Raising gender-nonconforming children

[Étoile]

We know that we should let children be who they are. On this note, would you raise your child or is it okay for children to be completely gender-noncomformist? Would you give them equal amounts of Barbies and cars? Enter them in ballet and football? Let them wear the gendered clothing they wanted or both "boy" clothes and "girl" clothes? Encourage both traditionally masculine and feminine traits (be rough and tough but not afraid to be sensitive). It's easy for parents to persuade gender fluidity (correct me if this isn't a correct term) in the home, but how will they deal with the child at school, in public? I think it'd be interesting to see how gay people, who often were 'different' than their same-sex peers when they were younger, respond.

This topic came to mind after an incident involving my 3-year-old niece. She has taken a sudden interest in toy cars and my mom and sister (my niece's mom) seemed confused. They then discussed giving her a Barbie and within a few days, BAM!, she has two new Barbies. She still plays with baby dolls along with her cars and acts generally feminine, so I don't understand the concern.

I dunno, I'll just see what happens when I have kids. I don't think it matters SO much what kind of toys they have, but the kind of message they are getting from parents/people around them and the messages about those toys. Does that make sense at all? I completely understand and support gender non conformist people. But my philosophy is more not valuing one gender, or certain gender traits over another. If my nonexistent daughter is the girliest girl ever, I want her to know that's OK and there is nothing wrong with being a girl or feminine, that she isn't weak or needs to be more "gender fluid." Same goes for if she's uber masculine or somewhere in between.

More of just presenting options when it comes to gender and supporting my kids I guess. With school and the public, just deal with it as it comes.

(I am so tired I have no idea if what I typed just made sense).

[Greggers]

As a child who was forced into everything society says someone with a penis should do, and should do well, i would never EVER put a child through that. Ever. (I posted about that on the pink dress arcticle thread yesterday if anyone saw that. Bad memories...)

This is my theory for how i would handle it (obviously cannot test this yet, i have no children )

As a baby, i would buy him or her gender neutral clothes and toys. (Lots of yellow clothing, no dolls or trucks for babys, ect.)

Once my child was abit older, aprox. toddler age, i would point blank ask him or her what colors he or she liked best and what toys he or she liked to play with best. It would be totally up to the child. If the child didnt know, i would just go ahead and get both and see what the child liked better. (A "try everything atleast once" policy that i am a big fan of)

If my child becomes gender non-conforming it will not be because i forced it on them, it will be because they just plain are. In this case i would most likely try and protect them from bullying as much as i could by teaching them what to do and say and talking to people at the school. I know parents dont want to let there child do something they are highly likely to be teased for, but i dont think your really "protecting" them by making them hide there true colors.

In the end i feel my childs happiness would come first. Whatever they want. TBH, id rather have a child that was into playing with dolls, baking, and dressing up. I would just know what to do, because thats what kind of child i was. If my child was into sports, playing in the dirt, and racing cars i would be sort of at a loss, but i would fully accept that and i would learn to be a good parent. I think my childhood really has set me up to be a great father. It was so scarring that ive learned all the "do-nots" before hand (as sad, very sad, as that thought is...)

[Just Adam]

i would jsut ask them what they wanted and let them decide i wouldent give them both unless they wanted both...

i would dress tehm as their gender when young but if tehy expressed a wanting to wear clothing that they liek but not what society expects i would tell them this and let them choose if they wanted too i would love them and support them....

as far as activitys go well if they go to school and say at the end of the day i want to take dance i would say sure if they say i want to play football i would say you go for it...if they said i want to go to an all boys boarding school...i would say hunny thats expensive >.>

ive been held down beaten and outcasted in life for beeing me treated from a lesser beeing to an experiment...so i will not enforce that on a child any child..

everyone has the right to be who they want to be and for perople to help and accept...

[starfish]

I don't want children so this is a purely academic exercise for me.

I am very much the live and let live type. So I would let them play with any toys they choose and what ever activities they choose.

IMHO the gender boundaries we have exist "to keep women in their place". Well I don't believe in that. I believe that any one can do anything they want. I also whole heartily believe that we can only achieve our true potential when we set aside our predetermined notions of who we should be and allow ourselves to be who we truly are.

[AtomicCafe]

Growing up, I was beaten if I didn't wear dresses, if I didn't wait for someone to hold the door open for me, if I didn't play with Barbies and do everything like a good little female. I do identify myself as female for the most part, but I'd consider myself soft butch, androgynous, genderqueer, something that's not entirely female. I wear mens clothing and do plenty of male-like things despite my upbringing.

Were I do have a child (still torn on if I would), I think I would start them off in as gender-neutral a home as possible. Once they got a little older, I'd start explaining things to them: even though the world may want you to fit into a perfect gender binary, I want you to know you'll always be loved no matter how you present yourself. It's not wrong to be a diverse person, to wear jeans and like Barbies or wear dresses while playing with cars. Of course, I'd have a better way to say things, but my main concern would be making sure my child has somewhere to turn even when people say negative things about their gender identity.

(Oh, dear, please excuse all of my "their" and "them" references in referring to a child. I'm too tired to bother with grammar.)

[ethelred]

Strangely, especially considering my mother's...worries on the subject, I managed to get through growing up "gender non conformist" style. My sister kinda was hoping for a sister, I think, but she's a bit of a Tom-boy, and when I came around, I think she was just like "okay, whatever" and my mom didn't intervene with how we played and with what.

So my childhood involved healthy doses of Legos, playing in the mud, making forts, playing "witch," dress-up (the fun we had cross-dressing should have been illegal), bike riding, Barbies, slot cars, and dollhouse. Mind you, the dollhouse was also a multi-pound scrap-wood behemoth with its own lighting system that my father built.

My sister wore combat boots and hoodies to middle/high school, and I wore sweater vests, corduroys, and even geled my hair for a while. Both of us have helped our father muck around in the innards of car engines and mow the lawn, and both of us have helped our mother plant flowers and tend the stupid amount of gardens on the premises. We made innumerable cakes, pastries, and chocolates but also played videogames and fixed computers for hours.

So I would probably do that if I had kids. Let them do whatever it is they enjoy doing, and on some level I think everyone enjoys just about every childhood activity, if only a little.

Though I don't know what I would do if they didn't like Legos...being a father isn't complete without playing with Legos with your children. And it's so good for a young mind.

[NickT]

Basically I follow these rules:

If I have a girl: Do not raise her to be the fashion-crazed dumb-blonde sex-machine type. If she wants to wear clothing with 1 in2 surface areas, she can forget it.

If I have a boy: He will not, and I mean NOT at ANY time think muscles are better than brains.

I won't be strict, but I'm rather adamant about the above. >:|

[Pseudojim]

I believe knowing yourself is a very important part of being fundamentally happy, for everybody. With that in mind, i would never discourage anything based on whether it goes with my child's gender or not.

[littledinosaurs]

I think I'd let my kid play with whatever toys they wanted, but it's proven that once in middle school that they're gonna get severely picked on because kids at this age tend to become obsessed with gender roles and essentially patrol to make sure that the societal norms are being followed. So does it seem that crazy that a parent would want their kid to follow the norms so they don't get picked on?
*shrug*

[Shevanel]

The problem I have with "letting kids choose" is that they won't choose, even if you let them, If you're not going to tell them what to do, then society will, especially their classmates and childhood friends. So I think that's a huge flaw in the whole "i'm going to let my kids make their own choices at who they want to be."

I think its just best to be open to what they want, rather than letting them choose from the get-go. Like, its complicated.

[starfish]

Originally Posted by NickT

If I have a boy: He will not, and I mean NOT at ANY time think muscles are better than brains.

Muscles and Brians are not mutually exclusive. So I would hope that you don't preclude the pursuit of physical activity and physical fitness should he choose to do that.

Originally Posted by NickT

Basically I follow these rules:

If I have a girl: Do not raise her to be the fashion-crazed dumb-blonde sex-machine type. If she wants to wear clothing with 1 in2 surface areas, she can forget it.

If I have a boy: He will not, and I mean NOT at ANY time think muscles are better than brains.

I won't be strict, but I'm rather adamant about the above. >:|

Don't forget to raise your boys not to expect women to be fashion crazed dumb blonde sex machine types either. And also, don't let your daughter feel there is something wrong with being a woman and being sexual and being proud of her body. I wish women could walk around topless like men and not get crap.

[pirateninja]

I don't want kids, so luckily I won't have to do this

In my personal experience, from very young I wore pink and lots of dresses. Apparently at the two to three mark I had one favourite sundress that I refused to take off My mom says that I never really played with dolls or anything like that and my toys were mostly gender-neutral and it was as I got to four or five that I stopped wearing dresses and got into shirts and jeans. I was very lucky; when I started telling my parents what I liked to wear, they went along with it and didn't try to force me into clothes or activities I didn't like. I played football in the street, liked to play male roles in imagination games and all that. I knew from a young age that I just was more masculine than other girls. Whether this determined my sexuality or not, only genetic hoohah can explain. But I was very happy with my self expression; it got me bullied a bit in middle school, but the right people just accepted it. I'd take that bullying again in a heartbeat rather than deny myself.

tl;dr - Kids should just be allowed to express themselves how they feel. They know what they want and generally don't have a filter or knowledge of social norms so they will be honest about what they want.

[Miles D]

I would definitely raise my child to be a gender non-conformist. hahaha, especially because I'm coming from the perspective of someone who identifies as a different gender than I was socialized.

I mean, it'd be just my luck that any kids I adopted would be super girlie girls or super masculine boys, but I'd try to broaden their understanding of gender, and not have their expression so constricted.

That being said, I'm a big fan of gender neutral toys like Legos, board games, and blocks but I also don't think things like cars and stuffed animals are gendered

As for dress, I'm all for having my kids be kinda gender fuckity. My daughters will wear pants with big pockets, and my sons will wear pink and floral patterns.

And I will never have any of my kids have a single-sex birthday party. Ughh... the idea of those just freaks me out!

[djt820]

If I ever have a boy, the fucker is restricted to toy guns and heavy metal music.

[RaeofLite]

Honestly, it's a wonder my family didn't think I was gay. Maybe they just hoped I was a tomboy? I loved getting dirty outside in mud, creeks, hiking, dirt biking, biking, running around etc. I also played with action figures (not barbies), though I love drawing and reading too. I wore jeans, overalls(hell yea 90s...), tshirts and always scowled when mom wanted me to wear a "pretty skirt or dress". I still do on the last part sometimes. :P

That doesn't have to do with my orientation, I know, but rather my gender identity. I feel in the middle of the mas/femme spectrum and sometimes I'll play with both side equally. (ie: wear guy jeans, shirts, ties, but also wear female business attire with a bit of lace, jewlery etc). It's just how I feel really.

--

On the note of raising kids.. if I ever decide to have or adopt any. I will let them wear what they want to wear, but as they grow up I'll teach them that sometimes people may not agree with how they feel inside but that the world is a diverse place and as long as they are comfortable about it, and are well kept in clean clothes-and treat themselves and others with respect it'll be ok.

[redsapphire]

I was really girly when I was growing up, right up to about 11 12 years old. It was only after then I started to feel really uncomfortable in skirts and dresses and disinterested in dolls and dress up. I guess because I was older my parents were okay with me being slightly tomboyish. Now they still complain about how I should 'take more care of myself' and 'make myself look nice', the only problem is we disagree on what is 'nice'. The only reason why it took such a long time for me to realise this is because my parents are so gender conformist.

I guess when I adopt children I'll try to be as leniant as I can be with gender conformity, but I also want them to listen to what I tell them and not what society does, cuz that can be the most brutal voice of all.

[George]

Well.. If I DO have kids I'd let them have the toys they want and all.. But I'm not a fan of the blue for boys, pink for girls thing, I like the unisex colours better. Not for any reason but I just think they look better.

But that being said, I'd personally dress my kid(s) up in their gender's clothes, and if they really wanted to cross dress I'd make sure they're 100% positive first, and make sure they know what they're doing.

[tinarenee]

Well I guess I’m coming from a different place than most of you. I already have 2 kids, I have never pushed either of them about what they should play with or how they should dress as far as gender wise.

My daughter’s taste in clothes changes with her mood. Some days she is very girly and others she is very butch and still other days she is very much in the middle. My son is only 2 so he doesn’t care what he wears, I do have to confess that most of his clothes are very boyish and not gender neutral at all. He does how ever get into his sisters clothes all the time and walk around with dresses and stuff on. This does not bother me or anyone else in the house at all.

As for toys they both play with dolls, cars, tea sets, stuffed animals, they both play video games and my little ponies. I don’t restrict what they play with based on gender appropriateness, there are way too many other things to worry about.

My son gets into my daughters make-up all the time and smears lip gloss all over his face and my daughter has been the only girl at birthday parties before. None of this was a planned parenting technique, it’s just how it happened, you know letting them be happy and be themselves. I think that’s the best way, but then that’s just my opinion.