How do you know? For sure... - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Lost Boy · 23rd Sep 2009, 06:05 PM

My question is how do you know what your sexuality is (for sure)?

Did you know from the time you were born or did it change as you were growing up?

I've had girlfriends before and there is a girl who I've known for years now that I've had a major thing for. But at the same time I've found during my teenage years that I started becoming attracted to guys. There was no particular guy but I just generally started looking at them.

For the past couple of years I've found it difficult to be in relationships with people or try dating because I'm not sure what is I want...

Tokarov · 23rd Sep 2009, 06:06 PM

You just know what you like.

Vagina? No.
Penis? Oh yes, me likey.

It varies from person to person. Some people are emotionally attracted to girls and sexually attracted to guys...

It really just varies.

23rd Sep 2009, 06:08 PM

Its mostly the attraction, who do you feel to lean towards to guys or girls, like who did you tend to get crushes on. I mean we can all date anyone but that doesnt prove it, who do you feel is right to be with. Its whats inside that counts.

23rd Sep 2009, 06:08 PM

Well...I have identified as bisexual since I was about 14. Puberty-ish age, I suppose. I started noticing that not only did I like boys...I liked...girls.

The problem is, I'm still not 100% about it. I probably won't ever bee 100% about it.

Some people on here gave me some great advice when I had a problem like this: don't worry about the label. You like who you like, and that's that. If you click with someone, no matter their gender, then you click.

Lost Boy · 23rd Sep 2009, 06:13 PM

So how does it work if you're emotionally attracted to girls but more sexually attracted to guys?

starfish · 23rd Sep 2009, 06:17 PM

My advice. Ditch the labels and run it, what ever it is.

See a cute guy, go chat him up. See a cute girl, go chat her up. Just keep your mind open and it will become clear in time.

xballetxbeautyx · 23rd Sep 2009, 06:24 PM

I don't know for sure. When I was little I had crushes on boys, but I would also have what I now think were crushes on girls- including movie characters. Like the girl in Hercules? Yeah, I had a crush on her.

Anyways, the thought of having sex with a boy isn't appealing to me. I can think boys are hot with clothes on, but penis... not so much. Girls are just... better for me.

So I don't know. And right now that's fine with me... maybe I'll figure it out in the future, maybe I never will. Whatever.

Black Cat · 23rd Sep 2009, 08:58 PM

Well I for sure know I'm gay because I can't ever see myself getting past the "friends" stage with a girl. Sure there may be a great lady out there for me, and if we find each other will I give it a shot? Sure, but I doubt that the one for me is a woman. I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to guys, so I call myself gay.

I'd say don't rush to decide what you are or are not. Just let it happen. Sexuality and attraction aren't some precise science that we can measure and calculate, they are bigger than all of us.

MusicIsLife · 23rd Sep 2009, 11:27 PM

Because boys are icky :P

In all seriousness, how does any straight person know for an absolute fact that they are straight? Sexuality is fluid, and though I consider myself a 5.5-6 on the Kinsey scale, I could wake up tomorrow and find a guy hot.

But for arguments sake i hit puberty and felt like a man cause I thought girls were hot.

24th Sep 2009, 07:00 PM

I knew something was a bit off when I was 5.

By 11/12 I definately knew I was into boys. I just always pictured myself having a wedding with a boy, or holding hands, etc. Girls never really entered the picture...lol.

24th Sep 2009, 08:12 PM

Basically the fact that the idea of sex with a girl is highly unappealing to me. I'm actually still emotionally attracted to girls somewhat, but sexually it would just never work out. So I didn't know until very late, both because I was a late bloomer and I had always gotten crushes on girls. I'd place myself at a three on the Kinsey scale emotionally (meaning 50/50 bisexual), but at a 5.5-6 physically (meaning almost completely gay).

RaeofLite · 24th Sep 2009, 10:08 PM

I had tons of crushes on women and I was sexually attracted to them in highschool, but thought it was just something all girls felt. Haha... how wrong was I eh? But I was dating boys all the while (thinking it would go away while I didn't tell anyone till uni). Then I started dating guys and kept finding female friends attractive in uni. I knew for sure the first time I was with a woman (because with a dude, I didn't feel that chemistry: physically, sexually or emotionally). I can laugh and have a fun time with guys, but not in the way I can with women.

*shrug*

Shevanel · 24th Sep 2009, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starfish

My advice. Ditch the labels and run it, what ever it is.

See a cute guy, go chat him up. See a cute girl, go chat her up. Just keep your mind open and it will become clear in time.

This.

Also. For myself, the way I know, is because I know. ^_^ That's how I know, I don't know about anyone else, but I know thats how I know, because I know ^_^

*explodes from "know" overload*

Gaetan · 24th Sep 2009, 11:04 PM

I've honestly never been sure. However, I've always leaned more towards guys...so I decided on gay. When I was finally coming out to myself, I sat down and counted all the major crushes in my life. I could count the female ones on one hand...guys, even my toes wouldn't be enough.

24th Sep 2009, 11:49 PM

i was kinda in between growing up. i remember liking guys and not knowing what it was when i was as young as 7, but in 3rd 4th and 5th grades i liked some girls, and i still noticed some guys, though i still didnt realize what it was.

but after 6th grade i started really liking guys bodies but it took a few years to realize that i didnt like girls. and i know i'm gay because girls are just a complete turnoff to me.

theres no definite science to sexuality, and i hear it can fluctuate a lot in certain people. trying to put an exact label on yourself might make things a lot harder. try to ignore what you should be, just figure it out based on what your instinct wants.

Just Adam · 25th Sep 2009, 12:39 AM

you dont allways have to just know sometimes it can sneek up on you and slap you that your not straight. but like i say and others have dont label yourself your sexuality doesent define you just be yourself and take it how it comes

Astaroth · 25th Sep 2009, 02:36 AM

Just to add some thoughts on the issue. There is a common belief that girls are lovers and guys are lusters. What I mean by this is that it is easy and safe to get into an emotional relationship with a woman because women in our society tend to be the more emotion-oriented of the two sexes. Meanwhile, men are usually portrayed as only thinking with their 'little head' and/or their stomach, so they aren't usually trusted with emotional issues and more with immediate/fast attraction, carnal cravings, and quick gratification.

This belief has led a lot of people to come to the conclusion that it is more difficult or even impossible to form emotional relationships with men. This can be a source of major confusion when you are physically attracted to them but cannot get around the idea that woman are the nurturers and emotional ones. There's a common theme of "I can see myself in a long-term friendship with a girl but only having sex with a guy" that this plays into. This, in turn, can create the feeling that you are attracted to both sexes in some way.

If this sounds like you, it might be worth examining why you find each sex attractive. Are there any assumptions being made such as "men can't form the emotional bonds women can" or "women understand me better" that can't really be proven? If so, it might indicate that you may not have what would technically qualify as an attraction to women at all, but more of a kinship to them. Someone once said here that "the proof is in the porn" and it's pretty much true. The frequency of women to men that can arouse you (not necessarily in porn, but just by looks or personality) will tell you how gay or bi you are.

Paul_UK · 25th Sep 2009, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by starfish

My advice. Ditch the labels and run it, what ever it is.

See a cute guy, go chat him up. See a cute girl, go chat her up. Just keep your mind open and it will become clear in time.

I agree with that. Also remember that it can vary over time. Someone may feel they are totally gay then end up meeting and falling in love with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn't matter. Just go with what feels right for you now.

Miles D · 25th Sep 2009, 12:19 PM

I think there is no way you can ever know for sure.
Think about it. To be 100% gay, never attracted to women, you'd have to meet every woman that ever was born and will be born. Holy shoot, just thinking about it makes my head spin!
Most people have "exceptions to the rule", and so it comes down to which label most suits you. A lot of people who identify as gay have opposite-sex relationships, and tons of straight people have same-sex relationships.
Just go with the flow

27th Sep 2009, 12:49 PM

wooho, first post for me on here.

i like the whole attitude of see what happens. All my life i have always thought of myself gettin a girlfriend, married and stuff. over the past few years i had alot of family problems and now i am startin to think differently. god knows what the end result will be when i do decide what im into. thats why i decide to explore.

23rd Sep 2009, 06:05 PM	#1
Lost Boy Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not sure (still trying to figure it out) Out Status: Not out at all Location: Queensland Age: 22 Posts: 6 Join Date: Sep 2009	How do you know? For sure... My question is how do you know what your sexuality is (for sure)? Did you know from the time you were born or did it change as you were growing up? I've had girlfriends before and there is a girl who I've known for years now that I've had a major thing for. But at the same time I've found during my teenage years that I started becoming attracted to guys. There was no particular guy but I just generally started looking at them. For the past couple of years I've found it difficult to be in relationships with people or try dating because I'm not sure what is I want...

23rd Sep 2009, 06:06 PM	#2
Tokarov Banned Gender: Male Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: Some people Location: Southern California Age: 20 Posts: 688 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: How do you know? For sure... You just know what you like. Vagina? No. Penis? Oh yes, me likey. It varies from person to person. Some people are emotionally attracted to girls and sexually attracted to guys... It really just varies.

23rd Sep 2009, 06:08 PM	#3
BayeBorde Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How do you know? For sure... Its mostly the attraction, who do you feel to lean towards to guys or girls, like who did you tend to get crushes on. I mean we can all date anyone but that doesnt prove it, who do you feel is right to be with. Its whats inside that counts.

23rd Sep 2009, 06:08 PM	#4
Haiiro Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How do you know? For sure... Well...I have identified as bisexual since I was about 14. Puberty-ish age, I suppose. I started noticing that not only did I like boys...I liked...girls. The problem is, I'm still not 100% about it. I probably won't ever bee 100% about it. Some people on here gave me some great advice when I had a problem like this: don't worry about the label. You like who you like, and that's that. If you click with someone, no matter their gender, then you click.

23rd Sep 2009, 06:13 PM	#5
Lost Boy Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not sure (still trying to figure it out) Out Status: Not out at all Location: Queensland Age: 22 Posts: 6 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: How do you know? For sure... So how does it work if you're emotionally attracted to girls but more sexually attracted to guys?

23rd Sep 2009, 06:17 PM	#6
starfish This space for lease. Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: I like guys Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Hippie Town, Alberta of the US Age: 31 Posts: 2,108 Join Date: Nov 2008	Re: How do you know? For sure... My advice. Ditch the labels and run it, what ever it is. See a cute guy, go chat him up. See a cute girl, go chat her up. Just keep your mind open and it will become clear in time. __________________ All the problems of the world could be settled easily if men were only willing to think. The trouble is that men very often resort to all sorts of devices in order not to think, because thinking is such hard work. --Thomas J. Watson

23rd Sep 2009, 06:24 PM	#7
xballetxbeautyx Heterodox Homosexual Full Member Gender: (.)(.) Orientation: Kinsey 5? Ish? Out Status: If you don't know, where have you been all my life Location: Midwest USA Age: 17 Posts: 1,719 Join Date: Mar 2008	Re: How do you know? For sure... I don't know for sure. When I was little I had crushes on boys, but I would also have what I now think were crushes on girls- including movie characters. Like the girl in Hercules? Yeah, I had a crush on her. Anyways, the thought of having sex with a boy isn't appealing to me. I can think boys are hot with clothes on, but penis... not so much. Girls are just... better for me. So I don't know. And right now that's fine with me... maybe I'll figure it out in the future, maybe I never will. Whatever. __________________ I can't go to Pigfarts! IT'S ON MARS. You need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? Look at this - it's Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!

23rd Sep 2009, 08:58 PM	#8
Black Cat As Seen On Hoarders... Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: This cat is out of the bag - I mean closet Location: Pennsylvania, with the cows Age: 21 Posts: 2,391 Join Date: Jun 2009	Re: How do you know? For sure... Well I for sure know I'm gay because I can't ever see myself getting past the "friends" stage with a girl. Sure there may be a great lady out there for me, and if we find each other will I give it a shot? Sure, but I doubt that the one for me is a woman. I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to guys, so I call myself gay. I'd say don't rush to decide what you are or are not. Just let it happen. Sexuality and attraction aren't some precise science that we can measure and calculate, they are bigger than all of us. __________________ "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." - Mr. Magorium

23rd Sep 2009, 11:27 PM	#9
MusicIsLife EC Addict Full Member Gender: Not even sure anymore. Something in between. Orientation: I like girls :) Out Status: Everyone on orientation 7 people on trans issue. Location: Montréal, QC Age: 23 Posts: 1,595 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: How do you know? For sure... Because boys are icky :P In all seriousness, how does any straight person know for an absolute fact that they are straight? Sexuality is fluid, and though I consider myself a 5.5-6 on the Kinsey scale, I could wake up tomorrow and find a guy hot. But for arguments sake i hit puberty and felt like a man cause I thought girls were hot.

24th Sep 2009, 07:00 PM	#10
71390S Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How do you know? For sure... I knew something was a bit off when I was 5. By 11/12 I definately knew I was into boys. I just always pictured myself having a wedding with a boy, or holding hands, etc. Girls never really entered the picture...lol.

24th Sep 2009, 08:12 PM	#11
Drizzt DoUrden Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How do you know? For sure... Basically the fact that the idea of sex with a girl is highly unappealing to me. I'm actually still emotionally attracted to girls somewhat, but sexually it would just never work out. So I didn't know until very late, both because I was a late bloomer and I had always gotten crushes on girls. I'd place myself at a three on the Kinsey scale emotionally (meaning 50/50 bisexual), but at a 5.5-6 physically (meaning almost completely gay).

24th Sep 2009, 10:08 PM	#12
RaeofLite I've got the moves like Jagger Full Member Gender: ♀ Orientation: Sapphicly inclined Out Status: My closet is for clothes! Location: BC, Canada Age: 23 Posts: 3,111 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: How do you know? For sure... I had tons of crushes on women and I was sexually attracted to them in highschool, but thought it was just something all girls felt. Haha... how wrong was I eh? But I was dating boys all the while (thinking it would go away while I didn't tell anyone till uni). Then I started dating guys and kept finding female friends attractive in uni. I knew for sure the first time I was with a woman (because with a dude, I didn't feel that chemistry: physically, sexually or emotionally). I can laugh and have a fun time with guys, but not in the way I can with women. shrug __________________ People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Bonnie Jean Wasmund (and the lesbians)

24th Sep 2009, 11:04 PM	#14
Gaetan DON'T TOUCH THE HAT! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Immediate Family and Friends Location: Idaho, USA Age: 25 Posts: 1,098 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: How do you know? For sure... I've honestly never been sure. However, I've always leaned more towards guys...so I decided on gay. When I was finally coming out to myself, I sat down and counted all the major crushes in my life. I could count the female ones on one hand...guys, even my toes wouldn't be enough. __________________ Those who say it cannot be done, shouldn't interrupt the people doing it.

24th Sep 2009, 11:49 PM	#15
paco Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How do you know? For sure... i was kinda in between growing up. i remember liking guys and not knowing what it was when i was as young as 7, but in 3rd 4th and 5th grades i liked some girls, and i still noticed some guys, though i still didnt realize what it was. but after 6th grade i started really liking guys bodies but it took a few years to realize that i didnt like girls. and i know i'm gay because girls are just a complete turnoff to me. theres no definite science to sexuality, and i hear it can fluctuate a lot in certain people. trying to put an exact label on yourself might make things a lot harder. try to ignore what you should be, just figure it out based on what your instinct wants. Last edited by paco; 24th Sep 2009 at 11:52 PM..

25th Sep 2009, 12:39 AM	#16
Just Adam Just passing through Full Member Gender: Something Orientation: Dunno Out Status: If they ask i will tell them Location: Wherever Age: 23 Posts: 6,002 Join Date: Mar 2009	Re: How do you know? For sure... you dont allways have to just know sometimes it can sneek up on you and slap you that your not straight. but like i say and others have dont label yourself your sexuality doesent define you just be yourself and take it how it comes __________________ There Used To Be A Point Of Things.

25th Sep 2009, 02:36 AM	#17
Astaroth ❀ Byakuren Hijiri ❀ Full Member Gender: Genderqueer Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Federal Way, WA Age: 30 Posts: 1,299 Join Date: Nov 2007	Re: How do you know? For sure... Just to add some thoughts on the issue. There is a common belief that girls are lovers and guys are lusters. What I mean by this is that it is easy and safe to get into an emotional relationship with a woman because women in our society tend to be the more emotion-oriented of the two sexes. Meanwhile, men are usually portrayed as only thinking with their 'little head' and/or their stomach, so they aren't usually trusted with emotional issues and more with immediate/fast attraction, carnal cravings, and quick gratification. This belief has led a lot of people to come to the conclusion that it is more difficult or even impossible to form emotional relationships with men. This can be a source of major confusion when you are physically attracted to them but cannot get around the idea that woman are the nurturers and emotional ones. There's a common theme of "I can see myself in a long-term friendship with a girl but only having sex with a guy" that this plays into. This, in turn, can create the feeling that you are attracted to both sexes in some way. If this sounds like you, it might be worth examining why you find each sex attractive. Are there any assumptions being made such as "men can't form the emotional bonds women can" or "women understand me better" that can't really be proven? If so, it might indicate that you may not have what would technically qualify as an attraction to women at all, but more of a kinship to them. Someone once said here that "the proof is in the porn" and it's pretty much true. The frequency of women to men that can arouse you (not necessarily in porn, but just by looks or personality) will tell you how gay or bi you are. __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~

25th Sep 2009, 12:19 PM	#19
Miles D Rude... and not ginger. Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: queer Out Status: everyone Location: San Diego, CA ⇒ Great Barrington, MA Age: 20 Posts: 1,171 Join Date: Jul 2008	Re: How do you know? For sure... I think there is no way you can ever know for sure. Think about it. To be 100% gay, never attracted to women, you'd have to meet every woman that ever was born and will be born. Holy shoot, just thinking about it makes my head spin! Most people have "exceptions to the rule", and so it comes down to which label most suits you. A lot of people who identify as gay have opposite-sex relationships, and tons of straight people have same-sex relationships. Just go with the flow __________________ Bowties are cool. Fezzes are cool.

27th Sep 2009, 12:49 PM	#20
gaz83 Guest Posts: n/a	Re: How do you know? For sure... wooho, first post for me on here. i like the whole attitude of see what happens. All my life i have always thought of myself gettin a girlfriend, married and stuff. over the past few years i had alot of family problems and now i am startin to think differently. god knows what the end result will be when i do decide what im into. thats why i decide to explore.