'No Homo'

[EM68]

I've heard the phrase 'No Homo' in some rap songs and I don't know if its a homophobic remark. I really started to wonder because one of my friends on Facebook, a coworker, who ironically I am thinking of coming out to, has that phrase on his status. He is younger in his mid 20's and is into rap. We are pretty good friends at work and talk about things outside of work. If either one of us is in a pinch we help each other. Another ironic element was that I helped train him. One day I had a gay couple as customers. I had to go out to the lot to get a car and he came with me and asked if they are gay. I got the feeling he never saw a gay couple before. I said yes and gay people buy cars also and we treat them like any other couple then we proceeded as normal.

Should I forget about coming out to him or not? Thanks

[Zumbro]

I would say it's 100% up to you. If you're worried about how he'll react, and don't really care if he knows, why tell him. You know more than I do about him, but he seems more a victim of culture to me, rather than homophobic.

If you do want to tell him, don't make a big deal out of it. My suggestion would just be to say to him "Hey, you remember that gay couple that was looking at cars, right? You seemed a bit uncomfortable about them, which I found odd considering how long I've known you. You do know I'm gay, right?" Make it seem like something that you haven't been hiding, and just a fact of life. Of course, offer to talk with him or answer any questions he has too.

[UserName]

"No Homo" isn't necessarily a homophobic remark -it's usually a remark followed by something that can be alluded to being gay. For example, lol, "No homo' I got money out the anus" - I don't think it necessarily has a homophobic connotation, more so a clarifying statement. However, I don't think I've ever seen anyone's facebook status "No Homo" - unless it was to make a point about something...is that all it said? I don't know I'd find that a rather odd status to just simply say "No Homo".

Well, I'd suggest coming out to him in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable rather than yourself. Not meaning you should make him feel uncomfortable by like hitting on him, but, in such a instance where a derogatory comment is being made about homosexuals, to yourself. I personally like to out myself right then and there, and respond to there comment with something along the lines of "Oh that's weird..I'm gay, I don't think there's anything wrong with [insert problematic homosexual comment here]." Thus, they usually just retract there statement and feel awkward about whatever they said and realize that gay people aren't exactly defined by stereotypes. At least in my experience, but I've only had the pleasure of doing that maybe like three or four times - each time has been equally as rewarding.

What it comes down to though is your personal situation and rather or not you think that its worth it for you to come out to him. If you feel comfortable enough to come out to him, then go for it - but if not, then don't do it.

[Sylver]

OK, How... how.. HOW can "No Homo" not be a homophobic remark? What does the "homo" part mean then - no homogenized milk?? Let me put it this way - would you say the same thing if the phrase was "No Black" or "No Jew"? I rank this with the whole "That's so gay" discussion, it is wrong because it is based on a ngative connotation being associated with the word, which ties that connotation to the original "owners" of that word. What does "no homo" mean"? It means "I'm not a homo". Is there something wrong with saying "straight" or "hetero" or something else as a status? So if someone asks what my ethnicity is, can I respond "Well I'm no Jew"? It's time to get beyond slurs like this, and I don't care what the intent of the speaker is.

And if it were me, before I came out to him I would ask him what his status means. Let him muddle his way through explaining it to you. If you're satsified with his explanation and he shows nothing more than ignorance behind his use of the phrase, you can then proceed to making a decision about coming out. But even then, the decision as to whether or not to come out to him should involve more than just his Facebook status...

[EM68]

Originally Posted by JamesENL

OK, How... how.. HOW can "No Homo" not be a homophobic remark? What does the "homo" part mean then - no homogenized milk?? Let me put it this way - would you say the same thing if the phrase was "No Black" or "No Jew"? I rank this with the whole "That's so gay" discussion, it is wrong because it is based on a ngative connotation being associated with the word, which ties that connotation to the original "owners" of that word. What does "no homo" mean"? It means "I'm not a homo". Is there something wrong with saying "straight" or "hetero" or something else as a status? So if someone asks what my ethnicity is, can I respond "Well I'm no Jew"? It's time to get beyond slurs like this, and I don't care what the intent of the speaker is.

And if it were me, before I came out to him I would ask him what his status means. Let him muddle his way through explaining it to you. If you're satsified with his explanation and he shows nothing more than ignorance behind his use of the phrase, you can then proceed to making a decision about coming out. But even then, the decision as to whether or not to come out to him should involve more than just his Facebook status...

His status was not just 'No Homo' it was part of a longer phrase. I just need to mull it over a little longer.

[Black Cat]

I hate that phrase. I couldn't care less if it is intended as a homophobic remark or not, but it's just so juvenile for a grown-ass man to be saying it. But that's just my opinion.

Personally I wouldn't give up on coming out to him. If you still want to tell him then don't let his posting of something like that stop you. I find people use statements like that just because it is culturally engrained into them - that doesn't mean he has anything against LGBT people.

[RaeofLite]

I agree with Blackcat. And sometimes that's hard for people to wrap their minds around that people are different than them and they don't understand why people would 'want' to be that way. Even though we know it's not a choice. I remember coming out to some of my classmates. One guy I work with on a few projects each semester asked why I'd choose to date a girl and if it was a phase of mine etc or not. I told him the truth, that it wasn't a phase and that "I just knew" as clear as he knew that he was attracted to women.

I think it was a lack of education that pushes some people to just following the crowd, till they meet a gay/bi/queer/trans person. And once they meet a decent LGBT person then they confront their previous ideals and understanding and modify it. (From what I've seen mostly).

[Nodnarb]

I haven't heard it used too often, but when I have I wouldn't say it's homophobic. The context I'm used to hearing it in is like when a straight guy says to another straight guy "I love you" and then jokingly adds "no homo", meaning "I love you, but not in a 'gay way'", or when two guys hug or do/say anything else that could be perceived as "gay" they'll say "no homo" as if they're trying to make sure everybody knows they're not gay. I guess it may be unnecessary, I've never felt it was homophobic or been at all offended by it.

That said, there might be other ways in which it is used that could give it a different meaning/intention. You mentioned hearing it in rap songs, and I don't listen to rap at all so I would have no idea there.

I'm curious as to what the rest of his status was about because the context is everything in trying to figure out what he was saying. But basing it off just that one comment, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

[VanceA]

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[UserName]

Settle down, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I am sorry you are easily offended...but I don't necessarily see it as a homophobic remark. If there was something that sounded "no hetro" and it was a part of a popular homosexual genre of music, I don't think the heterosexual people would take offense to it. If I am singing a Lil Wayne song and the words "no homo" are cited...chances are, those words will probably come out of my mouth - yet I don't attack myself as being homophobic. It's just lyrics in a song...yes, those words are probably not positive in any shape or form of the homosexual community - but it doesn't necessarily need to be taken as an insult to/for/against the gay community. Personally, I think that it is about as moronic to claim that gay satire is derogatory against the GLBT community - which, I hope, you don't think The Onion is...

[Sylver]

Originally Posted by Black Cat

I hate that phrase. I couldn't care less if it is intended as a homophobic remark or not, but it's just so juvenile for a grown-ass man to be saying it. But that's just my opinion.

I am so going to use this in the future...

[EM68]

Originally Posted by VanceA

I think I got the point. Thanks Vance!

[Chandra]

It may not be homophobic in the sense of being a slur against gays, but it is still problematic, in the same way that I find it problematic when people say they don't have anything against gay people but then hasten to add, "I'm completely straight, though". People who say these kinds of things are reinforcing the idea that it's necessary to distance yourself from potentially being mistaken for a gay person - the underlying assumption being that there's something wrong with being gay.

If someone said "I like rap music. But don't get me wrong - I'm not black or anything. No Afro", would you consider that derogatory? Of course you would. How is this any different?

[4 seat]

Hahaha, "No homo" isn't a homophobic phrase. It just means, "hey, I'm gonna do something that could be construed as gay, but it's not/I'm not". My friend and I had to share a bed for a trip my team took (he knows I'm gay), and he got in bed and said "alright, I'm taking my pants and shirt off, no homo". So I said "Ok, this is also no homo" and then rolled over and started humping him. Then he yelled and I got a good laugh out of it. LOL.

If you're getting offended by "no homo", chill out!!! It's not a sign of intolerance. It's a joke more than anything else, at least in most cases.

[Lexington]

>>>I am sorry you are easily offended...

Color the gargoyle easily offended, too. I never liked the phrase. The only positive things I've found about it are the fact that it tends to highlight somebody with homophobic tendencies, and the fact that it's a ripe vein for humor. There are SO many obvious jokes to make to "no homo" - "Methink you protest too much", "What homo would be caught dead in those pants?", etc etc.

As others have pointed out, there IS no comparable phrase - not just for straights, but for pretty much anything. There's no "no atheist", "no Catholic", "no disco fan", nothing. The fact that such a term exists suggests that people ARE still panicked that people might consider them gay, or even wonder about it - and that attitude suggests how they view homosexuality in a nutshell. It's almost a panicked response (passed off as jokingly casual conversation) begging people not to call their sexuality into question. The straight people I know are quite secure in their sexuality, and never find the need to add "no homo" to anything they do or say. It's not that they never do anything that might be considered "gay" - it's that they don't care if anybody misinterprets it.

I do think it's more in the "not thinking" form of homophobia - see also "that's so gay" - than in anything truly malicious. But I still think it's lame.

Lex

[GhostDog]

Originally Posted by Chandra

If someone said "I like rap music. But don't get me wrong - I'm not black or anything. No Afro", would you consider that derogatory? Of course you would. How is this any different?

I really like that way of looking at it!

"No Homo" annoys me. I saw a "NO HOMO" sticker on the back of some muscle car once. I was like, "Uh, what? Do you think your car gives off gay rays you need to counteract or something?" I wish it had been parked and I'd had a roll of duct tape and a marker so I could make it say "YES HOMO", but, alas.

I can understand not wanting to be perceived as gay if you're straight; it bugs me when people assume I'm straight. But I just correct them, chalk it up to a heteronormative society, and move on. No harm done. What I can't fathom is the attitude that your every action might be being analyzed for signs of gayness. I don't worry that people will mistakenly think I'm straight because I compliment a dude or whatever; I don't qualify my statements with, "No hetero, though!" If someone persists in thinking I'm straight, they're wrong, and it doesn't affect me. (Unless said someone is a girl who might have been interested in dating me, but that seems to be a depressingly insignificant proportion of the population so far. -.-)

It bugs me that being LGBT is still so stigmatized that the prospect of someone mistakenly thinking you're queer is so distasteful to some people they have to specify that they're not gay after the likes of complimenting someone. I mean, really. God forbid someone mistake you for gay! Oh, no, then you'd have to correct people and learn to not give a shit if they don't believe you! Not like gay people have been dealing with that for years, or anything!

Yeah, it may be used as a joke by some, but it still basically boils down to, "Nice shirt! Oh, I may have just stepped over the exceedingly restrictive bounds of expectations for my gender right there, but I'm not one of those icky gay people or anything! Just FYI!" Hilarious. I love being dismissed as a joke. (Yes, I realize context makes a huge difference and there are probably situations where it'd be satire and totally fine or whatever. I am speaking in the general.)

Perhaps I am oversensitive for not chalking up "no homo" and "that's so gay" to whatever I'm supposed to dismiss it for, but I do think they are symptoms the societal conditioning that works to continue how marginalized LGBT people are. No, I don't think most of these things are necessarily used by most people in an overtly hateful way, but they just reinforce how insignificant we are to whoever uses them. It still shows that we are something that other people don't want to even be associated with.

So, yeah, the phrase isn't necessarily the problem so much as the attitudes that perpetuate it. It still bugs me and I'm still gonna call people out on it.

[Phoenix]

Originally Posted by Lexington

>>>I am sorry you are easily offended...

Color the gargoyle easily offended, too. I never liked the phrase. The only positive things I've found about it are the fact that it tends to highlight somebody with homophobic tendencies, and the fact that it's a ripe vein for humor. There are SO many obvious jokes to make to "no homo" - "Methink you protest too much", "What homo would be caught dead in those pants?", etc etc.

As others have pointed out, there IS no comparable phrase - not just for straights, but for pretty much anything. There's no "no atheist", "no Catholic", "no disco fan", nothing. The fact that such a term exists suggests that people ARE still panicked that people might consider them gay, or even wonder about it - and that attitude suggests how they view homosexuality in a nutshell. It's almost a panicked response (passed off as jokingly casual conversation) begging people not to call their sexuality into question. The straight people I know are quite secure in their sexuality, and never find the need to add "no homo" to anything they do or say. It's not that they never do anything that might be considered "gay" - it's that they don't care if anybody misinterprets it.

I do think it's more in the "not thinking" form of homophobia - see also "that's so gay" - than in anything truly malicious. But I still think it's lame.

Lex

Agreed. It's sort of like the telltale heart. Except in this case, it's insecurity rather than guilt. You don't want to project onto others that you're not as secure in yourself as you're trying to make the populace think you are so you have to add a reassurance-"no homo"-to seal the deal. The thing here is though, who are they trying to convince by saying it, us or themselves? Like has been aforementioned, the people who are truly secure in themselves have no need for the phrase. Like one of my boyfriend's friends for example always grabs my boyfriend's crotch and makes sexual jokes but you can just tell he's confident in himself so I've never questioned it.

[Phantasma]

I've always believed people who use the term are not secure in their own sexuality. And I don't mean "not secure" as in think they are gay (though those cases definitely exist), I mean not secure as in just not 100% got their shit together. If you are so frightened that someone, somewhere, might think what you just said/did is "homosexual", so frightened in fact that you feel the need to assure everyone within listening distance that you in fact ARE NOT gay.. well, that certainly says a lot about you, now doesn't it?

Even if said in a joking fashion, it still reveals underlying homophobia. To feel that you need to assure everyone you aren't gay suggests that you think there is something wrong with it. If you don't think it's a big deal, you wouldn't be using that phrase because you'd feel no threat, no "oh lord, don't let them think I'm gay! the horror!" It's all based on a notion that homosexuality is something to be dreaded and avoided. God forbid someone thinks you're gay, right? (Even though there is almost no possible way to pinpoint someone as "a gay" based on a single action.)

A guy who is secure in his shit feels no need to say "no homo!" because he already knows that he is straight and not gay and that peoples perceptions won't change that.

[RaRa]

I love using "No hetero" so I guess I can't say anything.

[Filip]

Well, to respond to the OP: I don't think it necessarily means anything. If he likes Rap music, and that phrase is a trope of rap music, he probably doesn't even notice it might be offensive.

I'd say you're better served by occasionally bringing up gay topics in one-on-one conversation and being utterly unapologetic about your opinion on the matter. His reaction to that will teach you more than FB analysis. And it might teach him a thing or two as well. I found that most people are surprisingly easy to convince that homosexuality isn't a big deal as soon as you get them away from peer pressure.

And based on that, you can still decide whether or not to come out. But never write people off in advance!

Originally Posted by 4 seat

If you're getting offended by "no homo", chill out!!! It's not a sign of intolerance. It's a joke more than anything else, at least in most cases.

I'm not sure if that's always so. To me, it highly depends on the circumstances. My close friends can get away with shockingly homophobic remarks around me exactly because I know how accepting they really are.
If I'm saying anything that can be construed as gay, and they tell me "why, aren't you in a faggy mood today?", I know it's not meant maliciously. If a stranger tells me that on the train, then I have no idea how to take it. And to be on the safe side, I'd rather not take it as a conversation-starter. Maybe if the stranger was obviously gay himself, I'd be more inclined to take it as a joke, but it would still be a bit inappropriate.

Sure, sometimes people are too easily offended, but that doesn't mean that you can spout possibly offensive things with impunity and blame it all on the others for "not getting the humor". Especially not if the other party has good reason to be on the watch for possibly dangerous situations.