Second adolescence for gay people? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Mugwump · 17th Jan 2010, 11:55 PM

I was at a discussion group recently, and the concept of having a 'second' adolescence came up. I found this interesting, because I can really identify. I am 23, and I feel that while i went through puberty at the normal age, I am only just hitting adolescence now. By that, I mean that I feel like a mad teenager, running around and getting crushes on people, getting excited about girls all the time etc. I never went through that really with boys when I was younger, so now at 23 I feel like I have finally hit adolescence and it's brilliant! If not slightly frustrating... What are people's thoughts? Can you relate?

ThePug · 18th Jan 2010, 12:07 AM

I'm going through something similar right now. I'm in my first real relationship with another guy. I've never had a crush more than just physical attraction. Most people that I know went through that as a teenager. I felt left out. It's a nice feeling and - just like a young teen, I feel so confused and just want to find the right answers.

BrownBoi89 · 18th Jan 2010, 12:23 AM

Yeah I kinda feel like that kind of is happening to me. It's only over the past year and a half that I've started actually having crushes on guys and I had my first sexual encounter at 19, which is later than most straight people I think. I've yet to be in a relationship, which again is kind of unusual at 20. So yeah this whole second adolescence thing makes sense to me. I think it will hold more true for me though when I'm completely out and ready to pursue guys

donnie5 · 18th Jan 2010, 02:32 AM

I too was like that after I came out. It's normal you never got to develop through your sexual feelings in high school like everyone else.

**Chip** · 18th Jan 2010, 02:54 AM

I've seen this a lot, as others have said. If you think about it, straight people have the experience of developing and experiencing and experimenting with their sexual feelings as the go through adolescence and so they have the opportunity to learn and experience all these things that gay and lesbian youth who are closeted don't get to do. So it's not uncommon to have a sort of "second adolescence" after coming out. I know a lot of guys who go through a sort of "slutty" phase, and an acting out period. Some seem to avoid it, but I think it's fairly common.

GoBabyGoGo · 18th Jan 2010, 03:11 AM

maybe not a 'second' adolescence... a 'delayed' adolescence. i havent reached my 'adolescence' yet if you want to define it by getting into first relationships etc.

**Filip** · 18th Jan 2010, 06:14 AM

In a way, I feel like this right now, actually. When I was in my teens, I didn't allow myself to look too much at boys, let alone act on my feelings for them. I was enormously afraid of ruining my chances of turning straight again if I ever allowed myself to be gay (yeah,

)
At the same time, I didn't want to start anything with girls before I was completely turned straight.

As a result, I didn't do anything at all, and apart from school or occasionally hanging out with friends, I didn't really try any of the flirting or first relationships that my friends were getting into. I didn't even have feelings in the way I have them now. It was all way more muted back then, because I didn't really allow myself to feel most anything.

It does suck that I have to be doing this right now, while my friends are already married, talking about building a house or getting kids, while I'm not even at the point of dating.

In the end, I don't feel too bad about it, though. In many ways, I know myself better than I did when I was 15, so I can do the whole crushing and experimenting with flirting in a way more controlled manner than I would have if I tried it when I was younger.

Katherine · 18th Jan 2010, 07:00 AM

I absolutely, completely am going through this right now. I feel like a 12-13 year old again. When I was that age all my friends were going through their first relationships and getting their first crushes, but I couldn't understand why it wasn't happening to me. I felt like there was something wrong with me.

Once I discovered I was gay, though, it all suddenly felt right. I started getting crushes on tons of girls, wanting to be with them, experimenting with everything. This HAS to be what it feels like to be going through adolescence for the first time. I'm just a few years late.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Filip

In the end, I don't feel too bad about it, though. In many ways, I know myself better than I did when I was 15, so I can do the whole crushing and experimenting with flirting in a way more controlled manner than I would have if I tried it when I was younger.

Also, this.

riddlerno1 · 18th Jan 2010, 07:04 AM

I completely feel this way. Having come out 18 months ago, its like im learning the ways and meanings of whta all these strange feelings are that most people experience at 14 but im getting them now at 27!! While most of my friends have gone through this and been used to it for years its a whole new ball game to me!

Zume · 18th Jan 2010, 07:23 AM

Yeah, I feel the same way..My friend has been in multiple relationships and I havent been in one. The nice part about it though is that unlike young teens, its not all impulsive. I can actually recognise whats happening instead of going after someone like a wild animal..lol

Its still exciting though..now I can talk about it instead of keeping it to myself ^_^

littledinosaurs · 18th Jan 2010, 08:08 AM

This happens quite a lot, especially if you were in denial about your seuxality. On the same token people who do their parents' dreams instead of figuring out their own dreams(or anyone who denies a part of themselves or just doesn't explore their identity during normal adolescence) often have a second adolescence, which sometimes is a mid-life crisis. (woah, using things I learned in University, what is this!?)

Ander Blue · 18th Jan 2010, 09:44 AM

I certainly feel that I'm going through an adolescent period right now. Huge crushes, little to none emotional backbone, I'm noticing cute guys everywhere I go, and I'm all high-school-girly about even the thought of gay relationships.

I have yet to date, but I'm not sure if I'm even ready for it. Either way, I'm throwing myself into the gay community once I get back to school, and I guess I'll just go from there.

RaeofLite · 18th Jan 2010, 09:53 AM

Haha, I was just thinking about this the other day.

And while I had girl crushes and crushes on teachers in highschool I didn't think it was abnormal or gay. I thought other girls "must feel the same way" and that I'd find a guy I was attracted to when I was older. And... now I'm going through puberty seeing pretty women everywhere...

I still get gittery when asking a lady out, feel the dating gitters, butterflies etc.

GhostDog · 18th Jan 2010, 10:13 AM

Oh good lord, yes. I used to scoff at my friends, who'd have posters of hot guys all over their room, talk about all the hot guys at school or in movies, and who'd listen to bands and talk about how hot they were. It just seemed so pointless to me, for some mysterious reason.

Now I do the exact same things. With the ladies. I've got posters of P!nk and Amanda Palmer all over my room, I love that I have friends with whom I can talk about how hot X actress is in some movie, and, while I don't necessarily listen to bands just because they have hot girls in them, I do end up a lot more enthusiastic about them if they do. >.>

Oh god, I have so many crushes on classmates. All very straight classmates, alas, but dang. It's like I can't walk around on campus without at least one girl turning my head. I have turned into a giant horndog, basically.

And, uh, I still won't go into a particular store on campus because I once bumped into a girl I had a huge, knees-turn-to-jello crush on (and had no idea how to handle because I didn't know wtf was going on, so I think I ended up creeping her out). Even though it's been three years. If that doesn't say adolescence, I don't know what does. =P

diegon3 · 18th Jan 2010, 10:49 AM

I can see and agree with having crushes on people like that does seem very teenager-like but in some situations it is because some people become mature much faster such as myself at an extremely early age and have to understand such things that when were older we let those feelings out to experience what we might have missed

mattypants · 18th Jan 2010, 10:54 AM

+1 from me for going through this 2nd/delayed adolescent period

especially the 'noticing guys everywhere' bit

Zumbro · 18th Jan 2010, 04:12 PM

Agreed. Now that I don't care who notices me looking at guys and crushing on them, I let myself.

s5m1 · 19th Jan 2010, 07:59 AM

Oh yes! I definitely went through it, even coming out when over 40. Most gay men I know have gone through it. It was a lot of fun and helped me as I was figuring out who I was.

**EM68** · 19th Jan 2010, 08:25 AM

I did also! When I was in high school and college I never fell in love or crushing on anyone. Wonder why?

Once I came out to myself and felt comfortable dating and being myself I have fallen in and out then in again in love. I do feel young again.

Uruz · 20th Jan 2010, 03:38 PM

Oh, for sure. As soon as I had told one other person about my possibly being sexually attracted to other women, it was like I was hit by a truck full of pheromones. I saw hot ladies EVERYWHERE. That was a few years ago. I tiptoed back into the closet.

Now that I feel really out, that truck full of pheromones became a cargo plane that nosedived right onto my head. I catch myself acting like my dad, flirting with the checkout girl at the bakery. My friend took me to a strip club and I spilled beer all over myself while the dancers laughed at me (there were boobs everywhere!) I feel like a spring buck ready to rut with the nearest tree if no females come my way.

Ridiculous.

17th Jan 2010, 11:55 PM	#1
Mugwump Well Known Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Gay Out Status: Everyone =D Location: Australia Age: 25 Posts: 243 Join Date: Mar 2009	Second adolescence for gay people? I was at a discussion group recently, and the concept of having a 'second' adolescence came up. I found this interesting, because I can really identify. I am 23, and I feel that while i went through puberty at the normal age, I am only just hitting adolescence now. By that, I mean that I feel like a mad teenager, running around and getting crushes on people, getting excited about girls all the time etc. I never went through that really with boys when I was younger, so now at 23 I feel like I have finally hit adolescence and it's brilliant! If not slightly frustrating... What are people's thoughts? Can you relate?

18th Jan 2010, 12:07 AM	#2
ThePug Member Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Sioux City, Iowa Posts: 93 Join Date: Jan 2010	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I'm going through something similar right now. I'm in my first real relationship with another guy. I've never had a crush more than just physical attraction. Most people that I know went through that as a teenager. I felt left out. It's a nice feeling and - just like a young teen, I feel so confused and just want to find the right answers.

18th Jan 2010, 12:23 AM	#3
BrownBoi89 Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Everyone knows except my extended family Location: Vancouver Age: 22 Posts: 101 Join Date: Oct 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Yeah I kinda feel like that kind of is happening to me. It's only over the past year and a half that I've started actually having crushes on guys and I had my first sexual encounter at 19, which is later than most straight people I think. I've yet to be in a relationship, which again is kind of unusual at 20. So yeah this whole second adolescence thing makes sense to me. I think it will hold more true for me though when I'm completely out and ready to pursue guys

18th Jan 2010, 02:32 AM	#4
donnie5 A Backwards Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: omaha, ne Age: 27 Posts: 409 Join Date:** May 2007	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I too was like that after I came out. It's normal you never got to develop through your sexual feelings in high school like everyone else. __________________ the world moves in mysterious ways but i decided a long time ago that i was going to follow my own path

18th Jan 2010, 02:54 AM	#5
Chip EC Advisor EC Admin Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northern CA Posts: 5,576 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I've seen this a lot, as others have said. If you think about it, straight people have the experience of developing and experiencing and experimenting with their sexual feelings as the go through adolescence and so they have the opportunity to learn and experience all these things that gay and lesbian youth who are closeted don't get to do. So it's not uncommon to have a sort of "second adolescence" after coming out. I know a lot of guys who go through a sort of "slutty" phase, and an acting out period. Some seem to avoid it, but I think it's fairly common.

18th Jan 2010, 03:11 AM	#6
GoBabyGoGo Music Nerd. Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: 99% Location: Sydney, Australia Age: 20 Posts: 433 Join Date: May 2007	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? maybe not a 'second' adolescence... a 'delayed' adolescence. i havent reached my 'adolescence' yet if you want to define it by getting into first relationships etc. __________________ "If I were you, I'd have sex with me!"

18th Jan 2010, 06:14 AM	#7
Filip Cecile's sidekick EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: All but extended family Location: Belgium, EU Age: 28 Posts: 3,366 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? In a way, I feel like this right now, actually. When I was in my teens, I didn't allow myself to look too much at boys, let alone act on my feelings for them. I was enormously afraid of ruining my chances of turning straight again if I ever allowed myself to be gay (yeah, ) At the same time, I didn't want to start anything with girls before I was completely turned straight. As a result, I didn't do anything at all, and apart from school or occasionally hanging out with friends, I didn't really try any of the flirting or first relationships that my friends were getting into. I didn't even have feelings in the way I have them now. It was all way more muted back then, because I didn't really allow myself to feel most anything. It does suck that I have to be doing this right now, while my friends are already married, talking about building a house or getting kids, while I'm not even at the point of dating. In the end, I don't feel too bad about it, though. In many ways, I know myself better than I did when I was 15, so I can do the whole crushing and experimenting with flirting in a way more controlled manner than I would have if I tried it when I was younger. __________________ To the world, you're somebody, but to somebody, you're the world...

18th Jan 2010, 07:04 AM	#9
riddlerno1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: All but family Location: London Age: 29 Posts: 712 Join Date: Aug 2008	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I completely feel this way. Having come out 18 months ago, its like im learning the ways and meanings of whta all these strange feelings are that most people experience at 14 but im getting them now at 27!! While most of my friends have gone through this and been used to it for years its a whole new ball game to me! __________________ Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

18th Jan 2010, 07:23 AM	#10
Zume Furry Full Member Gender: Transgender - MtF Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: A few people Location: Oakbank, Manitoba Age: 23 Posts: 962 Join Date: Dec 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Yeah, I feel the same way..My friend has been in multiple relationships and I havent been in one. The nice part about it though is that unlike young teens, its not all impulsive. I can actually recognise whats happening instead of going after someone like a wild animal..lol Its still exciting though..now I can talk about it instead of keeping it to myself ^_^ __________________ "Don't like sugar? I reject your title of gamer." ~ Zume Frostpaw

18th Jan 2010, 08:08 AM	#11
littledinosaurs J'essaie de Parler Français! :] Full Member Gender: Garçon Orientation: Bisexuel Location: Nouvelle-Angleterre. Age: 21 Posts: 2,351 Join Date: Sep 2008	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? This happens quite a lot, especially if you were in denial about your seuxality. On the same token people who do their parents' dreams instead of figuring out their own dreams(or anyone who denies a part of themselves or just doesn't explore their identity during normal adolescence) often have a second adolescence, which sometimes is a mid-life crisis. (woah, using things I learned in University, what is this!?) __________________ Âllo Là Last edited by littledinosaurs; 18th Jan 2010 at 08:13 AM..

18th Jan 2010, 09:44 AM	#12
Ander Blue feeling comfy Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Copenhagen, Denmark (normally Troy, New York) Age: 22 Posts: 428 Join Date: Nov 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I certainly feel that I'm going through an adolescent period right now. Huge crushes, little to none emotional backbone, I'm noticing cute guys everywhere I go, and I'm all high-school-girly about even the thought of gay relationships. I have yet to date, but I'm not sure if I'm even ready for it. Either way, I'm throwing myself into the gay community once I get back to school, and I guess I'll just go from there. __________________ Re-examine all you have been told.... Dismiss what insults your soul. ~ Walt Whitman

18th Jan 2010, 09:53 AM	#13
RaeofLite I've got the moves like Jagger Full Member Gender: ♀ Orientation: Sapphicly inclined Out Status: My closet is for clothes! Location: BC, Canada Age: 23 Posts: 3,111 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Haha, I was just thinking about this the other day. And while I had girl crushes and crushes on teachers in highschool I didn't think it was abnormal or gay. I thought other girls "must feel the same way" and that I'd find a guy I was attracted to when I was older. And... now I'm going through puberty seeing pretty women everywhere... I still get gittery when asking a lady out, feel the dating gitters, butterflies etc. __________________ People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Bonnie Jean Wasmund (and the lesbians)

18th Jan 2010, 10:13 AM	#14
GhostDog is Spartacus. Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: MAGICAL. Out Status: The hiiills are aliiive with the sound of muuusic! Location: DFW area, Texas Age: 24 Posts: 2,503 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Oh good lord, yes. I used to scoff at my friends, who'd have posters of hot guys all over their room, talk about all the hot guys at school or in movies, and who'd listen to bands and talk about how hot they were. It just seemed so pointless to me, for some mysterious reason. Now I do the exact same things. With the ladies. I've got posters of P!nk and Amanda Palmer all over my room, I love that I have friends with whom I can talk about how hot X actress is in some movie, and, while I don't necessarily listen to bands just because they have hot girls in them, I do end up a lot more enthusiastic about them if they do. >.> Oh god, I have so many crushes on classmates. All very straight classmates, alas, but dang. It's like I can't walk around on campus without at least one girl turning my head. I have turned into a giant horndog, basically. And, uh, I still won't go into a particular store on campus because I once bumped into a girl I had a huge, knees-turn-to-jello crush on (and had no idea how to handle because I didn't know wtf was going on, so I think I ended up creeping her out). Even though it's been three years. If that doesn't say adolescence, I don't know what does. =P __________________ <3 Kirah, who may or may not be made of delicious candy (and the lesbians)

18th Jan 2010, 10:49 AM	#15
diegon3 just another human or am I? O_o Full Member Gender: thinks (ok so if it's..) yeah i'm a guy Orientation: thinks hummm definatly gay Out Status: imidiate family, and a few others Location: SEATTLE, WA Posts: 171 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I can see and agree with having crushes on people like that does seem very teenager-like but in some situations it is because some people become mature much faster such as myself at an extremely early age and have to understand such things that when were older we let those feelings out to experience what we might have missed

18th Jan 2010, 10:54 AM	#16
mattypants Chacun à son goût Full Member Gender: male/garçon/hombre Orientation: Gay Out Status: Some friends Some family and the lesbians Location: Los angeles, Ca Posts: 2,733 Join Date: Oct 2008	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? +1 from me for going through this 2nd/delayed adolescent period especially the 'noticing guys everywhere' bit __________________

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18th Jan 2010, 04:12 PM	#17
Zumbro EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: 5/6 on the Kinsey scale. Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Troy, NY Age: 22 Posts: 434 Join Date: Jan 2010	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Agreed. Now that I don't care who notices me looking at guys and crushing on them, I let myself. __________________ If you want to love the world again, you can't just sit back and wait for it. You have to go chase it, and it will be entirely worth it when you catch up.

19th Jan 2010, 07:59 AM	#18
s5m1 Gay and Couldn't be Happier! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Maryland Age: 46 Posts: 861 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Oh yes! I definitely went through it, even coming out when over 40. Most gay men I know have gone through it. It was a lot of fun and helped me as I was figuring out who I was.

19th Jan 2010, 08:25 AM	#19
EM68 Happily Married! :) EC Moderator Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out and about. Location: Stoughton, Massachusetts USA Age: 43 Posts: 4,288 Join Date: Jun 2008	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? I did also! When I was in high school and college I never fell in love or crushing on anyone. Wonder why? Once I came out to myself and felt comfortable dating and being myself I have fallen in and out then in again in love. I do feel young again. __________________ I'm beautiful in my way, 'Cause God makes no mistakes I'm on the right track, baby I was Born This Way -Lady Gaga

20th Jan 2010, 03:38 PM	#20
Uruz Member Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Kinsey 4-5 Out Status: Anyone who cares to know Location: Oregon Posts: 17 Join Date: Jan 2010	Re: Second adolescence for gay people? Oh, for sure. As soon as I had told one other person about my possibly being sexually attracted to other women, it was like I was hit by a truck full of pheromones. I saw hot ladies EVERYWHERE. That was a few years ago. I tiptoed back into the closet. Now that I feel really out, that truck full of pheromones became a cargo plane that nosedived right onto my head. I catch myself acting like my dad, flirting with the checkout girl at the bakery. My friend took me to a strip club and I spilled beer all over myself while the dancers laughed at me (there were boobs everywhere!) I feel like a spring buck ready to rut with the nearest tree if no females come my way. Ridiculous. Last edited by Uruz; 20th Jan 2010 at 03:43 PM..