamic, but no one knows my true feelings because I am capable of hiding it so well. Between anxiety, depression, and Homosexuality, I've become quite a chameleon. I can be anything anyone would want me to be.

    But I don't want to be this anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to hide anymore. But I feel with my family's mentality, exposing how I actually am, would shun me from my family forever. And losing them weighs worse than carrying on a false representation of who I am. So far, for ever.
     
    #1 RaspberryPonies, Feb 25, 2017
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  2. morningside

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    RaspberryPonies,
    You don't indicate your age or whether you are living with your family members or if you are dependent on them at this time for support (shelter, food, transportation etc.). And, it is only if you are having a relationship with a man that any problem for them arises. So my response is predicated upon yourahave or intend to have a relationship with a man.

    If you are dependent on them for support then, in view of the opinions they hold, I could not encourage you to come out to them. I realize that statement may receive criticism. But I think having your support removed presents a danger to your future especially if you are in high school or middle school. Wait until you are independent of them. Then any harm presented by their prejudice will not jeopardize your future.

    If you are independent of them for support, then you have to weigh the merits of being open with them versus your relationship with them being damaged or coming to an end. There is a possibility that your father's homophobia may be mitigated when he realizes that someone he (presumably) has loved for years is gay. But if this is a religiously based prejudice then I think the probability of "being shunned" is greater.

    I think if you are independent of them and single then the above sums up the issue. But, more important, if you have a partner to whom you are committed the forced hiding of your partner from your family may cause hurt to him and damage the future of that relationship or another such relationship in the future.
     
    #2 morningside, Feb 25, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2017
  3. ifemme

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    I hear you. I have never come out completely to my family because I'm terrified my father will disown me (I'm his favourite) and, sadly, I feel like I won't act on my feelings for women publicly until he has passed on. Luckily I am independent and an adult so I don't rely on my family for any financial support, but I understand how hard this must be for you. I feel like half of my life is a lie.
     
  4. morningside

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    RaspberryPonies,
    Morningside again. Thanks to ifemme for reminding me of the great emotion you confront in balancing your sexuality and your family. Sorry I was being so practical in my first reply to you. I do understand your anxiety and depression. I spent many years in middle school and high school and college hiding that I was gay and avoiding acting on my feelings so I would not be discovered. I was fortunate and did not have to face prejudice at home.

    From your description of your feelings you seem to be feeling isolated and feeling dishonest. So, do you know personally any other LGBT people whom you can meet with and confide in and share with them your feelings of anxiety and your fears. I think having even one such friend would help sustain you in this difficult time. I know CSU has some gay groups, but I can't tell if you are of an age that would allow you to engage with the college groups.

    I appreciate and respect your desire to no longer hide from your family who you are, but I just can't encourage you to open up to them if it is going to be harmful to you. You are too important. Your happiness and security is far more important and valid than being open with people whom you know are predisposed against your Bi feelings. Being honest with others, to my mind, does not encompass your giving information to people who would then use that information to hurt you.

    Sorry, I do not have a "here's how to do it" answer for you. But take heart and keep in mind that it is they who have the problem by embracing hate. Please see if you can find a way to get to get close to other LGBT people who can give you the support you are missing.