Ok... I'm extremely frustrated... so please bare with me. background: you all know about my eternal crush, AC. So I won't get into details, it sufices to say that we went on a try to Foz do Iguacu together (along with two other people, but they were married so it doesn't count), and we had to share a room. Now, he even changed in front of me (i.e. was walking arround in his undies), and he knows I'm gay, I actually told him. When I came out to him he took it extremely well, it was the friendship day (does that exist in anglosaxon culture??) and he told me that comming out to him was the best present I could give him. So he did take it well... and I'm usually pretty sensitive when it comes to uneasyness. However, talking to a mutual (female) friend (her story is long, but let's just say that she had a crush on me and I blew her off by comming out to her, and i don't know how well she took it), she told me that when he found out that we were going to share a room he was all scared, as if I were going to fucking rape him or something. (glances at CK ). I don't know if she told me the truth, I don't know if she exagerated, but just the idea of him considering me capable of doing something like that... it's too much. It's questioning my very dignity as a human being... FUCK! I'd rather him hate me for being fucking gay than him thinking me capable of raping him. And not because the thoughts hadn't crossed my mind, because they did, but because I have enough self-control to avoid doing such things!!!! Anyway, so today I was very upset all day, I treated other people badly and they didn't deserve it, and when I met with AC late in the afternoon I was in a good mood, so I had forgotten about all this. However when I was about to go home I glanced at him and it all just hit me once again. Anyway, I went away, then I went back to tkd to see if he was still there, since he wasn't I made a lame excuse and then started driving home again. Then I don't know why I called him, and I asked him if he had anything to do, and he answered that he had to go out with his mother. so I told him I needed to talk to him, but that I would do it monday night (we meet on mondays) It wasn't until I arrived home and called another friend to see if he was free (I really needed to be with someone) that I realized that it could've sounded as If I was asking AC out or something. I felt so stupid... Anyway, we went out with some friends, had a fantastic time, then came back home and played Dance Dance Revolution Max 2 on PS2 on a giant screen and that relaxed me a little... However... I just needed to write this.... It's been a while since I started a thread here, and I figured this would be a nice one to try out.... now, my question is... why does he think I'm a fucking rapist? is it just that I'm gay and he atuomatically assumes that I'll try to fuck him?... this mutual friend know I have a crush on him, perhaps she told him out of anger, and he was confused and scared by it? Unwanted attention can be awkward sometimes... On the other hand, AC took it extremely well, and lately I've been picking up crossed signals from him... on one hand he seems completely straigh, on the other hand it would appear that he's hitting on me... What worries me the most is, if he was actually uncomfortable or scared of me, why didn't I realize? is it possible that he's such a good liar that I can't see through it? I don't think I ever missed something so bin in anyone... perhaps he's affecting me more than I can tell... He's been a little distant lately... is it because I'm tired (I haven't slept well in about three weeks) or perhaps something is going on in his life and he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it with me?... but then again, is it a sign of fear? is it a way of showing me that he's actually scared of me?
You really don't know that he said that, though. If it's bothering you a lot and you want to know for sure, the fair thing to do would be for you yourself to ask him what he said. But if you're not willing to bring it up and get his side of the story, then just let it go. It was a comment he may or may not have made; either way, he obviously wasn't THAT scared you'd rape him if he was walking around in his freaking underwear. The feelings you seem to be having sound pretty similar to feelings I was having when I fell for a straight guy. You analyze everything he does, trying to pick up on (a) if he might be gay and like you, and (b) if he's happy w/ you or mad at you (b/c any sign of weakness in your friendship freaks you out). If you're anything like me, you can't trust your own perceptions when it comes to your crush. B/c wishful thinking seriously interferes with your perception of reality. My crush might say hello to me, and I'd go back to my room and think about whether that hello sounded forced or whether he genuinely wanted to greet me. Ugh, gag. I feel so silly to have been so hung up over this guy, but I think that's just how crushes are. I don't know why I'm telling you this.
Hmm...I can understand why you are upset. Talk to him. Chances are, if he was uncomfortable, he wouldn't walk around in his underwear in front of you. But talk to him anyway.
I think you need to remember that he's 15 and people can be all over the map when they're 15. Actually, you're 19, right? You sound all over the map at times too, so it's completely possible that at one point, he's fine walking around in his underwear in front of you and at other times he's afraid you're going to rape him. I mean... fear is not a rational thing and if he hasn't figured out you have feelings for him, well, he's a moron, because if you act half as hot/cold with him as you describe you do here in the forum, he'd be an idiot not to figure out something was up. And, sadly, it's quite possible that even if he is straight, he might hit on you anyways because you know, whether we feel like reciprocating or not, sometimes it's awfully nice to be desired and to know you have that kind of a hold on someone. It's not terribly noble but it is terribly human. He would hardly be the first guy to lead another guy on (if that's what's going on). In a more flattering analysis, it could be that he just sometimes forgets (or doesn't care) that you're gay and so he feels perfectly fine prancing around in his underwear in front of you. Either way, you have my sympathy. I am definitely NOT in the camp of people who get off on being able to look but not touch. For instance, I go swimming at the university pool pretty regularly and many of the gay guys I mention this to say things like, "Oh that must be so hot, all those swimmer-boys showering and wearing nothing more than speedos." Uh, NO! It's not fucking hot at all... it's bloody excruciating! I'd rather go swimming at an all-women's pool because then at least I'm not surrounded by hot guys with perfect bodies who I cannot have. Anyway, just to finish up back on-topic, you might also want to get over this notion that you can read people like books. I speak from experience when I say that no matter how perceptive you are when it comes to people, it is absolutely possible, perhaps even a given, that they will at times turn around and behave in a manner you very much did not see coming. Especially if what you did not see coming is something you did not want to see coming (i.e. our own fears and desires are quite likely to curtail our ability to accurately understand other people's behaviour). Thinking you have people all figured out is just asking for life to whallop you upside the head with an unpleasantly unpredicted encounter with someone you "thought you knew."
I don't know, but... I think I might have an idea why you feel he's hitting on you sometimes... Basically, with me there's this one girl who had a crush on me last year for a long time. It made me really confused because I started to think 'Maybe I should ask her out (despite being gay)' and then 'Hey, maybe I'm bi! Or even straight!!!!'... but, no, I'm still gay. However, last year when I got a chance to talk to her in French class I started hitting on her and she was flirty in return. However, I just let it go and eventually the year ended. This year, she's still there but I think the crush of hers is basically over. Anyways, though, last night I went to a party with just a couple friends and she was there. Strangely enough, I immediately started making eyes at her again and flirting with her and that kind of thing... and, inevitably, went through a 'Hey, maybe I'm bi!!' thing again last night... I'm still confused and maybe I shoudl try dating her...? Anyways, what I'm trying to say to you is that maybe AC is confused. Furthermore, I think there might be a kind of sadistic 'Ha ha, I can flirt with you and make you fall in love with me but I wouldn't go out with you because I'm gay/straight' thing going on too. Okay, this was way too long to say just that... but oh well. :smilewave - Little post script thing: Anybody think I should try goin' out with this chick?? I feel really strange as if I'm in love... but maybe it's also confusion, or uneasiness around her, or that I just want her as a closer friend because I love her personality.
