let your feelings out

This is a great idea. The idea of a thread meant to be a place to vent and a support system is a great idea i think. I just feel down and shitty today, lately really. Kinda just wanna slash my arms up for no real reason that i can pinpoint which is weird cause i always know the reason. I won't tho, mostly cause i feel like a good day at work will take care of whatever it is.

 

My situation deals with family. Actually, if I can be honest, my family has never accepted the fact that I am gay. Over the years, no matter how many times I tried to move beyond that issue, somehow, someone within my immediate family circle still attacks me verbally or with their actions/behavior to show me that this is still a problem and very difficult for them to accept me. I had a situation in my life as of recent that I was dealing with. My brother in law had contacted me and told me that he would be more than happy to help me out even though I declined his offer several times prior to accepting. However, a week before this situation was supposed to be resolved, he decided to leave the house drunk without my sister knowing. What made this matter so ridiculous and so bad was that he decided to drive with another drink in the car which he was sipping on while behind the wheel and preceded to travel all the way to the other side of town to visit one of his friends. While in destination to his friend's house, not only was he driving drunk, he also was on the phone. All of a sudden, he took his eyes off the road and collided into another car before running into a telephone phone which totally ruined his car altogether.

The passengers in the other car was thankfully not hurt but was really pissed about the condition of their car and the incident as a whole. More so, they were more upset when they discovered that he was pretty intoxicated. This caused them to want to attack and cause him physical harm. However, the police had showed up right at that minute and the physical attack was brought to a halt so to speak. Anyway, the police arrested my brother in law and took him to that city's jail. Therefore, due to this...his support to my situation was immediately dissolved. Therefore, his wife then contacted me to inform me that she would replace him and help me with my matter because she felt bad at what he did and wanted to be there for me to help me through my situation. Unfortunately, after finding out all of the information that my situation entailed, she too, left me hanging without even a follow up phone call. Now...I am the type of person who do not chase after people or kiss anyone's butt especially when they volunteered or offered their help without me asking and then do not follow up with me. Although I have spoken to her a few times and nonchalantly mentioned my situation within conversation, she would talk over me or just ignore me altogether and go on to another subject or conversation.

Again...I do not chase after people to find out what is going on or why you did not follow up with me. Their behavior suggests to me that they are not reliable as well as responsible and its a lesson learned on my behalf. Nonetheless, its still is not a good feeling to say the least because their actions have left me very disappointed.

 

Although I do start to feel a little more confident, this confusion is eating on me and distracting me from my life! I'm so tired of the not knowing and I feel like I don't know myself anymore which is something that has never happened to me

 

Hey there. As much as I would like to I think I'm gonna pass. I'm too scared to open the floodgates

 

I've been having issues with my friends recently. Yes, I know, this may seem like a really childish thing, but its been making me feel really depressed recently. One of my friends, who I'm going to nickname A for this, has been my friend for around 9 years now, and we are really close - or at least were. Now my other friend, B, has been my friend for about 2 years now. Us three were really close and all that, but recently I've been starting to feel like they don't want me around. I think it might have started around the time I came out to them - while A isn't really that homophobic it still makes them uncomfortable sometimes, whereas B is full on homophobic (she openly said to me once, before I came out, that she thinks being gay should be illegal). Ever since I came out to them they've been distancing themselves from me slightly, it wasn't really noticeable at first, but recently its been becoming a problem. Whenever I hang out with them they don't really pay much attention to me, or they block me out of their conversations. Theyll stand slightly in front of me sometimes so that Im not really included in what they're doing. B likes to play tricks on me quite a lot, or tease me, or however you want to put it - but not really in a friendly way. A is still all nice towards me and that, but just doesn't seem to want me around, and I often suspect that they are, or have been, talking about me.

However, most of this could just be in my mind and I could just be paranoid, with the stress of exams coming up, or this could have absolutely nothing to do with me at all, and it might be things going on with them. A and B are fine with me and towards me when they're apart from each other, the main problem is when its us three together or with a few of our other friends. I'm scared to confront them about it because, while I still care about B because when its just us two its fine, when they're with their friends they make it seem like they don't like me much or dont really value me. I'm close, or was close, to A and dont want to ruin what we have between us. If I confront just B, they'll go off and tell A because those two are pretty close.

Just the problems of a paranoid teen really, I just needed to get this all out *^* And 'scuse the probably terrible grammar, I'm tired hahah..

 

I've only realised now, that I have no lgbtq+ friends or acquiantes in my life lately. My life has changed a lot since last year, and relationships and friendships broke off... But I've been so busy that I've totally lost track about how long I've been in the closet again. You see, I'm not out to many people, but I've always had company that I could be open to in the last six or seven years. I miss the feeling of being understood and also the feeling of being with friends that have a similar insight to life. I'm feeling a little out of place right now, but in a weird way I do feel like the pieces in my life are falling to their places finally, so it might worth it to be alone right now.

 

I just feel so weird and forever alone. I feel like the best I can be is some token weirdo. Not an equal human being people actually respect. I don't want to be the lovable weirdo. I just want to be able to have friends I can truly chill with. Same with dating. It's such a mood killer when people think I'm weird.

 

My mom said she was worried about me earlier. She isn't really its all apart of her little ploy. She's gone so far as to schedule in eat out time every friday for lunch so she can feel like she still has me wrapped around her finger. I dread it though cause its either awkward silence or an interrogation i'd much rather avoid. I avoided it today though, thank god. It would just be nice to have a mom that really means it, you know? She's like two different people. Keep her happy and hope nothing external pisses her off and she's a superficially normal, loving mother.

But do something even a toe out of line or even something external and she's pissed off to hell. She keeps her face on the rest of the time. Her real self shows when someone pisses her off which isn't hard to do. She's said so many hurtful things to me. selfish little bitch / maybe if I’d beat you growing up you would have grown up right / i’m not even gonna tell you to not apply at McDonalds even though the manager there has a record and he’s dangerous / you can just walk to work / Things like that. I remember getting interrogated, yelled at, and about grounded once when i was like 8 because mom misheard "its adorable" as "its horrible" over the baby monitor when she sent me up to my then-baby brother's room to get something. I remember getting insulted and screamed at in the car cause tiny 12 year old me couldn't hold the umbrella in a storm over me, her, and my then-baby sister on the way to the car from the movie theater. Somehow me being unable to hold an umbrella over someone much taller than me in the rain and gusting wind meant i would never make it anywhere in life. But of course if you mention anything to her its always deniable. How could you say that! I would never do that! She spins it so hopefully you'll think you remembered wrong and didn't do what she did.

But she's the social parent, the parent i was close to growing up cause dad was always working. I mean i know who she is now so this really shouldn't hurt...i processed the whole 'mom is not who i thought she was, and she was wrong' thing years ago. But it still hurts. I'm never gonna be good enough for her, never have really. Not that she's ever seen me, not really. She doesn't want to, she wants to see the perfect childhood she wished she had so it'll make giving birth to me worth it. I swear that's the only explanation for how different i've been treated compared to my siblings. The song that got me into alternative music was "Perfect" by Simple Plan, and even though i was stupidly naive back then...sometimes i wonder if apart of me subconsciously knew, cause even being totally naive and innocent back then i connected with that song. Still do, it still hits home for me. It hits home and half the time i end up all teary eyed or flat out crying when it comes on on my itunes playlist.

 

I'm getting my hair cut very short tomorrow and I'm super excited. But I'm also scared because homophobia is everywhere in my school and I already know how many comments I'm going to get saying that I look like a lesbian. Normally this kind of stuff wouldn't bother me, but my biphobic ex-boyfriend is in my 7th period and I have to see him every day. It's inevitable. And every day, he comments on something about me that completely ruins my day. if it were from anyone else I wouldn't even think twice about it, but coming from someone that I used to love it hurts like hell. I'm over him, and I wouldn't go back if I had the chance, but between him calling me a slut, judging me for every single thing that I do, say, or wear, loudly exclaiming to the entire class negative things about me in an attempt to get people to catch on... it just hurts. We're supposedly "friends" now after dating for 3 months but he feels more like a burden to me than a friend. And even if I tried to tell him that what he did hurt me, even when I have my head down on my desk about to cry and he asks if I'm okay, I know that he'd laugh in my face, call me a butthurt crybaby who whines and complains about everything, and tell me to just shut up and suck it up already.

Funny how he used to take me in his arms and cradle me and beg me to stop crying because "it hurt his heart to see me cry".

That was a load of bull.

And now every day I get pushed around by him, every single day when I walk into class. And then after he says something to me and I ignore him, he accuses ME of being the rude one. I shouldn't have decided not to cut my hair back when we were together, he made numerous comments on how ugly I'd look with a pixie cut and he claimed that "there's no way in hell he'd ever date a gay person". Like my hairstyle automatically makes me gay. I have shoulder length hair right now, and that certainly doesn't make me straight.

I'm terrified of what I'll go through on Monday, but it's my hair. I don't change my appearance for other people. I change it for myself so that I can feel good about who I am. But sadly, my ex has kind of already crushed that feeling for me.