Family. What does it mean to you?

I was conceived accidentally. My mother and her side of the family wanted her to get an abortion. My father convinced her not to. She already had a child, a five-year-old girl. The girl had been taken away once or twice by CPS. My mother was a very, very violent and abusive alcoholic. She managed to kick while I was in the womb, but it didn't last for long. After my birth, she started drinking again. She eventually drove my father away. I was two years old at the time. My parents had never been married, so they didn't have to go through any legal bullshit. I legally lived with my mom, but I would visit my dad every weekend. When I was 8, his drinking worsened and he started to use meth. I stopped seeing him until I was 11. He spent most of that time in jail. My mom started to date a tweeker who lived across the street. They both used together, in addition to binge drinking. I had no one to turn to at the time. When I was ten, I slipped into a deep, almost fatal depression. I planned to hang myself on Christmas day of 2006. One of my friends ended up knocking on the door before I was able to do it, so I survived. I didn't tell anyone about it. I also attempted to cut my wrists two months after that. A month before my dad came back into my life, my mom called the police on me and got me thrown into jail for three days. I was forced to take a plea bargain against my will. After that, I got better with my dad around. In early 2009, I found out that I was gay. I initially handled it very well, and nearly outed myself to the world. I got cold feet at the start of the summer. My mother was also in an abusive relationship that got her thrown in jail. I slipped into another depression. I would stay inside of my house and avoid any contact with other humans for two to three weeks at a time. That was when I found out that my sister was using heroin, almost daily. I haven't seen her in 10 months. Since my shitty summer, I've been trying to build my self-confidence back up. I still have to fight off suicidal urges almost every day, but I manage somehow. My mother is currently serving time in jail for a probation violation. I'm staying at my dad's house, hoping things will get better.

Last night, I saw a video on YouTube. It was of a two-parent gay family. I ended up watching a bunch of the videos. After it, I couldn't sleep. I had very conflicted emotions. I was looking at something I haven't seen before, but it hurt to watch. I know that my parents' split has changed me forever. Because of it, I have trust issues with others. I greatly envied this family that I was watching, but I felt guilty about it for some reason. I've always wanted my two parents to be together, more than anything. It hurts knowing that they didn't care about me enough to fake loving each other. Still, I felt good seeing what two gay parents could do. It made me hopeful that someday, I can be the parent that I never had. I want to do something good before I pass on to another world. And I'm very glad that I won't be able to have biological children. Mental illness and addiction run in the family. I believe that I suffer from clinical depression. I would never let this happen to another soul. I'd rather suffer for them, even if it would become too much. I want my problems to stay isolated. The last thing I would want is to have another human being feel the way I do. I'd rather die alone and comfortable knowing that others could enjoy life more. I want to do something. I want to contribute to society and stop being a fucking burden.

Sorry if I'm WAY off-topic. I'm just feeling like shit right now. I really needed to say something about this. It's been haunting me today.

[Shevanel]

Even though I know how you feel about split parents, I can only give you my deepest sympthathies for everything else that you've had to go through as I can't even imagine how bad it was =[

What's important is that you've made it. And you'll get to have a happy family of your own one day.

It's not easy to open up as much as you did, so for the last time (before it seems ridiculous)

I know from reading this that you will make an awesome parent! These experiences create better people out of those that are victims like you and I. My parents' behavior may not have been to that extent, but they have done some things in their past that made me feel like I wasn't a desired burden in their lives. It has made me into a more caring person, my morals are more appropriate than most people my age, and I am one who wants to give back and make a difference in the world. And I see that in you. You seem extremely mature for your age and I know you will be a great addition to society once you are old enough to contribute to it. I say that in different terms as to the way you are contributing now. It is different in the sense that you are still a dependent. But I know that you will fulfill the position of a very loving father, an amazing friend, a great neighbor, and what ever other role there is for you to fit into. But right now, you are an amazing young man and you should work hard to become the best you can be, because it will be a victory to society and a spit in the face of those who don't believe in you. I believe in you 100% and will be here to support you all the way, even if I don't know you, I believe in you =)

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