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Exwife and live in Boyfriend going to give me an ulcer

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by brians34, Apr 11, 2017.

  1. brians34

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    My ex and I separated about 1 year ago and she moved in with another man.

    This was after my coming out, and I had no problems with her and am very civil with her, we have a 15 year old together.

    I just recently asked a boyfriend of about 8 months to move in with me.

    Thing is, my ex moved out of the house and she and her man live in a duplex with little room. I told her she could leave her things at the house until she got a job and got more situated.

    Now, with my boyfriend moving in, he sees her as the "other woman" and really wants her things out. I told him that I had already promised that she could leave her things there and give her some time. I told him that I'd move everything to a back room out of sight.

    Well I've packed that room and still have "stuff". I told her that I need her to at least find some place or reduce what she has so we can get it to fit.

    She says, "It's just not right that someone that is not family wants to just come in and take over." She starts crying saying, "I've got nowhere to put the stuff." She hasn't been able to find work, she teaches and moved about an hour from where we live.

    There is a lot of clutter with all her stuff piled that I haven't been able to get in the room and he is OCD about clutter.

    So, I have him saying, "She needs to just get her s*** out of there." Me telling him I told her I'd give her a couple years to get settled, but compromised by saying I'd get it in that one room out of sight.

    Then I have her saying that she needs time to figure what can go and what she wants to keep.

    I won't to help her out as much as I can, I really care about her and want to help, but he's also right in that I asked him to move in and this should be our place not ours and hers.

    What to do?

    Your opinion, what would you do?
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    That's really tough. Your boyfriend feeling as he does isn't irrational to me at all. And your ex, well you want to help her and that also isn't irrational to me. I thought your solution of moving all her stuff to one room was a very fair one. Perhaps you could rent a storage space for her stuff? They're usually not too expensive (I used to pay $120 a month in Manhattan for a large storage unit) and it would take her stuff out of your house and out of sight and mind for your boyfriend, while still giving you the chance to help your ex.

    If I could afford the storage unit in your shoes, it is what I would do.
     
  3. brians34

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    Living on a budget at the moment, so couldn't rent the storage or I would.

    He kept after it and basically saying she needed to get her s*** out of the house. I had already told him prior to him moving in that I had told her I'd give her a couple years to get situated and I'd get everything moved out of the way.

    It wasn't her fault the marriage ended, it was me coming out of the closet and we are still very good friends. I asked him to please be a little patient and it would be gone soon enough. He told me it sounded like I was scolding him and that it was me that asked him to move into the house.

    I told him, I wasn't scolding him, that I was just asking for a little patience. He left off to a room and said he just needed to be by himself for a little while. He came out after a few minutes and said he was just going to go to his mom's house. Anytime we have a discussion about anything, this is what he does. He leaves and doesn't contact me for a bit leaving me to wonder if he's left me or what. So this time I decided I wasn't going to be left wondering, I told him that he might as well pack up his stuff and move back to his mom's.

    Sucks to be alone, but I will get by. I told my ex that I told him to take his things and she started crying saying she didn't want this to happen to me, that she was trying her best to get things out of the way. I assured her it wasn't her fault, she had worked hard trying to put 18 years worth of stuff into a single room. Her parents had recently passed and she also has things of theirs she wanted to go through.

    She's living in a duplex and trying to find a job to get on her feet, I'm not going to bully her to get rid of everything and I just really felt he was being very unreasonable. I do understand his view, but he knows there is nothing further between she and I except for being friends.

    If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want an exes things at the place either, but when there are circumstances beyond control, I would understand and be ok if I had a timeframe of when things would be gone.
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    Honestly, I think you did the right thing. You tried to compromise with your bf about the issue. He wanted his way and nothing else. And if his reaction to every time there is a disagreement is to shut down, not communicate and run away, well it shows that maybe he's not ready for a real successful relationship anyway. This is bigger than the particular disagreement you had this time since you said he responds that way more often than not.

    Sorry for the situation, but I really think you did your best to try here.