the 1st of january.

[fallendream]

on the 1st of january 2009 an amazing feat happened, i released a post on the internet explaining everything then coming out, i sent this to all my friends and it helped alot. and to celebrate my coming out i plan on creating a poem and/or essay against homophobia to have read in assembly at school, would you guys like a copy posted on here?

Yeh sure. I'm sure it will move people on here as much as it will at the assembly!

[Black Cat]

Certainly! I'd love to read it. Best of luck with it!

[fallendream]

my second draft, my first was way worse. please be honest with your critiques and dont mind my feelings.

struggles, a short essay by fallendream.

look at me.
please.
just tell me.
one thing.
why?
why did it have to be me.

why the hell couldnt it have been someone else you yelled at from across the room?
let me fill you in on the story; and tell you how many nights ive been sat there with a knife, or with a bottle of pills

asking myself why it had to be me you hated and not him.

and then i remembered. you found out i was gay, and suddenly found a need to follow me round school saying your friends come out the closet and 'wants to shag me' well let me tell you, it aint fun.
i remembered the time you told me i should go die because im gay.
but in a way im lucky, when i grow up ill atleast have something to tell a therapist, if i dont jump.

before you think 'oh god, he cant hack it, what a wuss, what a pussy, what a GAY' let me tell you, i can hack it, i can tell you how everything is gay just as much as you.
but i cant, neigh i wont, live day-in day-out with you chasing me down; going out of your way to hurt me.
sometimes i like to think its because your ignorant. but thats no exscuse. just like me being informed shouldnt be an excuse as to why im this way.

now let me tell you;
one year ago on the 1st of january i told someone who i was, what it meant to be me.
i wanted to write a speach to inform people, let them know they're not alone.
but i couldn't knowing full well you're in the audience laughing at my pathetic support to the silent victim.
so know youve read this feel free to feel bad, feel free to cry.
it wont fix me, im already too far punished for your ignorance.
but maybe if i share just an ounce of my pain youll realise, and stop.
maybe you will, just for one day so i can be normal, i can feel normal and i can live life away from the spotlight and your piercing gaze of hatred.

yours, suffering gay victim number eleven million, two hundred thousand and seven

Wow parts of that a rather powerful! Nice work in progress!

[Black Cat]

I like it. My only complaints are spelling and punctuation related, but since it's a speech it isn't crucial. Nice job.

one year ago on the 1st of january i told someone who i was, what it meant to be me.
i wanted to write a speach to inform people, let them know they're not alone.
but i couldn't knowing full well you're in the audience laughing at my pathetic support to the silent victim.

^That's my absolute favorite part. It's so powerful and moving.

[Phantasma]

That's very dark/heavy subject matter for a public school assembly. I realize that the topic isn't exactly rainbows and kittens to begin with, but I found that parts of it read as very severe. Are you sure that a general assembly will be the best time to present this?

".. and tell you how many nights ive been sat there with a knife, or with a bottle of pills"
".. atleast have something to tell a therapist, if i dont jump."

I think there could be a subtler way to get this message across. You don't want language choice to cloud the meaning you are trying to convey.

[fallendream]

Originally Posted by Phantasma

I think there could be a subtler way

i felt that subtlety would be lost and shocking the audience would have a greater effect, ill make a subtle equivalent tomorow and we'll see which is better

[fallendream]

is the bottom number too high? im not to sure about that bit

[fallendream]

Originally Posted by Phantasma

That's very dark/heavy subject matter for a public school assembly. I realize that the topic isn't exactly rainbows and kittens to begin with, but I found that parts of it read as very severe. Are you sure that a general assembly will be the best time to present this?

".. and tell you how many nights ive been sat there with a knife, or with a bottle of pills"
".. atleast have something to tell a therapist, if i dont jump."

I think there could be a subtler way to get this message across. You don't want language choice to cloud the meaning you are trying to convey.

i cant think of a way to make it subtler, any ideas?

Originally Posted by fallendream

a

i cant think of a way to make it subtler, any ideas?

There are other ways of showing people that you are gay and how their homophobia has hurt you. It would be alot less tense if you were to show that you went through struggles but broke through to the other side, stronger for the shit people put you through. A story of perseverance is far more likely to swell the hearts of your classmates than bemoaning your existence and calling yourself a victim. Show some Gay Pride man!

It reads like a prepubescent angst poem. And quite frankly, I think it needs a full rewrite.

[AtomicCafe]

Originally Posted by Numfarh

There are other ways of showing people that you are gay and how their homophobia has hurt you. It would be alot less tense if you were to show that you went through struggles but broke through to the other side, stronger for the shit people put you through. A story of perseverance is far more likely to swell the hearts of your classmates than bemoaning your existence and calling yourself a victim. Show some Gay Pride man!

It reads like a prepubescent angst poem. And quite frankly, I think it needs a full rewrite.

Agreed. I think you succeeded in showing emotion with your original speech, but I don't think it works at all for what you want to do. Very little would change in this world if every gay person sat around, crying because of their tormented existence.

[fallendream]

Originally Posted by Numfarh

A story of perseverance is far more likely to swell the hearts of your classmates than bemoaning your existence and calling yourself a victim. Show some Gay Pride man!
I think it needs a full rewrite.

struggles, a short essay by fallendream.

so how are today?
enjoying yourself?
i sure am.
because of you.

you see, this morning when i turned up at school and you swore at me like you do the other mornings i smiled for once,
i didnt cry or walk away like i used to.
but i coulda.

when you threw your stuff and spat at me i didnt cry then either,
but i coulda.

but because i didnt cry doesnnt mean im not hurting inside and with every insult, with every time you just happen to find something particularly gay. i hurt inside.
but thats ok.
for your misdeeds and insults i forgive you, because at the end of the day it made it all clear.

that being me was wrong, that being gay doesn't mean being happy.
but then you helped me, you see, im a stubborn git of a boy and i mght be hurting. but i still want you to bring it.
and at the end of the day when your in bed tucked in all warm and cosy - ill still be me, gay and everything.
so being me is wrong by your standards - i dont care, ill MAKE it right.
and when im done making it right youll see.
youll all see.


yours, suffering gay victim number eleven million, two hundred thousand and seven

thats, what i hope to be, a better version.

feedback is welcome.

[Phantasma]

Originally Posted by Numfarh

It reads like a prepubescent angst poem. And quite frankly, I think it needs a full rewrite.

This is what I was trying to say, fallendream. I think it loses it's effectiveness because it all seems very angsty and dramatized. This whole thing of "my life is/was so horrible, I almost killed myself so many times I even had the bottle in my hand, you're lucky i'm still here but only for now because who knows I might still jump off a bridge yet one of these days, my life is so hard" thing I think totally overshadows the point you are trying to make. It may:

a) turn people off your message
b) make the people who mock you, want to mock you more (because of the whole woe-is-me, tell me how bad my life is, thing. we all have it tough in one way or another)

I think if you mentioned that homophobic actions can make some people feel so bad they want to kill themselves, but then spent the rest of the speech being more inspirational and more "you're not alone, you can get through, we need to respect people regardless of their sexuality" it would work better as a whole. I think it could be written with a more mature voice and be much more effective.

EDIT: Your rewrite is definitely much better. The original read like a plea for attention in my opinion.

[Idunnohereitis]

yeaaa for sure. It might help ppl on here, i know id like to read it. Lemme know how your friends reacted, were the majority of them supportive? hope so. Good luck

[fallendream]

a small note added to the end of 'youll all see';

and even if i fail, and you still think im wrong, then just for one god damn minute consider who your hurting.
its not always me you hurt when you spit at me, for all you know your best friend could be gay and hating you for this.
and lastly to the forgotten, closeted best friend; im truly sorry for him, but if you search hard enough youll find a safe place. away from the havok your dearest caused.and maybe, if were all lucky, hell see your no different from he.

now spend your life hated as you are, rather than loved for who your not. (quote inspired by kurt cobain)

yours, suffering gay victim number eleven million, two hundred thousand and seven

I hate to be such a downer, but as someone who does their fair share of public speaking, it isn't quite up to snuff. Some bits of it still don't make any sense. The line where you say you 'don't care' and that you'll 'make it right' are baffling. Not to mention the 'you'll all see' part is just creepy in a 'I'll kill you all' kind of way.

And prose is so not appropriate for public speaking. It comes off as silly, especially when you haven't had the experience to write it properly. The use of the word 'dearest' is truly chuckle-worthy; no one calls their friends 'dearest' unless they just jumped out of Victorian age England.

And you really should type it up with proper grammar/spelling. I am heavily biased towards things that look nice and no amount of strategic paragraph placement will take away from that. You want to be seen as a professional when you speak. You need to command the attention of the room. Part of that is presenting yourself (even things people won't see) with confidence and precision.

I would also suggest you read it out loud to yourself. Better yet, if you could film yourself, you will get an idea of how it will sound to others. You can work out the melody of the piece. Writing a speech takes time, rehearsal and constant revision, don't expect to have it done until the day you plan to speak.

And finally, you need to speak to the audience and not at them. The piece, even after your rewrite, feels like an attack on certain people in your school who have made your life hell. When people are attacked, they go on the defensive.

You have a lot of work to do yet, but your heart is in the right place.

[UserName]

I like the emo version better it probably isn't school material, but at least in that version you showed your true emotions on the subject at hand

[Phantasma]

Originally Posted by UserName

I like the emo version better it probably isn't school material, but at least in that version you showed your true emotions on the subject at hand

The fact that you consider it the 'emo version' is the problem itself. No one is going to listen if it comes off as complaining and whining.

[UserName]

I know haha - I'm not saying he should use it, only comparing the two drafts he wrote and stating my opinion. But yea I agree, especially for a high school, people will not want to listen to a gay poem, especially a gay poem that is pessimistic and requires a sympathetic ear.