My Sexuality: a short story

Im fairly certain that I am a lesbian, but before I come out I really want to be fully sure that this is not just some phase.

I have been processing this for about 2 and a half months, but I think that I was just oblivious to this all along. Over the past months I have been trying to compile all of my feeling into a cohesive "essay" for lack of better term. so here it is:

I used to be obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend, but I would never show interest in guys and would ignore any and all advances from them. I remember walking around campus desperate to lock eyes with just one guy, any guy, but never found myself getting any attention. I would hope that one day I would just stumble into someone and we could be together, get married, and have a family. In my mind it would be simple, one and done. Recently a guy went out of his way to come up to me and tell me he thought I beautiful, I muttered back a "thanks!" and moved on with my life with a boost in my self-confidence. And I continued to form "crushes" on different men throughout the week, imaging us together (sounds pathetic in hindsight, but it is what it is). I attributed all of this to being picky. When family members asked about boys, I would I was waiting until I was older and boys were more mature, or that I just wasn't interested in dating right now. Lies.

One day met one girl who sparked this awakening, it was like a day and night change. She was older and married, but I looked at her and saw a person that I would spend the rest of my life with. I saw her in a way that I hadn't ever seen these guys that I had been ogling for the last 20 years. It wasn't until I let these thoughts enter my mind that I realized how happy I could be with a girl. I wanted to get to know her, know everything about her, learn every part of her body, feel her hair, hold her hand, spend hours just talking about everything (sounds creepy... but the difference between these feelings and the one that that I thought I had for men were night and day)

This opened a whole new realm for me. I was no longer super nervous in the presence of men like I had always been. I had no reason to be, I did not have that desire for them to like me. They were just people.

As I felt my attraction shift toward women, I did not find myself feeling super self-aware in front of girls, even the attractive ones. This was one of the biggest signs in my opinion, that this was not just a phase. Everything felt natural and there was no sense of urgency to find a romantic companion.

Even having written this, I feel like I have gotten my feelings sorted out even better. Though I still feel like I have doubts, they are starting to fade. Maybe this is just the last of my deeply rooted denial about this while gay thing. I am still in the closet, but I am assuming the people closet to me already know that I a lesbian (honestly, they probably caught on way before me), and those who don't know will be supportive of me when I decide to tell them. I feel like I am in a good place, even though these thoughts consume my mind 24/7. The feelings are still new and I need time to continue to think through them.

My only concern is that with time, I may realize that this was just a phase. I don't think that I will end up being straight but I just want to be completely sure before I starting coming out. Though I know my friend will be supportive, they are all girls and I am convinced that our friendships will still change after telling them.

I don't know if this post really warrants any responses, but if you can relate or have any comments please do! I would love to hear what other's have to say.

Since this post is already super long, I would just like to say how awesome this space is. I can't imagine how i would have processed all of this without this safe place to do so.

the end