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Can gays be homophobic - even after coming out?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by K0msomolets, Jul 25, 2007.

  1. K0msomolets

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    Turn back or risk depression!

    Dang! It would seem on the face of it to be a stupid question - a paradoxical implausible thing? If you have 'come out' then you've accepted that you are gay at least in part and have decided that you need to share that with the world. So how can you be homophobic and out?

    Well I realized in therapy the other day that there is a hard kernel within me that is resistant to my new found gayness - even though I know and feel that I accept it more and more every day and really want to tell a few more members of my family and some of my friends. I'm not saying that I turn into Mr Hyde and go to cruising joints to beat up gay people. The problem is that I keep telling my self "K0msomolets! Piss or get of the pot ok! You're either gay/bisexual and like it or you're not gay/bisexual!" But I don't believe that. I know I'm gay/bisexual and that there is nothing I can do to change that, yet there is part of me that is resistant to the idea, that doesn't want to accept it, that hates that things are turning out this way. I like to imagine I'm a logical sort of liberal guy and whilst like a lot of people I bullied an effeminate guys in high school Ive accepted that that was wrong. I'm not talking about that kind of homophobia or ignorance or intolerance or whatever you want to call it. Well my therapist is a really cool guy and we had a chat about it and the upshot is that, I think that I'm carrying a lot of shame and guilt about it that I haven't been acknowledging let alone begun to come to terms with. Maybe this is why I haven't had the "high" or the excitement that some people apparently experience when they come out. I've been more depressed and irritable since coming out than I was before!

    The Freudian theory is that if in our early male childhood - apparently a very sexual time when we try to come between our parents - (like 3year old and up a few), and if our parents don't deal with our innocent sexual love of them correctly (they probably don't realise when its happening) we can subconsciously equate sex and love with shame and rejection. Apparently this can lead to men (gay or straight) having lots of casual sex and failing to make relationships. I'm not sure I entirely agree with that theory, but then again I'm no psychoanalyst - so I must admit to feeling a measure of shame and I wonder if this is the source of that hard to get rid of homophobic kernel somewhere in my head.

    Does anyone out there know what I'm on about? Or is it just me? Or is it that I just need a good (!) :grin:
     
  2. Gera-Kun

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    (with out reading) well, i'm finally coming out and i'm not homophobic. as a matter of fact, i'm searching for new gay friends...
     
  3. K0msomolets

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    Oh do read it please! I'm looking for new gay friends too. What I wrote about is wanting everything that is gay but still feeling ashamed or hating oneself. Self-homophobia if you like...

    As an aside I don't think its impossible for a gay person to be homophobic generally. I recommend that you watch a recent film on UK channel 4 http://www.channel4.com/ (available free this week for download using '4 on Demand') called "Clapham Junction" - I know its fiction but watching that you can see a very realistic gay character who cruises with the best of 'us' but only to bash other gays - till he gets a bashing from another like him. Interesting - life might be stranger than fiction????????
     
  4. Gera-Kun

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    yeah, i read it... i really don't see why anyone would have shame after coming out. I'm glad of how i am. no shame. and i didn't even need a good (!) for me to accept it! lol. though i wish i did get one... XP
     
  5. Psych!

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    yeah, but not everyone is as accepting as your friends and family, it could be very hard
     
  6. Gera-Kun

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    i know and i'm ready for anything. or else i wouldn't of had come out.
     
  7. xxAngelOnFirexx

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    (don't have time to read but i'll still answer your question)

    If a gay person is homophobic that leads me to believe that they are not truely comfortable with themselves yet.
     
  8. Psych!

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    that is the biggest possibility
     
  9. Gera-Kun

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    yeah, i agree. still wonder why someone wouldn't feel comfortable, though...
     
  10. K0msomolets

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    You hit the nail on the head!
     
  11. K0msomolets

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    I'll tell you why someone wouldn't feel comfortable. I come from Zimbabwe where gay sex is illegal - and a jailable offence. I don't know what its like in Texas Gay_Boi_159, but what is worse about being gay and Ex-zimbabwean is that over there it is something that is very much a massive stigma - I can think of about 4 people who were effeminate - 2 of whom were certainly gay who I met in my 22 years of life in my home city and all were ridiculed in some way. To this day none of my immediate family knows because of that - and whilst I would like to come out to them someday whether they reject me or not. - I'm not in Zimbabwe any more but I cant change my upbringing and what society taught me as a young man. So I've been quite repressed even though I've been in England 6 years and its taken a lot for me to admit to myself that I'm gay. On top of that I've been married for nearly 4 years and recently had to admit it to my wife. She outed me to some of our friends too so thats a few reasons why someone wouldn't feel comfortable with being gay.
     
    #11 K0msomolets, Jul 25, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2007
  12. Gera-Kun

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    well, that's harsh...i've been ridiculed at elementary school cause of how i looked (I have very white skin). so i'm used to it. now i don't mind what they say about me. let them talk for all i care. well, i feel for you man. i hope everything goes ok with you.
     
  13. Psych!

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    some societies don't accept homosexuality as well as the people of the US, and still some people there don't accept it at all. the fear of ridicule and discrimination makes people be afraid of what they are, so those people hide it and never act upon it.
     
  14. Gera-Kun

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    yeah. i understand. i cry for you guys who have a crappy society...
     
  15. Psych!

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    yeah, especially where effeminate men are ridiculed. i would hear the guys from school make fun a gay guy that was in my school (he already graduated), he used to be the dance team captain and only hung out with girls. they would tease the poor guy so much it made me feel so bad...
     
  16. Gera-Kun

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    hmmm. that type of stuff just made me stronger... i've been ridiculed cause i was very light skin colored when i was a kid, but i learned to ignore. nEways, i've got a tan, so ppl stopped when we entered middle school. guess what i'm trying to say is i got stronger and now i'm not offened much by what ppl say about me. i just walk away and ignore them. the only think that would tick me of is if anyone would call me a fag...that word just gets to me...I'm ok with gay or queer, but fag does it.
     
  17. Psych!

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    well people have never called me gay, but i once told a guy that was saying he was ugly to stop saying that and that he wasn't ugly, then a girl that heard me told him to get the hell away from me cause i would rape him, that :***: me off so much i wanted to beat the crap out of her but i held it in, just barely
     
  18. Gera-Kun

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    heh. i've gotten worse than that, i would acctually get beat up in elementary school, partly cause of my color, and partly cause they thought i was gay. (surprisingly they were right, lol) but i've just gotten stronger through those experiences.
     
  19. Psych!

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    i kinda got beat up to, they would throw basketballs, soccer balls, volleyballs, w/e kind of sport ball at me, and when a friend of mine (girl) stood up for me they just started calling me a girl :tantrum:
     
  20. Gera-Kun

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    sucks. I really feel for you, man. <(um, how many times have i said that?) i gotten beaten up by like a small "gang" of kids... would always punch my stomache to take out my air and such...