Having the same Nightmare, now Day Dream, over and over again...

[Greggers]

Hey guys

Well recently i started having this nightmare (a very vivid one) that i come home one day to see my mother and some strange man standing there waiting for me. I walk up slowly to see my mother looking concerned and the strange man with a half grin on his face. I ask them whats up and my mother looks at me and says the sentence im the most afraid of in the world. "Hello Greg, this man here is from a group called Exodus. He wants to help you". At this point i start to go a little off the deep end and take a few steps back as i ramble non-coherent things and point alot. Then the man chirps in with "Hello Greg, im from Exodus, a group that wants to help you". Then i tell him to get the fuck away from my house and start going off at my mother with "how could you" and "you know this is a concentration camp for gays, right?". No matter what i say my mother does not move or blink. I ask her to talk to someone i know before she does this, but she wont (In the dreams i always have this plan to make Becky talk some sense into her). So i realize i can stay or go to ex-gay camp or leave for a friends house. I always run to my friends house about 6 blocks away or something, and shes never home, so i start to panic and....*poof* i tend to always wake up there.

So that, in a nutshell, is basically my dream. Recently ill slip into something like it while im day dreaming too. Its getting bad. I mean, ive always has this fear that the first thing my mother would do when she found out i was gay was call up an ex-gay group. When i did come out to her she just kind of got mad at me and told me i was not gay, but there was no Exodus man at my door so i was still content. But i dont know, dreams sometimes have a freaky way of coming true dont they? Im just so scared. I can tackle ANYTHING other than ex-gay ministry. I could be beat up for being gay, taunted, hurt, fired, whatever. I can take all the homophobia they can throw at me. But if i go to an ex-gay ministry, i know ill NEVER get out the same "bubbly cheery and proud" Greg i am today. Im scared of that. I like the real me and i dont want to loose all that ive worked 17 years to obtain.

So i dont really know why im writing this out, i guess i just wanted to share? Yea...

[Chaos]

That nightmare sounds really creepy and weird. Oh and the day dream? More like it's a daymare. Heh. However, I don't think that nightmare will come true! You said it yourself that the ex-gay ministry is one thing that gets to you. Dreams are the door to your subconscious and they reveal your innermost thoughts. In this case it's your fear of losing your identity because the lack of acceptance regarding your sexuality.

But don't let it get to you! I am sure that your Mother loves you. She will learn to accept your identity. Sometimes dreams come true, but nightmares are just nightmares. You don't need to worry so much.

[pirateninja]

On the off chance that it does actually happen, then I know that everyone here would do whatever it took to get you out of there; we can't afford to lose our Greg either.

I know it sucks, dude. And it's crap that your mom can't see the fabulous gay that you are. But for one, it's unlikely that a dream can come true, I mean, my dreams usually revolve around doughnut houses, cats that randomly go and deliberately fart on people and mushrooms that get high on silly string (I think I need to stop eating cheese before bed or something), and yes, they're eccentric dreams and not realistic, but you're focusing on worst case scenario when it may not actually happen. With your mom, try talking with her, tell her that you don't want it, print her leaflets on the harm it does to people, Soulfource has some excellent resources on its site; http://www.soulforce.org / http://www.soulforce.org/article/1292 as do some other things I've found on the subject;
http://www.portlandmercury.com/portl...category=34029
And a video:
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvvCEIuLma8
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vY6vXQ0oPzM

If you truly fear it that much, you have to deal with it and make it so you don't fear it. And unfortunately, you're going to have to confront your mom and tell her about your fears.

Stay strong, buddy, and if I even have the slightest inkling that you're going to an ex-gay camp, I swear to god "Crazy lesbian crosses ocean to wage war on Exodus" will be on the front of every national newspaper.*

*And "Cats now deliberately fart in people's faces" will be on page 6.

[Eleanor Rigby]

Greg, sweetheart, I am so sorry.
I know it's hard for you that your mum doesn't accept you the way you are, which is probably the reason why you have this nightmare.
I now it is not the same, but as your EC mom, I am very very proud of you and I don't want you to be different in any way
I think Holly is right. If you are that upset, you probably have to talk about your fears to your mum. And having Becky talking to her is not a bad idea, if your mom agrees to talk with her.
Now, if something like that ever happened, you have to know that I would do anything to get you out of there. I would never ever leave my baby in such a dark place. Like Holly said, we can't afford to lose you.
Love, your Ec Mom

[redsapphire]

Hey Greg,
I know that I don't know you very well, I've only seen your posts around the forum, but I already know that you are one of the nicest, most comforting people ever. Your giant thread of love and support has really helped me, I really think that as long as your mum sees that Greg, then she wont do anything like send you to ex - gay camp. Someone, maybe you maybe Becky needs to help her to see that being gay isn't a bad thing, and I aggree with the others about talking to her about your fears, you need to put your mind to rest about those and the only way to do that is to assertain that she would never do anything like that, (which I'm sure she wouldn't).
If you want someone to talk to then feel free to PM me.

Bryony

[aerwolfen]

hi Gregg,your 18 years old canadian boy,your a adult your mom can't do anything against your will,you know this ,canadian law,its bad that she hasn't accepted your choice to be gay,its bad that you both can not share your happiness,but by having this dream and obsessing over something that is impossible to happen,is just something more underlining how you feel in your own head, you feel somewhat guilty that you are who you are,yes its sad your moter does not feel eye to eye,stop feeling guilty,this guilt is whats eating you up inside creating these silly idea's, we all love you here and respect the shit out of you,realize that you have a larger family here that love you more and respect you so much,i think you need to start believing more in yourself and far more less doubt about your mothers ideals of you,wether or not she comes around to your side is not the issue anymore,your a grown man now,be yourself be your own man ,get rid of that guilt cloud you wallow around in when you feel down,our admiration and love is far too strong for you to keep positive and happy,.
drop that stupid notion about some bible thumping grabbing group ,does not exist,start thinking like a man, a proud gay man !,a MY CANADIAN BROTHER, sorry for being blunt ,just wanting you to give your head a shake and stop scaring naive people who truely love you.

[starfish]

Dreams are a fickle thing. One thing to keep in mind is that dreams are just hallucinations and are not real. However they can also represent thoughts that our conscious mind did not process during the day.

I used to have a reoccurring dream that eventually became a day dream also, at least once daily. In my case it was I was in a civil war fight on the side of a repressed resistance. Often times in the dream the resistance would launch an attack using a WMD in a desperate last ditch effort. Ever since I came out to myself I have not had the dream once. So in my case it was my subconscious mind dealing with the internal conflict of my sexuality.

Since the dream is reoccurring I would say it is your subconscious mind dealing with a problem your conscious mind is not handling. If I were to venture a guess I would say it is a fear that you will be rejected because of your orientation. I really have no idea how to deal with it, but I don't think it will go away on its own. Maybe if you talk to someone about what you talking about you can work through it.

[DexterMorgan]

Wow, that's pretty crazy Greg!

I used to have dreams that my family somehow found out I was gay and just dumped me on the side of the highway.

[Greggers]

Originally Posted by pirateninja

Stay strong, buddy, and if I even have the slightest inkling that you're going to an ex-gay camp, I swear to god "Crazy lesbian crosses ocean to wage war on Exodus" will be on the front of every national newspaper.*]

*single tear running down cheek*

Thank you Holly. That really helps, the links, the pep talk, the threats on my mother, so thank you.

And thank you everyone else too. I know that Exodus is the ONE this i fear most in this world because im afraid of losing everything that makes me "greg".

But ill just have to work up the courage to talk to my mother about it at some point. I plan to force her to watch Milk, so maybe after that (if she takes the movie in well).

[beckyg]

Greg, your mom cannot force you into an ex-gay ministry. After all you are 18 years old. You are legally an adult and as an adult, you make your own decisions. I would be happy to talk to your mom if she's willing. You are a great guy. We've seen you grow so much since you came to EC! Don't let this whacko dream get you down.

[Prccgeek]

I have seen your posts around on the forums and you seem really kind. Your post have been very helpful for me. I am so sorry about this horrible dream. I have had horrible scary parent dreams to( I will not go into details) but I do know how horribly frightening and upseting they can be, especially if they repeat.
I agree that talking to your mom would probably be helpful. I like the idea of making her watch milk. ( It is such a good movie anyway.) I wish you the best of luck and many happier dreams in your future!

[JakeBHT]

You poor thing, Hope things improve.