what were you like before you were queer?

i just had a bit of a nostalgic moment in remembering the time before i figured out i was gay.

i remember laying in bed many times thinking stuff like, there's no way i could be gay cause that doesnt happen to people like me. and i liked girls too. i also thought that since i had 2 sisters and still liked girls i must be the most straight guy ever cause i can put up with that and not be girly myself.

and now i would never want to be straight cause guys are too hot. (yeah 6's!) funny how things change

[Zach1992]

I've always been a girly kid. When McDonald's had the boy/girl toys I would always go for the barbie & had a few full sized ones of my own. I never had a period where I was like "I can't be gay." It really just sneaked up on my while I was masturbating one time when I was about 11. Just really quick in my mind the girl/guy dynamic was pretty much switched to a guy/guy thing & I went with it. I could never imagine not being gay now, because as you said, guys are just too hot.

I remember i didn't think it was weird that i liked the part in The terminator where the Terminator showed his butt.

[Taurusguy92]

As I've said b4 I'm still not sure if I truly am or not. But I have a situation similar to Sexual Teen's. When I was watching pron (sorry for the leet but it's not that hard to figure out) when I was younger I realized that I was looking more at the guy than I was the girl. I then tried guy x guy pron and almost never went back.

[JB1986]

I remember thinking when I had a girlfriend in middle school that I was gonna be straight for life now. Yeah, because dancing once with a girl, plus the middle school version of "going out" makes one totally straight.

I think I first started to realize I might be gay when I was on the computer and found some gay porn sites. And Oh. My. God. Yeah, major boner time. It was fantastic! I had always had instances where I was attracted to men, of course. This just made it much more obvious.

[thevre]

I used to be much more masculine before I decided I was gay. More into sports, heavier rock, simple clothing- I wasn't denying myself or forcing myself, it was just who I was. Then I decided I was gay, but worried sick due to all the religious bullshit shoved down my throat. Then I decided I really didn't care anymore, and I guess I naturally became more and more fabulous.

[Shevanel]

Paul, what a great freakin thread <3

Anyway. I only realized I was bi during the Summer after graduation. Before that I basically was straight. The same person I am after I guess. Except now I'm better obviously. I also was slightly homophobic I guess, but I think it was mainly because the majority of gay people I was exposed to were rather detestable, such as the kid who tried feeling me up at lunch, and I was literally like WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?!. Yeah. I also didn't believe in bisexuality for a time =O xD Who would've thought I actually distinctly remember conversing with a lesbian about how Bi's needed to make up their minds. She agreed with me too though, so I didn't exactly have anyone to educate me, until I figured it out for myself that I infact was Bi. seriously, 2 years ago at this time, I would not even believe myself if I went back in time and told myself everything that would happen. That's how straight I was. xD

[x2x2x2x2y2]

I'm pretty much the same person as I was before, although I wanted to date girls. Even now though, I wouldn't mind dating a girl. Maybe now I'm a bit more open and gay acting then I was before I truely realized I was gay.

Before I came out to my mom, I never truely thought of myself as gay. I came out to her at 16 but I've been looking at gay porn since I was 12. I remember the first time i ever watched porn, it was gay porn. Like a year later I watched straight porn and didn't really like it. I've had myspace pages that said I was gay, but with a different identity. But the strange thing was that as soon as I turned off my computer, all my gayness went away. Like I never thought about it. It was almost as if I had an gay online life, but my real life was straight, and the two could never mix. I blocked out my gayness, unless I was on my computer. I always imagined growing up and marrying a girl and having kids because that was the ideal life in my head, and this never bothered me.

Then I joined EC and not even a week later, I came out to my mom. Right after I was so happy. It was the best feeling ever. But then I felt more like "holy crap WTF am I doing?!". It was almost like I was scared that I mixed my gay life with my straight life. I felt almost as if I had made a mistake. With time, i got through that state of mind and now I'm more accepting of my gayness and realize that I only have one life and that it's a gay one but I'm happy with it.

P.s. Sorry for the long boring post. This has been on my mind lately.

[GhostDog]

Before I realized? I was depressed, more often than not. I always had this sense that I wasn't really me; I was someone pretending to be me, and felt like all my friends were just friends with an impostor. I went through a series of "phases", trying to find some piece of me I felt like I was missing (I think the goth phase was the most awkward and embarrassing, oh man. I am sorry, world, for that poetry, truly). I'd get excited about them for a while, but they'd never really sit right. They never filled the hole I knew was there.

I'd fantasize about having really androgynous boyfriends, who... in retrospect, pretty much acted like women. I found the behavior of real boys awfully disappointing. (At least, when I thought about dating them. I loved my guy friends as friends, though. =D)

I also had a crush on a guy in one of my classes. Until he asked me out, then I freaked out, started trying to avoid him, felt really awkward around him, and didn't like him touching me. I liked his personality! But not so much... anything else, haha. >.> SORRY CHRIS.

And, no, I had no idea why. I really had no inkling that I was attracted to women. At some point, I remember wishing I was a lesbian, but feeling like I was much too boring and average to be so interesting as that! And I'd look at, like, pinup calendars of women in bikinis sprawled on cars, and get disappointed that it didn't turn me on. I thought if I didn't respond to what straight men respond to, surely I wasn't gay! And it made me sad. Even though I got crazy jealous of my best friend and another one of our friends pretending to be a lesbian couple to make people stare. And would spend inordinate amounts of time following particular girls around like a puppy because they were "so awesome!". But, no, surely I wasn't gay! Gay was something that happened to interesting people.

Then, yeah. I went to college, developed huge crush on female drawing teacher and went, "... Holy shit, wait a minute." 'Course, I was still confused for a few years after that, convinced it was too good to be true, but once I freakin' accepted it, the whole "feeling like part of myself is missing" thing went away! It's nice.

I do think I was more attracted to dudes at some point than I am now? I distinctly remember thinking one of our drum majors looked nice with his shirt off. But hey, that is sexual fluidity for you, I suppose. =P

[Nodnarb]

During my "I can't be gay phase" I always remember thinking about how much it stressed me out, and I simply felt like I couldn't handle it. I guess I never really doubted it that much...it was more of "Why me? Why do I have to deal with this?".

I don't think I was ever homophobic. Even before I realized I was gay, I would argue for gay marriage and gay rights. Part of it was because of the family I was raised in and my political beliefs, but I knew in the back of my mind it applied to me. I knew I had a crush on a guy and *ahem* enjoyed gay porn, even if I didn't even admit to myself I was gay (How was I so blind?!?) I had a friend come out as bi our freshman year, and I remember that nobody believed him since they didn't think there was such a thing as bisexuality. I was like "WTF? Are you guys serious? If he says he's bi, then he's bi." I also clearly remember him flirting with me, but I was way to far in the closet to recognize it back then.

Originally Posted by x2x2x2x2y2

But the strange thing was that as soon as I turned off my computer, all my gayness went away. Like I never thought about it. It was almost as if I had an gay online life, but my real life was straight, and the two could never mix. I blocked out my gayness, unless I was on my computer. I always imagined growing up and marrying a girl and having kids because that was the ideal life in my head, and this never bothered me.

This is a great description of the way I thought for several years.

[Lexington]

The same. Gawkier, less sure of myself, still trying to fumble my way forward. But pretty much the same. I looked at what little porn I could scrounge up (hey, there, Playboy Channel), and convinced myself that I like the movies more than straight-up peep shows because I enjoyed the storylines, not because the movies actually had guys in them. But other than that, the same.

Lex

[Connor22]

I remember in primary school me and a few other people (guys) were in the toilets and one of them says to everyone "don't watch me peeing that's gay" then on of them turns to me and says "do you even know what gay is?" me trying to be brave said "yeah of course I do" then one of them replied "what is it then" so I replied "that's where you like girls" :P

[x2x2x2x2y2]

^lmfao

[malachite]

Kind of an odd answer:

I was a mousy kid, I let people treat me like crap. But, I don't think my coming out what made me man up and stop taking people's crap. I think it was just tired of feeling like shit all the time.

I'm the same since my coming out, most of friends even say: "You don't act any different now that you're out."

[SaturdaySaviour]

Before coming out to myself I was homophobic and slightly racist, because of the way I was raised. I also had a hard time having an intimate friend, because I felt like I had to hide a part of myself. I had no visions on myself in the future.

I'm glad to be queer, it changed me. I'm more open minded, less judging and generally more understanding. I finally know how I want my life to be and I have a wide circle of great friends.

[ok455]

I was kinda the same i tried to be christian and read the bible was into church. I was Homophobic hated gays and made fun of them. Everything my room and everything was clean and organized i miss that part about the old me. I was into girls 100 percent fantasized about them tried to date them etc it failed .

And in 6th grade this guy caught my attention he wore on a wife beater and had a nice tan and arms after a long horrible summer of fighting this gay feeling crying etc. When i return to school 7th grade the next year a friend of mines made a move on me and we started doing sexual stuff and i was still denying it after a while and when i got into game shows my life changed for the better i accepted being gay and liking guys. and that was pretty much it

[dromadus]

My 5th grade teacher gave us an assignment to stand up and tell who'd we like to be if we could be anybody else. Most people named scientists, statesmen, sports figures etc. I stood up and said (and remember, this was about 1959) "I'd like to be Ricky Nelson cause he gets the girls and I like girls better than anything" I did not get a good grade on the assignment. The next year at age 12, I asked a girl to go steady (after properly asking her mother first) and dated for the next several months. I bought her some candy and took her to the movies (where I ate the candy). It wasn't long before she gave me the ring back.

The following summer I had my first ejaculation staying overnight with my best friend Robbie. What a surprise that was (to him too).

[Rikudo]

Well to be honest the whole process for me took 3 long yrs of acceptance. At first I got really depressed thinking "I'm a freak, I'm gonna burn in hell" this was my 7th grade year. Then 8th grade year we had a new kid move who came out immediately as bi and I saw that he was somewhat accepted so that cheered me up but however that year I didn't really have a lot of time to question my sexuality. Finally sometime during the summer of my freshmen going into sophomore year I said "Okay I'm Bi and I have no problem with it". Since then I'm a much happier person and my self confidence is great. Only thing I wish was that I had found this site at that time it would have definitely helped me out.

[Strawberry]

I figured out I was gay really early. I was like, ten. Before that, I didn't believe gay people actually existed... I remember talking to one and treating her like crap, not knowing any better. I wish I could find her now and apologize and tell her I ended up gay too! But in fifth grade all the other girls started drooling over boys, and I felt soooo left out.

The moment in which I could finally define it was when I was watching TV a few months before turning eleven. I don't remember what I was watching, or who the girl was, but I basically went, "Oh my god, this is why I don't like boys!" And that was that.

I was drastically different than I am now, but not really in the ways you'd think. Around that time, I was pretty much your average pre-teen mall-goth. :p I'm so embarrassed to admit it! Some things were the same, though... I remember freaking out all over this one kid for calling something "gay", officially earning me my Defender of the Homos reputation. Haha!

I was also very boyish when I was younger. You wouldn't believe it if you saw me now, though; I have become exponentially more feminine in the past three or four years. I'm not sure if being a tomboy when I was little has anything to do with me turning out to be gay.

Really, I can't remember a time in which I wasn't gay. There was a time I didn't realize it, though. But when I look back, I can see it. My best friend as a little kid was a boy, and whenever he said we should get married when we grew up, I'd get extremely uncomfortable. Then, when I was eight, I was absolutely ridiculously obsessed with Avril Lavigne. Hahaha! She just released her first CD or whatever, and I had this massive crush on her. Of course, that's not what I called it back then, but that's what it was. I was also obsessed with the girl who plays Hermione off of Harry Potter.

[Chandra]

In high school drama class, I was picked by my classmates to play the androgynous (read: lesbian) character in an Agatha Christie play. For my costume I used clothes that were already in my wardrobe. Somehow this failed to clue me in.

These days I'm trying to figure out how it is that I used to be genuinely attracted to (and even in love with, in one case) men, and now that I've accepted my not-straightness, I have barely an iota of interest in the male physique. Is it just because this acceptance is a relatively novel thing for me, and my brain is going all girl-crazy? I don't entirely dismiss the possibility that I could date a man again in the future, it just doesn't seem very appealing to me anymore.