Last Names? - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

8th Jun 2010, 02:03 PM

This has been bugging me for a while now;

I don't have the NORMAL fantasies of a sexually exploring young man of my age. While most dudes are dreaming of hooking up in hot situations you know what my fantasy is? Being married and just cuddling with my husband after a long day apart from one another in bed. Yeah, I'm lame. LOL.

Well, in this fantasy I am a happily married man with someone who is madly in love with me (he shall remain nameless as you guys would so laugh at me! LOL) and even though we love being husbands we want to become fathers. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a father! I even know the names of my children and they don't even exist yet! Well, here's where my fantasy starts to become complicated...

As I said I ALWAYS wanted to be a father and I always wanted to raise my children with my last name (thinking I would be married to a woman it just seemed that this would never be a problem). Now, I'm still exploring my sexuality and I know that I am still attracted physically and emotionally to women (my major crush this year was a girl) so this might not be a problem. BUT, if I were to marry a man I would want OUR children to have MY last name and even use my DNA to have the kids. I also ALWAYS wanted to adopt and I STILL want that kid to have MY last name...

So...what does a gay or male bisexual couple do when they want to have kids? What if my husband wanted the kids to have HIS last name? How would someone handle this last name problem?

Thoughts?

Davy · 8th Jun 2010, 02:13 PM

I suppose there's no set rule to follow, think it would depend on what the individual couple would decide. But you are certainly asking a fair amount of someone as all things seam to be what you want. A bit of compromise would go well.

Personally i would probably look to a double-barrelled name as long as it made sense.

redsapphire · 8th Jun 2010, 02:16 PM

I'm not exactly in your situation, but I do want to marry an amazing woman some day and raise a family, in fact I'm really looking foreward to it.

Anyways the only thing I can think of in situations like this would be to double barrel the last name, that way it has yours and your partners... or you could give one your last name, and the other your partners? I'm not sure that one would work out too well, but hey hum,

Any help?

4 seat · 8th Jun 2010, 02:18 PM

I'm in kinda the same boat. I'm not too concerned about the last name, cuz my last name is a bitch to spell and pronounce. But I really want a biological son at some point. It's gonna be difficult considering I'm not gonna have a wife. I have a lot to figure out about that, but I'm not even close to any of that right now. But yeah, I really wanna be a dad and pass on my genes to a kid and see what happens. And don't think you're weird, I do wanna explore my sexuality, but the fantasy that you describe sounds amazing to me too.

8th Jun 2010, 02:43 PM

OMG I can't believe there are others that feel the same way! WOW! I had no idea I wasn't the only one! I actually thought people had a sure proof way to get around this! At least I'm not alone. That's somewhat comforting but it still sucks what we're (or we will) go through this.

I'm not entirely sure what a double barrel name is. You mean a hyphenate?

In my fantasy (LOL) one child has my "husband's" last name as their middle name. I dreamt that even though my kids would never be his genetically I thought that our adopted son (yeah, I have all the details planned out LOL) could have his surname as his middle name because since that adopted son is not genetically ours neither my husband or I have stakes in the situation so my hubby's surname and my lastname made that boy even more our child regardless of DNA

...But that solution still doesn't help me out with the other kids :S

8th Jun 2010, 06:02 PM

My boyfriend and I talk about this alot. We would both like to pass on our last names, but due to how they would combine (the main problem being my last name) hyphenating is not an option...I am not going to give away my last name, but let's just say it would look really bad. Right now, we are thinking we might just change both of our last names so that they are the same, but that isn't even very appealing.

**Mogget** · 8th Jun 2010, 09:59 PM

I don't think I'd care. I might even go for what sounded best with the name in question.

otc877 · 8th Jun 2010, 11:46 PM

I've given some thought to it, and I don't really care much about the last name thing. To me, to give up my last name or have my partner give up his would emasculate the one giving up their last name. When women change their last name in a traditional marriage, it is to show ownership.

The kids part, I'm not really hung up on their last name. Ideally, if I were to get married, I'd like to have a family last name, where both my partner and I change our last names to match. Either hyphenating or a completely new name.

But, I definitely agree with you about the biological kid. At this point in my life, I'm not really sure if I ever want kids. But, I do know that if I were to entertain the idea, I'd want my kid to have my genes. So I can say things like, "You have your grandma's eyes" or "You get your smarts from my uncle" etc.

The absolute perfect situation would be to marry somebody who has an incredibly open sister, who would be willing to be our surrogate mother. We'd use my semen, and it'd be as close to a genetic match to both of us as possible. But, that would be a little strange...

Black Cat · 9th Jun 2010, 07:12 AM

Believe it or not that's basically exactly what I want for my future. So you certainly aren't alone there.

I'm not too concerned about my kids passing on my last name though, or even my DNA. I have lots of issues with my paternal family, so I really don't want their name to be passed on. I plan on changing my own last name one of these days to fully distance myself from them.

I wouldn't mind taking my husband's name, or if he wanted to take mine then that would be fine too. But I would like my family to all have the same last name.

SaturdaySaviour · 9th Jun 2010, 10:32 AM

I've thought about last names (less about children though) and once I settle down, I think it would be best if both me and my partner changed ours to a completely different one.

Hyphenating is okay too, but I'd much rather get rid of my last name completely. People misspell it and ask if I'm related to a politician just too much. It practically ties me to the right-wing party and my conservative family.

Hoppip · 9th Jun 2010, 11:55 AM

My dad actually said that sort of thing to me. He told me that when I have a partner and we decide to get married/civil unioned/etc., that I should KEEP my last name and if we have a baby it HAS to have my last name (and my DNA). He wants to keep his male gene strong. : P

I'm not as concerned with the last naming and the genes. I know that it may even boil down to which last name is more euphonious (and by extension, which one I just plain like better). If I'm in France, would it be more helpful to take the French last name of my partner? Hyphenating could work for me (my very feminist history teacher had a hyphenated last name and she told us the whole story of it).

One thing I DO know: I will be "Daddy/Dadie" and he will be "Papa/Papa." The former is because I'm American and the latter is because he will probably be French. I spell Daddy differently in French so it fits better with French phonology and orthography.

Emberstone · 9th Jun 2010, 12:15 PM

just hope your partners surname is not over, and yours is bend...

Connor22 · 9th Jun 2010, 02:43 PM

I don't want my kids to have y surname so thats alright then, seriously the amount of jokes that can be made about it are unreal

9th Jun 2010, 03:02 PM

Im not all too bothered. Would be nice to keep my own surname though. Double barrel if needs be really. Plus I share my name with a wealthy man off the Simpsons so gets a few laughs.

4 seat · 9th Jun 2010, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiggles

Im not all too bothered. Would be nice to keep my own surname though. Double barrel if needs be really. Plus I share my name with a wealthy man off the Simpsons so gets a few laughs.

Maybe the guy you end up with will have the last name "Smithers"

9th Jun 2010, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4 seat

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiggles

Im not all too bothered. Would be nice to keep my own surname though. Double barrel if needs be really. Plus I share my name with a wealthy man off the Simpsons so gets a few laughs.

Maybe the guy you end up with will have the last name "Smithers"

That would be all to weird! lol.

theJosephDean · 9th Jun 2010, 04:39 PM

A little late in responding, maybe, but just thought I'd throw my two cents in

As far as children go, I'm a little iffy, but as far as my ideal future, I agree completely. I've never been one to date random people (I never saw the appeal) because if I'm putting my heart into something, I expect an outcome - not just a hookup and then moving on, ya know? So know that you really do have a lot of people thinking the same way as you.

I hope that whatever you figure out will work out in the future!

Miss Bubbles · 10th Jun 2010, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RAJ Aladdin

This has been bugging me for a while now;

I don't have the NORMAL fantasies of a sexually exploring young man of my age. While most dudes are dreaming of hooking up in hot situations you know what my fantasy is? Being married and just cuddling with my husband after a long day apart from one another in bed. Yeah, I'm lame. LOL.

Well, in this fantasy I am a happily married man with someone who is madly in love with me (he shall remain nameless as you guys would so laugh at me! LOL) and even though we love being husbands we want to become fathers. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a father! I even know the names of my children and they don't even exist yet! Well, here's where my fantasy starts to become complicated...

As I said I ALWAYS wanted to be a father and I always wanted to raise my children with my last name (thinking I would be married to a woman it just seemed that this would never be a problem). Now, I'm still exploring my sexuality and I know that I am still attracted physically and emotionally to women (my major crush this year was a girl) so this might not be a problem. BUT, if I were to marry a man I would want OUR children to have MY last name and even use my DNA to have the kids. I also ALWAYS wanted to adopt and I STILL want that kid to have MY last name...

So...what does a gay or male bisexual couple do when they want to have kids? What if my husband wanted the kids to have HIS last name? How would someone handle this last name problem?

Thoughts?

I totally agree with Raj

Just Adam · 10th Jun 2010, 05:22 AM

i think your normal i cant think of anything nicer than cuddling up with my yet to be husband and just watching a movie with the lights down embraced haha....

as for kids i would say they would have the last name of the name you got married under, if the married last name is a combo of your two last names thats a nice compromise...

Davy · 10th Jun 2010, 05:48 AM

Going a bit off topic but i think it's good to see that allot of Gay/Bisexual people have similar views and it is one i share. Too many people believe the myth that all Gay/Bisexual people are just out for sex and sleep around. Sure some do but not more so than straight people.

8th Jun 2010, 02:03 PM	#1
RAJ Aladdin Guest Posts: n/a	Last Names? This has been bugging me for a while now; I don't have the NORMAL fantasies of a sexually exploring young man of my age. While most dudes are dreaming of hooking up in hot situations you know what my fantasy is? Being married and just cuddling with my husband after a long day apart from one another in bed. Yeah, I'm lame. LOL. Well, in this fantasy I am a happily married man with someone who is madly in love with me (he shall remain nameless as you guys would so laugh at me! LOL) and even though we love being husbands we want to become fathers. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a father! I even know the names of my children and they don't even exist yet! Well, here's where my fantasy starts to become complicated... As I said I ALWAYS wanted to be a father and I always wanted to raise my children with my last name (thinking I would be married to a woman it just seemed that this would never be a problem). Now, I'm still exploring my sexuality and I know that I am still attracted physically and emotionally to women (my major crush this year was a girl) so this might not be a problem. BUT, if I were to marry a man I would want OUR children to have MY last name and even use my DNA to have the kids. I also ALWAYS wanted to adopt and I STILL want that kid to have MY last name... So...what does a gay or male bisexual couple do when they want to have kids? What if my husband wanted the kids to have HIS last name? How would someone handle this last name problem? Thoughts?

8th Jun 2010, 02:13 PM	#2
Davy I like panda's! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: Scotland (That's the bit with hills & rain) Posts: 414 Join Date: Jun 2010	Re: Last Names? I suppose there's no set rule to follow, think it would depend on what the individual couple would decide. But you are certainly asking a fair amount of someone as all things seam to be what you want. A bit of compromise would go well. Personally i would probably look to a double-barrelled name as long as it made sense.

8th Jun 2010, 02:16 PM	#3
redsapphire EC's resident witch Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Wow Mama Out Status: most except family Location: Bonny Lingland Age: 20 Posts: 877 Join Date: Jul 2008	Re: Last Names? I'm not exactly in your situation, but I do want to marry an amazing woman some day and raise a family, in fact I'm really looking foreward to it. Anyways the only thing I can think of in situations like this would be to double barrel the last name, that way it has yours and your partners... or you could give one your last name, and the other your partners? I'm not sure that one would work out too well, but hey hum, Any help? __________________ *Don't Bend, Don't Break, Baby Don't Back Down...*

8th Jun 2010, 02:18 PM	#4
4 seat EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Irvine, CA Age: 25 Posts: 320 Join Date: Oct 2009	Re: Last Names? I'm in kinda the same boat. I'm not too concerned about the last name, cuz my last name is a bitch to spell and pronounce. But I really want a biological son at some point. It's gonna be difficult considering I'm not gonna have a wife. I have a lot to figure out about that, but I'm not even close to any of that right now. But yeah, I really wanna be a dad and pass on my genes to a kid and see what happens. And don't think you're weird, I do wanna explore my sexuality, but the fantasy that you describe sounds amazing to me too.

8th Jun 2010, 02:43 PM	#5
RAJ Aladdin Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Last Names? OMG I can't believe there are others that feel the same way! WOW! I had no idea I wasn't the only one! I actually thought people had a sure proof way to get around this! At least I'm not alone. That's somewhat comforting but it still sucks what we're (or we will) go through this. I'm not entirely sure what a double barrel name is. You mean a hyphenate? In my fantasy (LOL) one child has my "husband's" last name as their middle name. I dreamt that even though my kids would never be his genetically I thought that our adopted son (yeah, I have all the details planned out LOL) could have his surname as his middle name because since that adopted son is not genetically ours neither my husband or I have stakes in the situation so my hubby's surname and my lastname made that boy even more our child regardless of DNA ...But that solution still doesn't help me out with the other kids :S

8th Jun 2010, 06:02 PM	#6
Kevin42 Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Last Names? My boyfriend and I talk about this alot. We would both like to pass on our last names, but due to how they would combine (the main problem being my last name) hyphenating is not an option...I am not going to give away my last name, but let's just say it would look really bad. Right now, we are thinking we might just change both of our last names so that they are the same, but that isn't even very appealing.

8th Jun 2010, 09:59 PM	#7
Mogget Mad and dead as nails EC Advisor Gender: Male Orientation: Kinsey 5 or 6. It varies Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Alaska Age: 22 Posts: 2,019 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: Last Names? I don't think I'd care. I might even go for what sounded best with the name in question.

8th Jun 2010, 11:46 PM	#8
otc877 ^_^ Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Most friends know Location: L.A. Outskirts Age: 22 Posts: 790 Join Date: Oct 2007	Re: Last Names? I've given some thought to it, and I don't really care much about the last name thing. To me, to give up my last name or have my partner give up his would emasculate the one giving up their last name. When women change their last name in a traditional marriage, it is to show ownership. The kids part, I'm not really hung up on their last name. Ideally, if I were to get married, I'd like to have a family last name, where both my partner and I change our last names to match. Either hyphenating or a completely new name. But, I definitely agree with you about the biological kid. At this point in my life, I'm not really sure if I ever want kids. But, I do know that if I were to entertain the idea, I'd want my kid to have my genes. So I can say things like, "You have your grandma's eyes" or "You get your smarts from my uncle" etc. The absolute perfect situation would be to marry somebody who has an incredibly open sister, who would be willing to be our surrogate mother. We'd use my semen, and it'd be as close to a genetic match to both of us as possible. But, that would be a little strange...

9th Jun 2010, 07:12 AM	#9
Black Cat As Seen On Hoarders... Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: This cat is out of the bag - I mean closet Location: Pennsylvania, with the cows Age: 21 Posts: 2,391 Join Date: Jun 2009	Re: Last Names? Believe it or not that's basically exactly what I want for my future. So you certainly aren't alone there. I'm not too concerned about my kids passing on my last name though, or even my DNA. I have lots of issues with my paternal family, so I really don't want their name to be passed on. I plan on changing my own last name one of these days to fully distance myself from them. I wouldn't mind taking my husband's name, or if he wanted to take mine then that would be fine too. But I would like my family to all have the same last name. __________________ "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it." - Mr. Magorium

9th Jun 2010, 10:32 AM	#10
SaturdaySaviour eats crayons and shits rainbows. Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Friends! Location: Croatia Age: 18 Posts: 490 Join Date: Dec 2009	Re: Last Names? I've thought about last names (less about children though) and once I settle down, I think it would be best if both me and my partner changed ours to a completely different one. Hyphenating is okay too, but I'd much rather get rid of my last name completely. People misspell it and ask if I'm related to a politician just too much. It practically ties me to the right-wing party and my conservative family.

9th Jun 2010, 11:55 AM	#11
Hoppip look at the good i do Full Member Gender: Lv. 18 ♂ Orientation: Water / Dragon Out Status: Uncommon Location: Johto Posts: 1,562 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Last Names? My dad actually said that sort of thing to me. He told me that when I have a partner and we decide to get married/civil unioned/etc., that I should KEEP my last name and if we have a baby it HAS to have my last name (and my DNA). He wants to keep his male gene strong. : P I'm not as concerned with the last naming and the genes. I know that it may even boil down to which last name is more euphonious (and by extension, which one I just plain like better). If I'm in France, would it be more helpful to take the French last name of my partner? Hyphenating could work for me (my very feminist history teacher had a hyphenated last name and she told us the whole story of it). One thing I DO know: I will be "Daddy/Dadie" and he will be "Papa/Papa." The former is because I'm American and the latter is because he will probably be French. I spell Daddy differently in French so it fits better with French phonology and orthography. __________________ KUDOS ME. I made myshelf pregnant.

9th Jun 2010, 12:15 PM	#12
Emberstone Flappychap Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Oregon, USA Age: 28 Posts: 5,591 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Last Names? just hope your partners surname is not over, and yours is bend...

9th Jun 2010, 02:43 PM	#13
Connor22 Stopped being (as) vague Full Member Gender: yes Orientation: up the bender Out Status: burned Narnia :D Location: Norn Iron Age: 17 Posts: 1,547 Join Date: Nov 2009	Re: Last Names? I don't want my kids to have y surname so thats alright then, seriously the amount of jokes that can be made about it are unreal __________________ Kindness is a gift. Share it.

9th Jun 2010, 03:02 PM	#14
Jiggles Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Last Names? Im not all too bothered. Would be nice to keep my own surname though. Double barrel if needs be really. Plus I share my name with a wealthy man off the Simpsons so gets a few laughs.

9th Jun 2010, 04:39 PM	#17
theJosephDean Nothing but the rain. Full Member Gender: 男 Male Orientation: Kinsey 5 Out Status: Om nom nom. Location: Johnson City, TN Age: 20 Posts: 1,633 Join Date: Jun 2010	Re: Last Names? A little late in responding, maybe, but just thought I'd throw my two cents in As far as children go, I'm a little iffy, but as far as my ideal future, I agree completely. I've never been one to date random people (I never saw the appeal) because if I'm putting my heart into something, I expect an outcome - not just a hookup and then moving on, ya know? So know that you really do have a lot of people thinking the same way as you. I hope that whatever you figure out will work out in the future! __________________ Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

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10th Jun 2010, 05:22 AM	#19
Just Adam Just passing through Full Member Gender: Something Orientation: Dunno Out Status: If they ask i will tell them Location: Wherever Age: 23 Posts: 6,002 Join Date: Mar 2009	Re: Last Names? i think your normal i cant think of anything nicer than cuddling up with my yet to be husband and just watching a movie with the lights down embraced haha.... as for kids i would say they would have the last name of the name you got married under, if the married last name is a combo of your two last names thats a nice compromise... __________________ There Used To Be A Point Of Things.

10th Jun 2010, 05:48 AM	#20
Davy I like panda's! Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: Scotland (That's the bit with hills & rain) Posts: 414 Join Date: Jun 2010	Re: Last Names? Going a bit off topic but i think it's good to see that allot of Gay/Bisexual people have similar views and it is one i share. Too many people believe the myth that all Gay/Bisexual people are just out for sex and sleep around. Sure some do but not more so than straight people.