Is it just me or is it true...?

[RaeofLite]

...that guys seem to have an easier time coming out to their parents and being more accepted? (the majority of them anyway).

I mean, do parents think that for some reason, guys "didn't choose" this, whereas if they had a daughter and she's gay, "she did choose" or something weird?

I don't know, it's a thought I've always wondererd. What are your opinions and experiences?

[Greggers]

Ive never really heard of that before. I know my parents thought i chose my sexuality and they kind took it...really badly. I dont think it *could* have gone worse if i was a girl :P

Like most things, its case by case. Im sure some women have a much harder time than some guys at coming out. Im also sure some men have a much harder time than some girls at coming out. You cant really talk in generalizations or majorities with SUCH a diverse group of people as "gay men" and "gay women". Its just too broad an amount of people. If you narrow it down to specific people then you will find its different for everyone and people land of every side of the fence possible.

[RaeofLite]

I guess. I was just wondering because guys are almost always "expected to be sexual" from an early age, and girls are mostly supposed to be "chaste and proper", yet exploited in mags etc. Thus, guys would know what turns them on and girls might "not know" according to what some people think.

Hm, maybe it's just my scenario. Others probably have different views?

[GhostDog]

I haven't heard that, either. I've heard some pretty awfully unaccepting coming out stories from men and women both. Some cultures make it a hell of a lot harder, but I haven't been left with the impression that women have it harder than men coming out or vice versa even in those cases.

... But my personal impressions of things are, of course, absolute fact and should be etched in stone ASAP. ;P

[Greggers]

Its true that often in the media a guy can act very sexual and he is a "player" (good thing) and if a girl acts sexual she is labeled a "whore" (bad thing).

I think thats changing with the times, but its still present.

For coming out? I dont think it really factors in too much. If a parent is going to re-act badly to his or her son or daughter being gay, i dont think that it would change depending on the gender. Either way the parent will re-act badly. Some parents will take a coming out better depending on the gender because of past experiences im sure, such as having a close friend who was gay and of a certain gender.

[Gaetan]

Originally Posted by RaeofLite

guys are almost always "expected to be sexual" from an early age, and girls are mostly supposed to be "chaste and proper"

As they said in Glee, "girls want it just as badly."

I honestly cannot say from experience, but I really think it entirely depends on the people.

[GhostDog]

Originally Posted by RaeofLite

I guess. I was just wondering because guys are almost always "expected to be sexual" from an early age, and girls are mostly supposed to be "chaste and proper", yet exploited in mags etc. Thus, guys would know what turns them on and girls might "not know" according to what some people think.

Hm, maybe it's just my scenario. Others probably have different views?

Ohhh I think I misinterpreted what you said. Were you asking if parents have an easier time actually believing it when a son says he's gay versus a daughter saying she is?

Still, I've heard a lot of guys saying their parents asked them if they were sure, what made them think they were gay, had they tried it with a girl, and so on. Probably if a parent's going to be in denial, they're going to be in denial no matter what the gender of their kid.

It may be that society at large doesn't take a woman's view on her sexuality seriously, though, mostly because women's sexuality has historically been ignored or denied as you said!

[Filip]

Well, I can't say I've heard of this in relation to coming out to parents specifically. In fact, I have sometimes had the impression (though it's hard to verify) that guys have a harder time being accepted by their parents as gay than girls are.

I have heard of friends not believing girls when they come out. Some people just seem to reason that not being straight is "unmanly", so a guy would never lie about it, while being bi or lesbian is appealing to guys, so girls are just in it for the attention.

[RaeofLite]

Originally Posted by Filip

Well, I can't say I've heard of this in relation to coming out to parents specifically. In fact, I have sometimes had the impression (though it's hard to verify) that guys have a harder time being accepted by their parents as gay than girls are.

I have heard of friends not believing girls when they come out. Some people just seem to reason that not being straight is "unmanly", so a guy would never lie about it, while being bi or lesbian is appealing to guys, so girls are just in it for the attention.

I think that's what I was referring to exactly. Then once people realize you're not doing it to attract the 'guys attention' but you really are gay, they do a double take and try and figure you out.

Interesting though...

[Gaetan]

I thought about it more, and I have to agree with Filip. There is a bit of a stigma attached to males becoming "feminized" in going for another man. Yet, on that token, there should be a stigma of "masculineization" towards lesbians. Maybe the lack of that is an unintended side effect of the whole push for women's equality?

I dunno, but there is definitely a double standard. I have seen the below poster on countless guy's dormroom walls. It's perfectly accepted; almost expected to some degree. Yet, I've never seen an equivalent poster in a straight girl's room.



And then, there's this.



...Yeeeeeaaaah.

[Filip]

Originally Posted by Gaetan

I thought about it more, and I have to agree with Filip. There is a bit of a stigma attached to males becoming "feminized" in going for another man. Yet, on that token, there should be a stigma of "masculineization" towards lesbians. Maybe the lack of that is an unintended side effect of the whole push for women's equality?

Well, as far as I can see from my limited circle of lesbian friends, there is a lot less stigma. Women don't ostracise each other as strongly as men sometimes do about matters of sexuality (that's the impression I'm having, as a guy, so any lesbians are free to come in and say I'm wrong). And men mostly go through a phase of finding it hot, and then accepting the lesbian as "one of the boys".

While, on the other hand, men ostracise other men for being too feminised (even if the guy is straight-acting, everything gets reinterpreted as feminised). And a lot of gay men I know have relatively little inclination to become "one of the girls".

(and yeah, these are generalisations, there are also a lot of instances of lesbians being branded as men-hating hags, and of gays being instantly accepted by their friends)

So I do think there is a lot of difference. Both have a lot of problems to deal with.
And then I'm not even bringing bisexuals in the equation. The more bisexuals I know, the more I respect them, really...

[Just Adam]

never heard of this...as far as i can see its easier for women nowadays to say im lesbian than a guy im gay...

but really it aint easy for anyone ...nothigns easy

[Katherine]

I think I see what you're saying.

My dad's a perfect example. Whenever he talks about gay MALE teenagers, he talks about it like they're completely different than straight people, that it's just how they are, that they couldn't possibly have chosen it because that would be un-manly, etc. But every time I bring up the fact that I'M gay, he starts saying things like, "Oh, you don't know for sure. What if you haven't met the right guy yet? Lots of women THINK they're lesbians and then fall in love with a man."

So yeah.

I don't know if you'd consider it more difficult. Both sexes have difficulties with coming out. When it comes to being taken seriously, though, I think women really do have more trouble with that.

[Phoenix]

I see what you're saying but I don't think it's true. In fact I think it would be more awkward for my mother if my sister were gay, because she can't relate to the idea of liking women (even though my mother is supportive of gays of both genders). I think that she has an easier time accepting that I like guys because she can be like, "Well I can see why, I'm attracted to them too." But maybe it's that way with dads and gay daughters. So who knows. I've know of families accepting a girl coming out smoothly, a guy coming out smoothly, a girl coming out not so smoothly, and a guy coming out not so smoothly. So I think, as has been said, that it has to go on a case by case basis.

[Kenko]

I haven't heard anything along those lines, though I'd think the exceptions of guys to be "super masculine" vs. stereotypes of gay guys, vs. the cultural allowability of women to appear more butch combined with expectations of guys to "carry on the family name" might suggest the opposite. Though really it is a case by case basis.

[haelmarie]

Male homosexuality receives a lot more media coverage than that of females, so it's generally more accepted that there are gay men. We're the vain shallow bitches with the floppy wrists and lisps - there's already a very well known gay male stereotype that I've known since I was young. However, I hadn't even heard about any lesbian stereotypes until I was much older, which goes to show you how less exposed the female gay community is.

What I'm trying to say is that gay men already have Brokeback Mountain and Will and Grace. What do lesbians have - The L Word? Think of how many "lesbian" movies end with one of the women marrying a man. Because female homosexuality has not received the same exposure as male, it might be that certain parents perceive female homosexuality as less legitimate simply because they probably have never heard/seen many lesbians.

[Ralivar]

I agree with what other people have said, that it really is different for every person. Every persons situation is different. I think that the family itself can affect how someone's parents take the news, and how they accept it.

I think with guys there is, as Kenko said, the idea that a guy must carry on the family name. If a gay guy is an only child or the only male child then I guess there is this idea that they are never going to be able to have children (even if it has nothing to do with carrying on the family name), and this is hard for some parents to accept I think. Whilst with lesbians, even though the situation may not be considered ideal they can still have children. Now I know this isn't true (at least in Australia, I think) but from what have I seen and read it is something that goes through every parents mind when their child comes out to them. I know that its something I've thought about in my various rambling thought processes when I've been considering coming out to my parents, that the likelihood of me having children is less because I'm a gay, than if I were straight.

Obviously that is just a small part of it, but I think for some parents it really is a major issue, if there child is going to have a baby of their own.

[kramer362]

Maybe in some families the daughter is expected to 'give' her parents grandchildren. Sons too, but since women are the ones physically giving birth, that could be the problem...

I never heard this though... I always heard men faced harsher reactions. But that is more from society than their own families.

[Just Adam]

all i know is in this city if your lgbt...you got to be very careful who you tell. i know my father hates gay people all has no likeing for tehm in any case.. none of my friends have ever liked gay guys its sick and wrong and disgusting.. >.> they would say if i was gay thwy wouldent be friends with me ..thanks... my grandparents wouldent tollerate it my sister i dont know what she knows of lgbt life at neqarly 11 but i dont think she would understand the positives prob only heard play ground negatives...

so yea not really a tolelrance for guys who think guys are so great they like them extra... nope

but heres teh sting most if not 99% are like lesbian \m/ rock on.... doubble standards...
so i dunno about other places but here as far as i see beeing lgbt is very underground...

[chaostheory]

There is a double standard to coming out. For men, parents tend to be harder on them. However, they usually believe it's something they can't change (or at least not easily). For women, however, many parents believe that is simply a "phase", or that they're doing this for attention.

The media has a lot to do with this attitude. Homosexuality in women are glorified by the media, but only for its sexual nature. It's seen as something done just to experiment or turn men on. However, male homosexuality, while more condemned, is taken more seriously by society.