I don't know about you guys but I get kind of offended when people will ask my friends if I'm gay, no one will ask me. How do you guys feel about this?
See I think of it as, I'd be more likely to tell someone if they had the guts to ask me. Kip, quiet, you know I'dont like lieing to people, I give vague answers instead like, idk, Not that i know of, etc.
The thing is, if they turn out to be straight, they'd feel like an asshole and extremely stereotypical. To me, it's like asking someone if they're pregnant.
Yeah, it seems inappropriate to me. If someone is going to ask, which they probably should not do anyway, I'd prefer that they ask me.
I have to agree; if they're asking your friends, it probably means they aren't comfortable asking you because they're afraid of insulting you - especially if they happen to be wrong. Imagine if you were straight and someone came up to you asking if you were gay; I'd think it would be a little rude. There's no easy way to get an answer, so I guess they figure finding out through your friends without you knowing is least likely to offend you.
hmmmm maybe we could fix this, Tell your friends that if they are asked this question reply with a "Why don't you ask him yourself." I hate it when people some up to me and aske me stuff about my friend. He's in a wheel chair and they treat him like if he was stupid and relay his question to me. I'm like "Just ask him dammit, he's the one graduating college with an unpronouncable degree name! I'm sure he can give you directions to the nearest ATM!" Not in that fashion but he know's his area better than I do. lol. Sorry that was kind of an ACOT. But people don't ask me unless they've known me for a while. Ive never had this problem.
Im fine with someone saying to ME "Are you gay?" or even something stupid like "Do you take it up the ass?" or "Are you a big old queer?". Because then i get the chance to speak for myself. My words, my thoughts, my opinions. Straight from the horses mouth. I always tell the truth, but depending on how they ask me i might add some remarks to the end hehe. I like getting asked this personally because it gives me a chance to change how people think and how people look at me. Im NOT find with someone asking my friends "Is Greg gay?" or anything like that. It happened alot when i came out on facebook. All my closer friends were being asked this rather than myself. It bugged me because no one had the guts to ask me personally. Instead they took the back-ally and thats how rumors and lies got spread about me. I didnt get to voice my words, my thoughts, my opinions because someone else spoke them for me. People got them wrong, bad things happened.
Well, we do still live in a world where "homo", "fag", "queer", "dyke" and the like are all used as insults by some. People are concerned about acting gay, looking gay, being perceived as gay for whatever reason... There's the possibility that whoever you ask may flip out and go, "What?! No! Why would you think that? Do I look gay?" Aaand even though I see someone being that concerned about it as being something of an indicator that maybe they're not as straight as they think, haha, I can also see the asker not really wanting to be blown up at like that. I'd rather speak for myself, yeah, but I can see why someone wouldn't want to ask me to my face.
I hate to say it, but I think it's completely understandable. Let's face it. A lot of straight people would take offense if someone thought they were gay. They really are just trying to do what they think is more considerate. Because they don't understand what it's like to be gay (and we all know they can't), they don't realize asking someone else behind our backs is more hurtful.
When I first came out, I discovered my friends had been theorising for some time behind my back Whether or not I was gay. I was sort of disappointed at the time (It had taken me some time to get the courage to come out, and it would have been a lot easier if they would have brought it up earlier). However, I understand that they just weren't sure on how to handle the situation. So I don't hold it against them. I try not to talk about other people behind their backs, but it happens. I always feel a little bit guilty afterwards, though...
We do live in a world where people might be insulted but unless people stop thinking that asking might insult someone (implying that being gay == bad) then were never going to get to the stage where we don't take for granted that people are straight until they say otherwise. As I read this thread I was thinking that it was OK to ask someone's friends, because they might be insulted, if they are straight, but then I thought if we gays can't just ask someone a simple question such as "Are you gay?", in-case we insult someone, is that not like us accepting that there's something bad about being gay? Yeah, that happens me too, and that is really rude! I generally do go speechless, with anger, when they do that. I suppose it's probably better than me telling them where to stick their question? :dry:My friends generally know better than to answer for me, they can be quite rude back too (which is actually quite nice of them lol) I'm more insulted by that than people asking if I'm gay, and it happens more often.
People won't ask me if they have a question about me, they'll ask my best friend and even though she pretty much knows everything about me, it's annoying when they ask her instead of me. I think it's rude to ask someone's friend because some people will harass someone's friend to get an answer from them. I told my friend to tell them to talk to me if they really wanted to know and nobody approached me...
Oh, I agree completely. And the attitude with which someone asks the question may make all the difference, as well. As it is, most of the time I've heard people ask, it's in a whisper, and really hesitant. "Is... is she... Well, you know. a lesbian?" and not "Hey, just curious, are you gay?" I mean, hell, if the person who asks the question treats it as some dire, deep, important question, no matter what the answer is, it's gonna be awkward. If more people took to asking it casually, as casually as you'd ask someone where they work or if they're seeing anyone, it may not end up being this big ol' dramarama. I say this, yet as it stands, I still have a hard time talking about it like it's no big deal to everyone. That's probably more due to me not being so sure of myself yet, though. :/ I realize I'm part of the problem, haha! I think most people who are secure in their sexuality one way or the other aren't the reasons, here. I mean, if someone asks, "Are you gay?", all it takes is a simple yes/no/mostly/sort of and conversation is over! Seriously. >:/ But some people get so offended, or so thrown off balance by it, and it's silly! Only reason I'd ask is if I were interested in someone, hehe. You'd think that'd be a compliment!
I have always felt very unimpressed that no one thought to ask me--in a serious, non-insulting way--whether I was gay until I was nearly 20. I think if someone had raised it as a real possibility earlier, I would have come out a lot earlier, because generally if someone asks the question without malice, they are indicating in a small but important way that it's perfectly fine to be gay. So like Greggers I would much prefer people ask me questions rather than ask people about me.
