Fed up with online dating / fakers

[ScentedRegrets]

Hey all,

Figured I'd start a thread here just to vent a little, but to also see what kinds of experiences you have had with online dating and/or just plain old dating.

A few months ago, at the recommendation of my best friend and his brother, I put up a profile on **********. Each day, they send you 5 daily matches based on "compatibility." So, I faithfully browsed the daily 5, and also did random searches. So far, I've had conversations and met up with 2 people. Both ended in a very similar way.

The first, we talked for about 2 weeks online, and then decided to meet up in NYC for dinner. It went well and the conversation just flowed very naturally. We both laughed quite a bit. On the train ride home, I texted him just to say thanks and that I had a great time. He texted me back and said that he didn't think it would be good to take it further. I texted back, asking why. He said that he didn't feel the physical attraction, and wouldn't be comfortable "clubbing and stuff" with me. I texted back and said that that was unfortunate, best of luck.

The second, we talked on the phone for about a week before meeting up for dinner. We had a 2.5 hour dinner at applebees and talked about what seemed to be everything. We went to the same out-of-the-area camp, had very similar backgrounds, and had what I thought were very compatible backgrounds. When we decided to leave, he said that we should meet up again, and "see where things go." I agreed. We walked out to the parking lot, shook hands, and said we'd be in touch. That was 2 weeks ago. I left him 2 voicemails and 3 texts over that period, no reply. My last attempt was 5 days ago, and I won't be making another one.

I just don't get it. I know that people are vain, and I am no different. But I think that I have gotten over that, to some degree. I still consider looks to be very important, and admit that I have not replied to certain profiles because I wasn't attracted to the person in the photos. But I'm just annoyed with people who act a certain way in person, and then hide behind technology - whether it be texting you back, or just not responding at all.

I know that finding someone takes patience. But I wasn't expecting so much frustration.

I'd love to gather your thoughts, and experiences are always appreciated!

--Matt

[Chandra]

Yeesh. I just signed up on a dating site for the first time ever, and your stories make me want to run and hide. I've made a point of saying on my profile that I only want to be friends first, though, which will hopefully avoid some of the pressure? *shrug*

I definitely agree with you that it sucks for people to hide behind technology, but as a shy person who doesn't like to make other people feel bad, I can also understand why people do that kind of thing. It does show a bit of emotional immaturity, though.

I hope you find better luck soon. You sound like a good guy.

[ScentedRegrets]

Originally Posted by Chandra

Yeesh. I just signed up on a dating site for the first time ever, and your stories make me want to run and hide. I've made a point of saying on my profile that I only want to be friends first, though, which will hopefully avoid some of the pressure? *shrug*

I definitely agree with you that it sucks for people to hide behind technology, but as a shy person who doesn't like to make other people feel bad, I can also understand why people do that kind of thing. It does show a bit of emotional immaturity, though.

I hope you find better luck soon. You sound like a good guy.

Thanks, Chandra. I like that - emotional immaturity. I agree with you, 100%. While I am not out to my entire family, I did have a discussion with my aunt and uncle over the holidays. They think I am too nice. I don't really get upset easily, and I am really easy going. While I'm not a feminine guy AT ALL, I definitely find myself attracted to other masculine guys, who are more of the take charge type.

Thanks for replying. I am comfortable that we will get there some day. I guess all good things are worth waiting for. I think it is a good idea that you mention being friends first. I would just make sure that you are setting the expectations of those that view your profile - to the effect of where you hope things will go... i.e. more than friends, when the time is right. I read many profiles that seem like people just want several friends, not one special friend. Just be sure you're setting the right expectations.

Good luck!!!

[Pepsi]

That really is a cowardly thing for them to have done. You seem like a very nice person so don't worry about it I'm sure you'll find someone but like you said it does require patience. I think you're very brave for meeting people online, I think you're doing all you can though by putting yourself out there. You just have to wait for the right person to come along and don't worry I'm sure that person will come along.

[Chandra]

Originally Posted by ScentedRegrets

I would just make sure that you are setting the expectations of those that view your profile - to the effect of where you hope things will go... i.e. more than friends, when the time is right. I read many profiles that seem like people just want several friends, not one special friend. Just be sure you're setting the right expectations.

Good luck!!!

Well, actually I try not to have expectations - in fact, I put "friends first, no expectations" on my profile. It's hard for me to meet other LGBT people where I live, so if I do end up simply making some connections with some cool people I'm happy with that too. Usually when I do end up dating someone (which is rare), it's only after I've known them for a while and have made a connection as friends. But thanks for your point of view on that.

And yes, the best things are worth waiting for.

[silverhalo]

I dont think you should give up although I understand that these things can be frustrating but even if you were meeting these people out and about or in hobbies/interest groups you still might find that people blow hot and cold, I guess its just easier online because they can disappear without trace.

If it helps or gives you hope I met my girlfriend online (infact on EC) and she is absolutely amazing and I couldnt ask for anything more.

[starfish]

On-line dating is a fickle thing. I know several people that have met their significant other through a dating site. I also know people that can put up a profile and in less than an hour have several responses.

Me on the the other hand. I've had no luck with them. The only people that contact me are creepy old guys, most of my messages go unanswered. The few replies I get rarely go anywhere.

I'll also be honest and admit that it is me. I just not that good at communication with others, especially with starting a conversation. If there is a conversation already established I can usually add something meaning. Getting one started, well that is a skill that eludes my mastery. I'm ok with that.

[ScentedRegrets]

Originally Posted by silverhalo

If it helps or gives you hope I met my girlfriend online (infact on EC) and she is absolutely amazing and I couldnt ask for anything more.

That is wonderful! Congratulations!! Very good motivation for me, thanks for sharing

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Originally Posted by Pepsi

That really is a cowardly thing for them to have done. You seem like a very nice person so don't worry about it I'm sure you'll find someone but like you said it does require patience. I think you're very brave for meeting people online, I think you're doing all you can though by putting yourself out there. You just have to wait for the right person to come along and don't worry I'm sure that person will come along.

Thank you for the kind words, from one NY'er to another

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Originally Posted by starfish

On-line dating is a fickle thing. I know several people that have met their significant other through a dating site. I also know people that can put up a profile and in less than an hour have several responses.

Me on the the other hand. I've had no luck with them. The only people that contact me are creepy old guys, most of my messages go unanswered. The few replies I get rarely go anywhere.

I'll also be honest and admit that it is me. I just not that good at communication with others, especially with starting a conversation. If there is a conversation already established I can usually add something meaning. Getting one started, well that is a skill that eludes my mastery. I'm ok with that.

This is interesting. I have had a few other replies to my profile. A couple of creepers, one whose profile said 23 but email said 35. So I didn't know what to think. A couple of people who wanted a hookup.

I think that I am a part of the problem. I think I am better looking than my pictures indicate (but I'm not saying I am attractive, just better looking). I have lost weight over the past year and a half, 70 pounds in all. But my pictures don't really show that, but I was hoping to make new pictures with a boyfriend in hand. I was hoping that people weren't that judgmental, but I can't fault others for being something that I am.

My boss said that "someone as nice as you shouldn't be single, so what are you doing wrong?" Maybe I come across as too needy. I hope not, I just try to be me. Masculine, sports-loving, sportscar-driving Matt. Hardworking, honest, and loyal to a tee. Maybe I'm somehow setting myself up for failure. Who knows.

Well, at least you know your "shortcoming" if you are okay with me calling it that. I feel much like you - I am okay with me, who I have become, and what my shortcomings are. I, and I think like you, just want someone to understand me for me, and love me for me. I want to do the same in return.

I guess it just takes some patience. We'll get there, some time.

[Revan]

Originally Posted by ScentedRegrets

Hey all,

Figured I'd start a thread here just to vent a little, but to also see what kinds of experiences you have had with online dating and/or just plain old dating.

A few months ago, at the recommendation of my best friend and his brother, I put up a profile on **********. Each day, they send you 5 daily matches based on "compatibility." So, I faithfully browsed the daily 5, and also did random searches. So far, I've had conversations and met up with 2 people. Both ended in a very similar way.

The first, we talked for about 2 weeks online, and then decided to meet up in NYC for dinner. It went well and the conversation just flowed very naturally. We both laughed quite a bit. On the train ride home, I texted him just to say thanks and that I had a great time. He texted me back and said that he didn't think it would be good to take it further. I texted back, asking why. He said that he didn't feel the physical attraction, and wouldn't be comfortable "clubbing and stuff" with me. I texted back and said that that was unfortunate, best of luck.

The second, we talked on the phone for about a week before meeting up for dinner. We had a 2.5 hour dinner at applebees and talked about what seemed to be everything. We went to the same out-of-the-area camp, had very similar backgrounds, and had what I thought were very compatible backgrounds. When we decided to leave, he said that we should meet up again, and "see where things go." I agreed. We walked out to the parking lot, shook hands, and said we'd be in touch. That was 2 weeks ago. I left him 2 voicemails and 3 texts over that period, no reply. My last attempt was 5 days ago, and I won't be making another one.

I just don't get it. I know that people are vain, and I am no different. But I think that I have gotten over that, to some degree. I still consider looks to be very important, and admit that I have not replied to certain profiles because I wasn't attracted to the person in the photos. But I'm just annoyed with people who act a certain way in person, and then hide behind technology - whether it be texting you back, or just not responding at all.

I know that finding someone takes patience. But I wasn't expecting so much frustration.

I'd love to gather your thoughts, and experiences are always appreciated!

--Matt

I'm sorry you had to experience that. Gawd though, I know exactly what you're talking about. How many times have I experienced scuzballs and every sort of idiotic man on dating sites >_>. Me I use Plenty of Fish which is worse in my opinion. Many guys on there you'll message and they'll just delete your message after reading it. You'll have guys who actually laugh at you for messaging them (and I'm not ugly so frankly them laughing is absolutely messed up). And you also get lovely idiots who just play with your emotions, go out with you for five months, and then dump you >_>

I just give up with online frankly...

[MusicIsLife]

Yikes!

Actually, my only online dating experiences went the route of "dated" for a long time and my significant other turned out to be batshit crazy.

My first was a boy, back when i wasnt sure if I was straight or not. We met on an MMORPG site, and began "dating" two years later we split because I wasnt ready for sex (we were 16 at the time) and we met up a few times, but he lived very far away.

My second was a girl after I came out. We were close friends before and it was very fast, and she was very clingy and bossy and six months later i couldnt take her nagging anymore and broke up with her.

My final relationship, the one im in now is going amazingly well. We met online initially, but now we've been seeing eachother for like 2 months. I personally wouldnt scratch it off completely, but enter in with caution, theres a lot of nut jobs out there.

[Chip]

This may not be exactly what you want to hear but perhaps it will be helpful.

My impression from the people in their teens and 20s that i talk to is that the vast majority of gay guys who are looking online (whether on dating sites, "gay myspace" sites, hookups sites, or hookups-sites-masquerading-as-dating-sites) are basically looking for sex first, and maybe for a relationship if it happens to come out of the deal. Now it's hard to say from the situations you've described, but maybe they just didn't feel the emotional/conversational chemistry with you, maybe they were looking for sex and not much else, maybe you weren't their type... hard to say.

If you had a strong online connection with them but then it didn't work in person, and you look better in person than your pics, my first guess might be that something about your conversational style or interaction style isn't working for the two people you met. THe problem is, it's hard to see what deficiencies you have unless someone will point them out to you, because we are generally blind to our own faults in that way. So you could maybe send them each an email and tell them you're trying to undrestand yourself better, and you'd like an honest, unvarnished, uncensored evaluation of what they perceive that you might want to work on... and then, no matter what they say, thank them for it, don't defend it, and just think about it.

It's also quite possible that you did absolutely nothing wrong, are a perfect and charming gentleman, and for whatever reason, the guys you met are looking for different types. If so, then just trying to connect with other guys might be sensible.

I would also suggest that meeting guys in other ways might be better. One of the best is volunteering in a place where there are other gay men your age; at a gay center, or at some sort of group or activity where there are a lot of gay men. Or maybe there's a gay men's hiking or outing or book club in your area. All of those can be great opportunities to meet new people.

But... don't give up. Two of my best friends have now been together for almost 2 years. They met on Myspace, almost instantly knew that they were perfect for each other, and it is one of the healthiest, most open and genuine relationships I've ever seen among gay men.

But the challenge is figuring that out, so you can do better.

[darkestknight]

Online dating? Just be careful. On times you find cheaters/fakers.

And I'm one of those victim. Left me scarred for a few months. Felt terrible.

[valerievalerie]

I'm curious, where does everyone go to meet people? I had a hard enough time finding an online community like this let alone finding likeminded people locally.

i hate online dating sites. i signed up to a few and imo they are rubbish. its something in my mind tho that other people arent genuine. think its thru my friend not having success. i also state that im looking for friends and i dont even put up pics. i think the best way to start something off is by chatting first. get to know someone before you meet em. that way it aint a complete stranger and you will feel like they are more genuine.

[ScentedRegrets]

All great replies on this thread. You really do have to be careful on the internet these days. Lots of whacked out people out there. But the way I see it, the potential benefits outweigh the costs. I'm all for meeting people and giving things a shot. I just wish people were more sincere, honest, and open. I hate that technology allows people to hide behind a keyboard or a cell phone.

Sometimes, its like I wonder why... why, if I am as nice and upbeat as everyone says I am, am I still single? I guess Green Day had a song about this, Nice Guys Finish Last. Well, if thats the case, I guess I am bound to finish last. I love being a nice person, even if it exposes some vulnerability. I have to put myself out there if Mr. Right is going to one day swoop me off my feet. And when he does, it will all be worth it.

Thanks for the replies, all

[stratavos]

Online dating often doesn't work. A real connection can only be properly done in person.

Paysites are annoying as hell with this, mostly because I'm a college art student who is spending the money on supplies, food, rent, and the monthly CD or seasonal video game.

What's worse is that some sites don't even let you delete your profile. All you can do is delete all your information except your username. *fumes*

psst, "nice guys finish last" is also a song by cobra starship

[Filip]

Well, in a way, it’s kind of logical that people getting in contact from behind the safe screen of technology tend to break up from behind the same safe screen of technology. There’s many reasons to join up to dating sites, and being shy is one of them (and I say this as someone who was always too shy to even consider joining up to a dating side ).
Also, “technology” is relative. If you read Jane Austen, it’s full of people breaking up by letter. Probably, as soon as the smoke signals were invented, cavemen used them to break up by distance

Try to see the good whenever you can, though. Being annoyed won’t help future chances as you start to assume the worst before it started.

Just see it as this: both times, you had an enjoyable evening. That’s still a pretty nice deal.
While you can fault guy #1 for not saying it to your face, at least he didn’t try to avoid the matter either. He could have kept you on the line for way longer than he did. Maybe he just thought you were a nice guy (if not what he considered his type) and was afraid of disappointing you.
For guy #2, well, I have no excuses for him. But maybe he was just terminally shy when it comes to breaking off dating.

In any case, even if the dating doesn’t work out, maybe you will make some gay friends. Gay friends have more gay friends you might meet. Among those there might just be someone who it does work out with. Sometimes it may seem like the saying is true that “good guys go to heaven, bad guys go everywhere” But I’m sure that if you just keep being yourself you’ll run into someone that can appreciate that!

[Bryan90]

Originally Posted by ScentedRegrets

Hey all,

Figured I'd start a thread here just to vent a little, but to also see what kinds of experiences you have had with online dating and/or just plain old dating.

A few months ago, at the recommendation of my best friend and his brother, I put up a profile on **********. Each day, they send you 5 daily matches based on "compatibility." So, I faithfully browsed the daily 5, and also did random searches. So far, I've had conversations and met up with 2 people. Both ended in a very similar way.

The first, we talked for about 2 weeks online, and then decided to meet up in NYC for dinner. It went well and the conversation just flowed very naturally. We both laughed quite a bit. On the train ride home, I texted him just to say thanks and that I had a great time. He texted me back and said that he didn't think it would be good to take it further. I texted back, asking why. He said that he didn't feel the physical attraction, and wouldn't be comfortable "clubbing and stuff" with me. I texted back and said that that was unfortunate, best of luck.

The second, we talked on the phone for about a week before meeting up for dinner. We had a 2.5 hour dinner at applebees and talked about what seemed to be everything. We went to the same out-of-the-area camp, had very similar backgrounds, and had what I thought were very compatible backgrounds. When we decided to leave, he said that we should meet up again, and "see where things go." I agreed. We walked out to the parking lot, shook hands, and said we'd be in touch. That was 2 weeks ago. I left him 2 voicemails and 3 texts over that period, no reply. My last attempt was 5 days ago, and I won't be making another one.

I just don't get it. I know that people are vain, and I am no different. But I think that I have gotten over that, to some degree. I still consider looks to be very important, and admit that I have not replied to certain profiles because I wasn't attracted to the person in the photos. But I'm just annoyed with people who act a certain way in person, and then hide behind technology - whether it be texting you back, or just not responding at all.

I know that finding someone takes patience. But I wasn't expecting so much frustration.

I'd love to gather your thoughts, and experiences are always appreciated!

--Matt

Well in a way, I guess it's a good thing that you feel so frustrated over the examples provided. I guess it probably means that you really cared a lot and took it seriously; at least serious enough to leave 2 voicemail and 3 texts

Though I guess you would have figured out by now that not everybody takes it as seriously as you do. I guess it wouldn't be surprising if they go through like 10 dates in 2 weeks and don't take each of those too seriously.

But I guess from what I have observed, it's the people like you who take it seriously and not give up who end up in very happy relationships..

[Chandra]

Originally Posted by Bryan90

Though I guess you would have figured out by now that not everybody takes it as seriously as you do. I guess it wouldn't be surprising if they go through like 10 dates in 2 weeks and don't take each of those too seriously.

But I guess from what I have observed, it's the people like you who take it seriously and not give up who end up in very happy relationships..

I like this way of looking at things.

[Goliath]

My experience with online dating is that most people there are only looking for sex (there are a few exceptions though). Building up a relationship is on a lot deeper level than through online communication. You have to accept a person for who they are not what they list them as.

I've met people through the internet some nice and some not. I'm not sure if ********** is a good website (I haven't tried it though), maybe you should try okcupid or gaydar?

But from my personal experience it's a lot better to meet people in real life. You can join an LGBT club if it's available in your area. Even if you don't find a date immediately you will make real life friends that might know someone who is compatible with you