Thoughts on my poem please? :) - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Ashleigh Ann · 30th May 2010, 08:25 PM

Push aside the piles,
Waste away your whiles,
Listen for my whisper,
Can you hear me, sister?
Hidden well within my pages,
Lurks the wisdom of the sages.
Search with your blind eyes,
Look through all the lies.
Can you keep a secret?
It's one I can't regret.
Will you shut this worn door and walk away?
Or are you actually here to stay?
Don't leave me because I'm strange,
Something well beyond your range.
It's not my fault you know,
It's not the path I'd go!
It's not my choice to make,
Who you love; who you hate.
Please don't leave me behind,
Don't hate me for what you find.

************************************************** *************

Please and thanks!

AlyssWonderland · 30th May 2010, 09:43 PM

I like it

May I ask what its about? I can get an idea, but I'm just curious. Its a very nice poem, in my opinion.
I used to write some poems myself, but I haven't in a while.

chained butterfly · 31st May 2010, 08:16 AM

That's a touching poem. i like it.

Jay D · 31st May 2010, 09:31 AM

I was moved by it, I really liked it. Well done.

silverhalo · 31st May 2010, 09:32 AM

I like it its nice, it flows and seems to be very heartfelt which I think always makes a great poem.

31st May 2010, 11:13 AM

yeah i also like it

XxTheNumbOnexX · 1st Jun 2010, 01:31 AM

Oh wow. That has deep meaning. I rarely find a poem that I can "fall into". Books, yes. Movies, yes. Games, sometimes. But I actually got lost in that while reading it!!! That is an amazing poem!!!

KittyBoy · 1st Jun 2010, 02:28 AM

!!!! Beautiful!

otc877 · 1st Jun 2010, 03:46 AM

I feel like the rhyming scheme is a bit forced.

Stuie · 1st Jun 2010, 04:03 AM

The rhyming is pretty good; amazing compared to most amateur poets I've read.
The rhythm mostly flows but there are a few places where it breaks and stumbles a bit.
The imagery is good if a little cliched, but my favourite point in the poem is the repetition of the start of those three lines in a row. The rhyming works, the metre is spot on, but unfortunately you go from da-DAH x 3 to da-da-DAH x 2 in the next line which I feel can be a bit jarring.

However, I'm just splitting hairs. Well done though. It's a solid poem and a great job for someone pretty young.

InaRut · 1st Jun 2010, 09:09 PM

I was listening to beyonce...
I had to stop the song and read it again.

This is very wonderful. I'll be more careful with what song I choose to listen to while reading it.

canadian bear · 1st Jun 2010, 09:18 PM

wow thats wonderful

Super Trouper · 11th Jul 2010, 05:30 PM

I like it

keep writing ^^

Ashleigh Ann · 23rd Aug 2010, 02:39 PM

Thank you all so much for your comments. I actually had forgotten I'd posted it so it was a nice surprise! I'll be sure to post more sometime! XD

SMLequalBGFs · 23rd Aug 2010, 09:02 PM

it was beautifully wtitten, but sooo not sure what its about :/

30th May 2010, 08:25 PM	#1
Ashleigh Ann And all that counts is here and now Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Something Out Status: Some people Location: Pennsylvania Age: 20 Posts: 146 Join Date: Dec 2009	Thoughts on my poem please? :) Push aside the piles, Waste away your whiles, Listen for my whisper, Can you hear me, sister? Hidden well within my pages, Lurks the wisdom of the sages. Search with your blind eyes, Look through all the lies. Can you keep a secret? It's one I can't regret. Will you shut this worn door and walk away? Or are you actually here to stay? Don't leave me because I'm strange, Something well beyond your range. It's not my fault you know, It's not the path I'd go! It's not my choice to make, Who you love; who you hate. Please don't leave me behind, Don't hate me for what you find. ************************************************ *********** Please and thanks!

30th May 2010, 09:43 PM	#2
AlyssWonderland ninja. Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: Everyone but extended family. Location: New Hampshire Age: 17 Posts: 670 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) I like it May I ask what its about? I can get an idea, but I'm just curious. Its a very nice poem, in my opinion. I used to write some poems myself, but I haven't in a while. __________________ welcome to the sound of pretty. odd.

31st May 2010, 08:16 AM	#3
chained butterfly ~ RAWR to the lesbians Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian &im deff into trans gendered people. <3 Out Status: Out like wall mart Location: new york Age: 15 Posts: 449 Join Date: May 2010	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) That's a touching poem. i like it. __________________ Disregard females, Acquire currency.

31st May 2010, 09:31 AM	#4
Jay D First Lady of the Gothickan Empire. Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Straight Out Status: Everyone knows I'm straight Location: Norwich, Norfolk. Age: 20 Posts: 271 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) I was moved by it, I really liked it. Well done. __________________

31st May 2010, 09:32 AM	#5
silverhalo EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Quite a few Location: England, Age: 29 Posts: 3,160 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) I like it its nice, it flows and seems to be very heartfelt which I think always makes a great poem.

31st May 2010, 11:13 AM	#6
gaz83 Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) yeah i also like it

1st Jun 2010, 01:31 AM	#7
XxTheNumbOnexX The One Who Falls & Gets Helped Up Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay(Asexual?) Out Status: Everyone that knows me knows. Location: Alabama Age: 20 Posts: 309 Join Date: Dec 2007	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) Oh wow. That has deep meaning. I rarely find a poem that I can "fall into". Books, yes. Movies, yes. Games, sometimes. But I actually got lost in that while reading it!!! That is an amazing poem!!! __________________ I want to hold you close forever and ever and never let go. I'll protect you from anything and everything. I'll keep you safe and warm here in my arms.

1st Jun 2010, 02:28 AM	#8
KittyBoy Kitty! (=｀ω´=) Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: All but family Location: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia Age: 20 Posts: 3,479 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) !!!! Beautiful! __________________ Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

1st Jun 2010, 03:46 AM	#9
otc877 ^_^ Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Most friends know Location: L.A. Outskirts Age: 22 Posts: 790 Join Date: Oct 2007	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) I feel like the rhyming scheme is a bit forced.

1st Jun 2010, 04:03 AM	#10
Stuie Hugs - $POA Full Member Gender: e^(πi) +1 = 0 Orientation: Schnoo Out Status: Moo Cow Location: Canberra, Australia Age: 19 Posts: 1,463 Join Date: Aug 2008	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) The rhyming is pretty good; amazing compared to most amateur poets I've read. The rhythm mostly flows but there are a few places where it breaks and stumbles a bit. The imagery is good if a little cliched, but my favourite point in the poem is the repetition of the start of those three lines in a row. The rhyming works, the metre is spot on, but unfortunately you go from da-DAH x 3 to da-da-DAH x 2 in the next line which I feel can be a bit jarring. However, I'm just splitting hairs. Well done though. It's a solid poem and a great job for someone pretty young.

1st Jun 2010, 09:09 PM	#11
InaRut EC's Nu-Disco Walrus Full Member Gender: IRL Yaoi Character Orientation: (｡◕‿◕。) Out Status: ㅎ_ㅎ Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada Age: 22 Posts: 7,111 Join Date: Oct 2007	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) I was listening to beyonce... I had to stop the song and read it again. This is very wonderful. I'll be more careful with what song I choose to listen to while reading it. __________________ "The first duty of every Starfleet Officer is to the truth. Whether it's scientific truth, historical truth, or personal truth. It is the guiding principle to which Starfleet is based. If you can't find it within yourself, to tell the truth about what happened, then you don't deserve to where that uniform."

1st Jun 2010, 09:18 PM	#12
canadian bear EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Some people Location: dartmouth nova scotia Age: 40 Posts: 364 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) wow thats wonderful __________________

11th Jul 2010, 05:30 PM	#13
Super Trouper ABBA & Eurovision <3 Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Bi-Winning Out Status: Everyone that matters. Location: Portugal Age: 18 Posts: 1,168 Join Date: Jul 2010	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) I like it keep writing ^^

23rd Aug 2010, 02:39 PM	#14
Ashleigh Ann And all that counts is here and now Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Something Out Status: Some people Location: Pennsylvania Age: 20 Posts: 146 Join Date: Dec 2009	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) Thank you all so much for your comments. I actually had forgotten I'd posted it so it was a nice surprise! I'll be sure to post more sometime! XD

23rd Aug 2010, 09:02 PM	#15
SMLequalBGFs Member Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: CANADA Age: 16 Posts: 11 Join Date: Apr 2010	Re: Thoughts on my poem please? :) it was beautifully wtitten, but sooo not sure what its about :/ __________________ tanner, be my man of honour? 'S mise le meas <3

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