When does it stop hurting?

there's light at the end of every tunnel, you just have to keep moving forward and you will get through it.

I know what it feels like to be a burden, to be hurting the ones around you when you are trying to help yourself at the same time. But you have to keep reminding yourself that coming out to those around you is a part of being honest. Ultimately the ones who stick around will be happier that you accepted that part of yourself and they will be glad that you've been honest to them about it. You have to help yourself before you can help others.

 

Oh hey, I'm from Minnesota too!

Sometimes, in the back of my head, I feel sorry because if I come out to my mom, then she'll have to deal with her childhood friends in China who are extremely homophobic. My mom is already losing touch due to those "friends" condoning racism, and she stopped keeping in touch with her high school teacher who said that "Jews deserved the holocaust" I think it is right for my mom to stop contacting such horrendous people, and I know that my mom will still love me if I come out. But I know that coming out will have more of her childhood classmates hate me and therefore have her feel angry and betrayed. (like how she felt when she stopped being friends with another classmate who felt that my father's abusive behavior is ok and that "you and the children are overreacting") It feels like it'll be my fault for being bi, even though it'll really be those classmates' fault for being close-minded. Honestly, being a queer Asian is so complicated! I don't know any queer people who are accepted by their Asian parents, while my other queer acquaintances are accepted by their parents. (but none can relate to being Asian which can feel lonely sometimes) Plus, half of my closest friends at school, whom are Chinese-American like me, are just LGBT-phobic. If not, their parents most definitely are. Sometimes the thought of most people I know, who are a part of a largely atheist racial minority in the US, being LGBT-phobic confuses me. My best guess is that those sentiments came from the People's Republic of China making same-sex sexual activity illegal during my parent's generation. (supposedly due to rich people losing morals and choosing to be gay....what?)
I'm also worried that my mom will think it's her fault for me being queer because my father is abusive. In reality, my orientation has nothing to do with that...

Anyway, if it helps to say, you got a fellow Minnesotan feeling the same way I guess. (you're not alone)

 

The guilt and the shame get better eventually. It just takes time. Don't give up, you'll get there.

 

What a sweet video!! Thanks for sharing that! I felt sorry for not trusting people sooner and still have more coming out to do. That mom's response to her son is perfect and hope you'll believe what she said.

I feel kinda pissed for not knowing I was gay sooner. I'm a smart guy, but maybe too literal on some things so the real definition of gay evaded me for a long time due to shitty gay representation in the media and no one using the right definition. We grew up in a toxic environment with the fear of AIDS, gay bashing and murders in the news, horrible lies said about us when DADT, DOMA and all the other anti-gay legislation and amendments were in the news and the people around us saying anti-gay stuff. Some people have the courage/confidence/self-respect to just do it and come out quick. I think I used to have more of that, but lost it somewhere, especially since realizing I'm gay so many years ago. I'm working on getting that back and coming out helps me with that. By claiming that part of me, I'm more fully me and if anyone doesn't like it, that's their problem. I know it's easier said than done and many others on here are much better examples than me.

I hope you're feeling better and please don't lose hope. I have ups and downs a lot too. Yesterday and today have been up days and I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can and not fear the eventual downturn. I learned that from Brene Brown's work. Check out The Gifts of Imperfection or her other books at the library. I just started reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and it's inspired me already, but maybe that's because I was already in a good mood. Whatever it is, I'm trying to keep pushing forward and enjoy the good days.

Here's a link with the first 20 pages of Brene's book I mentioned in case you're interested. https://www.hazelden.org/HAZ_MEDIA/2545_GiftsofImperfection.pdf

Take care!!

 

Listen to what his mum is saying. You can't help how you're born and who you love. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is the one in the wrong, because they lack the empathy to understand what it's like to be in your position. I know it can be hard to stop yourself from spiraling in to dark places, but please understand, you have done nothing wrong, you are hurting no one, and there is no rational reason for anyone to treat you badly on account of your sexuality or gender. Many people lack the awareness or desire to better inform themselves about things that don't directly concern them, and they're won over by cruel and ignorant opinions, purely based on the mouths that spout them. You are better than that, and you deserve better than that. We all do. Seek out those who are kind and understanding, and those in a similar position to you. You'll find people who will genuinely listen and understand what you're going through.

I don't know if you've heard of the 'it get's better' project, but I promise it does, and when it does, we will keep on fighting the good fight so that the next generation doesn't have to suffer through the same cruelties. Hang in there, and know there's a community out there that will always support you.

 

My family not accepting my gender is something i something i fear and think about a lot. But i'm comforted by the thought that i'm not alone and there are a lot of people here that are going through the same troubles that i am. What gives me determination to keep my head high is the fact that i'm me and there is nothing i can do about it so there is no point in restricting myself. I'm gonna be as manly and butch as i like and i'm not even going to explain or justify myself. I'm always going to be me and there is no one i this world that can take that away from me. So what i want to say is love yourself because you are worth the love and it doesen't matter what other say or think. You've got people who will support you and give you advice, even if just here on EC.