Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Katherine · 4th Dec 2009, 03:24 PM

My little brother (a straight 15 year old) has been asking this a lot lately.

"So, like, why do lesbians always like women who look like men? Why not just go for the dude instead? I mean, why go for the next best thing? And besides, I don't get why you lesbians are so into manly-looking girls. I like real women, y'know?"

At first I jumped on him with my typical "hey hey hey it is NOT the same thing" but then I thought about it for a minute and couldn't really come up with a decent answer for him.

Personally, I'm very much attracted to butch women. I don't know why. I mean, feminine girls are definitely attractive too, but I love dykey ones. But it isn't like I'd be attracted to that kind of man, either. You could take two twins, one guy and one girl, and put them in the exact same outfit, and I'd still be 10x more attracted to the girl. So it's not like I'm looking for a man. Just...a boyish-looking woman. I'm sure a bunch of you guys understand what I'm saying here.

But it got me wondering: why are gay people more prone to falling for those who appear slightly more androgynous? (I'm not saying we all are, but it is pretty common.) I've had a couple of discussions about it with others on this forum. I remember Kirah (GhostDog) once suggested that we're just attracted to gender-bending in general -- the idea that someone's confident enough to not be held back by gender restrictions. That seems like a good reason. But I'd like to hear everyone's opinions.

Just Adam · 4th Dec 2009, 03:30 PM

i say you just like who you like thats that it doesent need an explination or a reason...

i dont feel anything towards manly men fem men fem women or butch women...they are all just human to me.

likeing someone and beeing with them in the end comes down to more than how you present or how you posture yourself be it in a masculien or feminine attitue...the basic initial attraction are jsut trates you like and would admire in teh opposite sex but its the rest that you feel nothign for yet withen the same sex you feel those other attractions.

just my pov

4th Dec 2009, 03:36 PM

That's something I could never explain to my self even. I think its something that's just rooted into out heads really. Ask him why he likes 'real' girls and not the ones that are straight butch? Just personal preference and that. If could fully understand why I like men then I would be rather famous. Sadly I don't. Its just what we like.

Black Cat · 4th Dec 2009, 03:37 PM

I generally find myself attracted to "manly" men. There is an exception to every rule though.

Attraction is difficult to explain, and equally difficult to understand. We like what we like, plain and simple.

Pseudojim · 4th Dec 2009, 03:53 PM

i love girls who look like boys and boys who look like girls

i also love girls who look like girls and boys who looks like boys.

i love girls who ACT like girls, boys who act like boys, girls who act like boys, but traditionally, not boys who act like girls.... This is starting to change though, and i'm beginning to explore it... I met a gay guy who was very effeminate while not being camp... He was just elegant, delicate, and graceful, and i couldn't take my eyes off him, so it looks like i like just about everything....

I suppose i'll learn more as i keep growing up

Greggers · 4th Dec 2009, 03:56 PM

I find myself attracted to guys with soft features, "pretty" faces, and ones who dress in skinny jeans and form fitting tops / v necks and such. If you want a good example, think the obviously gay dancers on SYTYCD hahah

I dont exactly know why, but i think its partly to do with the fact they are very outwardly gay and that is a turn-on for me and partly to do with the fact im turned off by rough/dirty/athletic anything. I trace this all back to my love for Ianto Jones, the suit wearing welsh coffee maker in Torchwood who i had/have the biggest TV crush on ever

RainbowJay · 4th Dec 2009, 04:13 PM

I find myself naturally attracted to more feminine women, but occasionally butch women like Shane from the L-word just get me all riled up

so I dunno, I'm pretty versatile with it, I just happen to notice the femmes more ;D

**Maddy** · 4th Dec 2009, 04:19 PM

I'm pretty much attracted to the female identity, it doesn't really matter to me whether a girl's butch or femme or somewhere in between. I have a slight preference for more feminine women, just a personal preference, but that's definitely not a rule. There are huge fundamental differences between a more butch woman and a man, or a more feminine man and a woman - they are not the same, and that's what a lot of people don't tend to grasp.

Goliath · 4th Dec 2009, 05:19 PM

I think it varies a lot for everyone. The result of the poll will be interesting though.

Usually I'm turned off by everything (well most things) that reminds me of the opposite sex

mmilam75 · 4th Dec 2009, 05:41 PM

Attraction is very difficult to explain. I liken it to what a Supreme Court Justice once said when asked to define what is pornographic. He said, "I can't define it, but I know it when I see it". Attraction is, it seems to me, very similiar...I can be attracted to someone's mind and the emotional connection between us, and that creates a physical attraction between us that might not normally exist...likewise, the physical might be the first thing I notice and then an emotional bond forms.

As others have said, we like what we like and it is very difficult to explain.

Aoifeee · 4th Dec 2009, 07:16 PM

Feminine women for me definetly.....But then the odd time I'm attracted to women with slightly masculine features.......for example Shane from The L Word XD

I think it's a little bit of straight creeping in..sub conciously attracted to the masculinity but not attracted to an actual man as that would be TOO much...

4th Dec 2009, 07:30 PM

Well, androgyny appeals to me because it's kind of like hitting two birds with one stone.
I love certain things in men that I don't get in women and vice versa. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I can find both sets of qualities in people who are genderfucks, genderqueer or just gender nonconforming. And also I have a bit of a hard-on for men who cross-dress and women who bind.

While I'm not genderblind as some bisexuals/pansexuals claim to be, people who step outside the normal or make me doubletake when I hear their voice are just hot.

All that being said, I still find people who strongly identify with one gender attractive.
Pretty much, I just love the whole slew of differences found in people.

RaeofLite · 4th Dec 2009, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maddy

I'm pretty much attracted to the female identity, it doesn't really matter to me whether a girl's butch or femme or somewhere in between. I have a slight preference for more feminine women, just a personal preference, but that's definitely not a rule. There are huge fundamental differences between a more butch woman and a man, or a more feminine man and a woman - they are not the same, and that's what a lot of people don't tend to grasp.

Yea. Differences include: personality, general kindness(mostly), little to no facial hair in women, skin is softer in women, women are often better kisses, it's easier to emotionally attach to a woman... need I go on?

I have attractions all over the gender spectrum (as long as they are women) and it's all good to me.

Tiffany · 4th Dec 2009, 10:39 PM

I would like to support the support for Shane from the L word... but Carmen (L Word) is probably more my type... I definitely like feminine women... but I like women in general--- *gasp* yes, attraction is certainly a complicated thing.

AtomicCafe · 4th Dec 2009, 11:13 PM

I'm usually attracted to either really feminine-looking women who wear manly clothes (a pretty girl in a tux? Drooool!) or girly-girls. I think I have been attracted to more butch women, but it's so rare that I can't even think of a concrete example. For some reason, I sort of prefer being the more "manly" one in my relationships.

adam88 · 5th Dec 2009, 06:44 AM

I voted for A). For instance, I like chicks with short hair, and dudes with long hair. What can I say?

Pepsi · 5th Dec 2009, 08:40 AM

Well I'm not attracted to feminine guys but I don't really think I'm that feminine, I mean sure I love lady gaga and the theater but I'm not that "flamey." But as others have said I think we just like who we like and if we could control it there would be no need for this forum.

MusicIsLife · 5th Dec 2009, 09:07 AM

I dont have an answer as to 'why?' but I prefer butch women. I can't help it

sexyalex · 5th Dec 2009, 09:18 AM

After my last relationship I think I dunno really lol.
I am second guessing everything...

My last relationship did bad for me. Seriously, he turned me off a whole race. O_O
I dun even know if I am gay anymore. lol

Well maybe not that extreme. But I am serious about the race part.

Orpheus · 5th Dec 2009, 09:36 AM

I'm pansexual, so I am attracted to a lot of different "types". However I do have a preference for people who aren't hyper-feminine girls or hyper-masculine guys. That is, I'm fine with an extremely feminine boy, but might not be as fine with a girl who was as feminine, and vice versa. Don't ask me why, it's just my preference.

View Poll Results: Are you generally more attracted to more manly/girly/androgynous types?
Girls: I prefer butch women / Guys: I prefer feminine men	12	13.79%
Girls: I prefer feminine women / Guys: I prefer manly men	37	42.53%
I have no particular preference; I like all types	38	43.68%
Voters: 87. You may not vote on this poll

4th Dec 2009, 03:24 PM	#1
Katherine Professional Cuddler Full Member Gender: 75% female Orientation: 110% gay Out Status: 98% out Location: The land of rednecks and pine trees (Georgia) Age: 19 Posts: 1,745 Join Date: Mar 2009	Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? My little brother (a straight 15 year old) has been asking this a lot lately. "So, like, why do lesbians always like women who look like men? Why not just go for the dude instead? I mean, why go for the next best thing? And besides, I don't get why you lesbians are so into manly-looking girls. I like real women, y'know?" At first I jumped on him with my typical "hey hey hey it is NOT the same thing" but then I thought about it for a minute and couldn't really come up with a decent answer for him. Personally, I'm very much attracted to butch women. I don't know why. I mean, feminine girls are definitely attractive too, but I love dykey ones. But it isn't like I'd be attracted to that kind of man, either. You could take two twins, one guy and one girl, and put them in the exact same outfit, and I'd still be 10x more attracted to the girl. So it's not like I'm looking for a man. Just...a boyish-looking woman. I'm sure a bunch of you guys understand what I'm saying here. But it got me wondering: why are gay people more prone to falling for those who appear slightly more androgynous? (I'm not saying we all are, but it is pretty common.) I've had a couple of discussions about it with others on this forum. I remember Kirah (GhostDog) once suggested that we're just attracted to gender-bending in general -- the idea that someone's confident enough to not be held back by gender restrictions. That seems like a good reason. But I'd like to hear everyone's opinions. __________________ Overly emotional five-foot-tall vegetarian gamer girl who procrastinates way too much. Loves food, art, cats, and making people smile.

4th Dec 2009, 03:30 PM	#2
Just Adam Just passing through Full Member Gender: Something Orientation: Dunno Out Status: If they ask i will tell them Location: Wherever Age: 23 Posts: 6,002 Join Date: Mar 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? i say you just like who you like thats that it doesent need an explination or a reason... i dont feel anything towards manly men fem men fem women or butch women...they are all just human to me. likeing someone and beeing with them in the end comes down to more than how you present or how you posture yourself be it in a masculien or feminine attitue...the basic initial attraction are jsut trates you like and would admire in teh opposite sex but its the rest that you feel nothign for yet withen the same sex you feel those other attractions. just my pov __________________ There Used To Be A Point Of Things.

4th Dec 2009, 03:36 PM	#3
Jiggles Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? That's something I could never explain to my self even. I think its something that's just rooted into out heads really. Ask him why he likes 'real' girls and not the ones that are straight butch? Just personal preference and that. If could fully understand why I like men then I would be rather famous. Sadly I don't. Its just what we like.

4th Dec 2009, 03:37 PM	#4
Black Cat As Seen On Hoarders... Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: This cat is out of the bag - I mean closet Location: Pennsylvania, with the cows Age: 21 Posts: 2,391 Join Date: Jun 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I generally find myself attracted to "manly" men. There is an exception to every rule though. Attraction is difficult to explain, and equally difficult to understand. We like what we like, plain and simple. __________________ "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." - Mr. Magorium

4th Dec 2009, 03:53 PM	#5
Pseudojim Part robot Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bi - Kinsey 2ish Out Status: All but family Location: Australia Age: 27 Posts: 2,154 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? i love girls who look like boys and boys who look like girls i also love girls who look like girls and boys who looks like boys. i love girls who ACT like girls, boys who act like boys, girls who act like boys, but traditionally, not boys who act like girls.... This is starting to change though, and i'm beginning to explore it... I met a gay guy who was very effeminate while not being camp... He was just elegant, delicate, and graceful, and i couldn't take my eyes off him, so it looks like i like just about everything.... I suppose i'll learn more as i keep growing up

4th Dec 2009, 03:56 PM	#6
Greggers Sunshine & Optimism ...also Angels. Full Member Gender: Theatre Queen Orientation: Disco Sticks Out Status: Everyone and a few more Location: BC, Canada Age: 21 Posts: 3,528 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I find myself attracted to guys with soft features, "pretty" faces, and ones who dress in skinny jeans and form fitting tops / v necks and such. If you want a good example, think the obviously gay dancers on SYTYCD hahah I dont exactly know why, but i think its partly to do with the fact they are very outwardly gay and that is a turn-on for me and partly to do with the fact im turned off by rough/dirty/athletic anything. I trace this all back to my love for Ianto Jones, the suit wearing welsh coffee maker in Torchwood who i had/have the biggest TV crush on ever __________________ "It's a male duck."

4th Dec 2009, 04:13 PM	#7
RainbowJay The one that got away Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Facebook, a few friends, hopefully more peeps soon Location: New York Age: 19 Posts: 683 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I find myself naturally attracted to more feminine women, but occasionally butch women like Shane from the L-word just get me all riled up so I dunno, I'm pretty versatile with it, I just happen to notice the femmes more ;D

4th Dec 2009, 04:19 PM	#8
Maddy Free Hugs EC Admin Gender: - Orientation: Into girls Location: Melbourne, Australia Age: 21 Posts: 7,704 Join Date: Mar 2008	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I'm pretty much attracted to the female identity, it doesn't really matter to me whether a girl's butch or femme or somewhere in between. I have a slight preference for more feminine women, just a personal preference, but that's definitely not a rule. There are huge fundamental differences between a more butch woman and a man, or a more feminine man and a woman - they are not the same, and that's what a lot of people don't tend to grasp. __________________ how strange it is to be anything at all [Victor] 2:09 pm: and then halloween happened and I was outside in a skirt.

4th Dec 2009, 05:19 PM	#9
Goliath **** of the Gargoyles Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Reykjavík Posts: 74 Join Date:** Nov 2008	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I think it varies a lot for everyone. The result of the poll will be interesting though. Usually I'm turned off by everything (well most things) that reminds me of the opposite sex

4th Dec 2009, 05:41 PM	#10
mmilam75 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Phoenix, Arizona Posts: 301 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? Attraction is very difficult to explain. I liken it to what a Supreme Court Justice once said when asked to define what is pornographic. He said, "I can't define it, but I know it when I see it". Attraction is, it seems to me, very similiar...I can be attracted to someone's mind and the emotional connection between us, and that creates a physical attraction between us that might not normally exist...likewise, the physical might be the first thing I notice and then an emotional bond forms. As others have said, we like what we like and it is very difficult to explain. __________________ Marcus "I would rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I am not"

4th Dec 2009, 07:16 PM	#11
Aoifeee Well Known Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lezbot! Out Status: I was never "in". I just don't like people knowing Location: Ireland Posts: 172 Join Date: Dec 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? Feminine women for me definetly.....But then the odd time I'm attracted to women with slightly masculine features.......for example Shane from The L Word XD I think it's a little bit of straight creeping in..sub conciously attracted to the masculinity but not attracted to an actual man as that would be TOO much...

4th Dec 2009, 07:30 PM	#12
Numfarh Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? Well, androgyny appeals to me because it's kind of like hitting two birds with one stone. I love certain things in men that I don't get in women and vice versa. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I can find both sets of qualities in people who are genderfucks, genderqueer or just gender nonconforming. And also I have a bit of a hard-on for men who cross-dress and women who bind. While I'm not genderblind as some bisexuals/pansexuals claim to be, people who step outside the normal or make me doubletake when I hear their voice are just hot. All that being said, I still find people who strongly identify with one gender attractive. Pretty much, I just love the whole slew of differences found in people.

4th Dec 2009, 10:39 PM	#14
Tiffany Member Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: friends and family Age: 23 Posts: 48 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I would like to support the support for Shane from the L word... but Carmen (L Word) is probably more my type... I definitely like feminine women... but I like women in general--- gasp yes, attraction is certainly a complicated thing. __________________ The greatest in life is to love and be loved... if only it were that simple.

4th Dec 2009, 11:13 PM	#15
AtomicCafe Gay by Day, Dyke by Night Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Asexual Lesbian Out Status: Out, Loud, and Proud Location: Tucson, AZ Age: 19 Posts: 208 Join Date: Oct 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I'm usually attracted to either really feminine-looking women who wear manly clothes (a pretty girl in a tux? Drooool!) or girly-girls. I think I have been attracted to more butch women, but it's so rare that I can't even think of a concrete example. For some reason, I sort of prefer being the more "manly" one in my relationships. __________________ That child has several options: staying in the closet, suicide. And then one day, that child might open up the paper and it says, "Homosexual Elected in San Francisco." - Harvey Milk

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5th Dec 2009, 06:44 AM	#16
adam88 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Pansexual. Or bi. Same thing. Out Status: Yes. Location: Toronto, Canada Age: 30 Posts: 797 Join Date: Nov 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I voted for A). For instance, I like chicks with short hair, and dudes with long hair. What can I say? __________________ --Brendan A coming out is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is it early. You come out precisely when you mean to. -not Gandalf

5th Dec 2009, 08:40 AM	#17
Pepsi R-Y-R-Y Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Completely Out Location: Staten Island, NYC Age: 20 Posts: 4,348 Join Date: Jan 2008	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? Well I'm not attracted to feminine guys but I don't really think I'm that feminine, I mean sure I love lady gaga and the theater but I'm not that "flamey." But as others have said I think we just like who we like and if we could control it there would be no need for this forum. __________________ "I'm not that typical baby. I'm a bad kid like my mom and dad made me. I'm not that cool and you hate me. I'm a bad kid, that's the way that they made me" - GAGA

5th Dec 2009, 09:07 AM	#18
MusicIsLife EC Addict Full Member Gender: Not even sure anymore. Something in between. Orientation: I like girls :) Out Status: Everyone on orientation 7 people on trans issue. Location: Montréal, QC Age: 23 Posts: 1,595 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I dont have an answer as to 'why?' but I prefer butch women. I can't help it

5th Dec 2009, 09:18 AM	#19
sexyalex Fame Monster copy No.2 Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: attracted to anyone sexy Out Status: only my friends know. Location: Kingston Age: 20 Posts: 1,410 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? After my last relationship I think I dunno really lol. I am second guessing everything... My last relationship did bad for me. Seriously, he turned me off a whole race. O_O I dun even know if I am gay anymore. lol Well maybe not that extreme. But I am serious about the race part. __________________ I know that we are young and I know that you may love me, but I just can't be with you like this anymore. Alejandro.

5th Dec 2009, 09:36 AM	#20
Orpheus Member Regular Member Gender: F2M Orientation: Queer Out Status: Pretty much everyone. Location: Oregon Posts: 40 Join Date: Jul 2009	Re: Why are so many gay people typically more attracted to more androgynous types? I'm pansexual, so I am attracted to a lot of different "types". However I do have a preference for people who aren't hyper-feminine girls or hyper-masculine guys. That is, I'm fine with an extremely feminine boy, but might not be as fine with a girl who was as feminine, and vice versa. Don't ask me why, it's just my preference.