Something I've Noticed About Parents

[Revan]

Whether parents are totally accepting of gays or completely against them, there's something I find I've noticed about them when it comes to having gay kids. Well as you know, many parents whose kids have come out often always say "I think I always knew". But before kids come out, those who fear for their kids being hurt, or abused verbally, etc, well they seem to always say certain words especially if they hear about some gay bashing or w/e. Those words being "I hope you're not gay" or "I wouldn't want you to be gay and experience that".

But after reading a topic by Notreallysure just today I've come to possibly realize something that maybe many of you have also realized. After hearing often of gay kids saying their parents said this either before they came out or while they're still in the closet, it's quite easy to say that parents who say this already know that their child is gay. When I talk to straight friends, they tell me how their parents have never said that to them even if they heard or saw a story about a gay bashing, and yet so many gay friends tell me that their parents have said those words. The fact is, it seems parents really do know if their child is gay or not. Now there may be some cases of parents who never say those words, but I think if they say those words at the same time they're kind of saying "I know you're gay".

Just something I noticed, I don't know if anyone else has, but it seems to be the case often...what are others opinions? I'd really like to hear any parents, who have gay children or straight children, on this site put in their two cents because I'm wondering if you've ever said that.

Also I hope none of this is offensive to anyone, I apologize if it is.

[Notreallysure]

A very interesting topic. I'd like to hear what is said also.

[Revan]

Really? 41 people have viewed this and NO ONE has anything to say aside from Nrs

[Steve712]

I would comment on it, but my parents didn't say anything like that, given that my mom is totally accepting and my dad is even more introverted than I am.

[Daniel]

Well...I went through hell in a small religious dairy-farm-town school. (pun actually not intended)

It was a given that my parents would say things about being bullied about my orientation before I came out. Once my mother even tried to work me into coming out to her. When I was 13 however I was in no place to handle that so I did the exact opposite and threw shoes out of my closet at her.

That being said, my parents always let me and my older sister know that it was okay to be gay. Ever since we were little we have known who was gay in our family, who our gay family friends were, and how that was okay. Not only was it wrong to judge people; my sister and I were taught that if two people love each other then it is not our place to stop that love. Love was always better than hate.

I remember a trip to visit my mother's gay cousin and his partner; John and Bill. They loved each other and since I saw that there was nothing wrong in their relationship, there was nothing wrong with being gay.

About a week after I came out, my mother stopped me and told me that John and Bill had the deepest and most loving relationship out of anyone she knew. She wished that I would find my "Bill" some day. And to be just as happy. (Bill passed away, leaving John as a near permanent widower/bachelor.)

In reality, I don't think we can generalize between parents. We have all heard and read horror stories of rejection, and then the opposite stories like mine, where the parents were okay. I've seen parents stop in shear shock from the news and parents move on as if this was old news.

My parents have never said anything at all like that to me, never even mentioned the word gay or anything. I'm pretty sure they have no idea.

I was never told "I hope you're not gay". I was just assumed to be straight and therefore asked stuff like "I bet you that girl who called's mad about you, huh?"

Actually, I don't think a really narrow-minded parent would say to their kid "I don't want you to be gay", because this implies suggesting there's a faint chance the kid might be gay. I think someone who feels disgusted by the thought of it would rather not mention it and pretend their kid is straight right from the start.

[IsItSo]

My parents probably know I'm gay. It doesn't bother me.

[beckyg]

I'm a parent but I never told my children it was okay or not okay to be gay. My Dad definitely told my son that it was not okay to be gay. However, I don't think he knew. I had thought about it several times before my son came out but I always thought it was my imagination running wild. (it occasionally does that! LOL) Afterwards I remembered things that may have been "signs" but who really knows. I really was not sure though until he came out. Maybe my "denial" stage was before that because I really did not go through that. I did express fear to my son about the way the world might treat him and disappointment when I thought he might never get married or have children.

[Maddy]

My parents never really said anything to me either way, about whether it's OK or not. However, both of them were generally accepting of other people being gay, so that did help. The biggest thing my mum was (and is) concerned about is my safety, she worries about my being bashed or about not getting a job because of my sexuality, but she's never said she wishes I wasn't gay.

I've never thought about it, but this completely applies to my experiences. When I officially came out, my Mum told me that she had "known" for a couple of years, but wanted me to come out on my own terms, instead of hers.

A few years earlier, I remember being picked on by one kid because the majority of my friends are girls. I remember telling this to my Mum and talking about how insane he was. As we were talking about this, my Mum said, "I hope you're not gay. That's no way to live your life." Of course, being a closeted 13 year old, I was terrified of coming out at that point. It took two more years to come out to my friends, and an additional year after coming out to my friends to come out to her.

Looking back, I see that my Mum said that because she cared. She saw that I was being picked on for perceived homosexuality, relying on stereotypes. Sure, it wasn't the best way to handle things, but I think it was a last shot at trying to secure my safety, away from the danger she saw in my gay-ness.

[pirateninja]

My parents never said it before I came out, but when I did come out, my mom said "I always knew". Again, after I came out, my dad said "I wish you weren't gay" when he was still in his non-accepting stage, but now he's passed that and often refers to me as "the son he never expected"

Originally Posted by Revan

When I talk to straight friends, they tell me how their parents have never said that to them even if they heard or saw a story about a gay bashing, and yet so many gay friends tell me that their parents have said those words.

I wonder if it's just because gay kids will remember their parents saying these things a lot more than straight kids. I'm not out to my parents yet but I remember EVERY thing they've ever said about gay people (they've not been overly homophobic) in order to judge how they'll react to a gay son. My brother, who is straight, probably won't remember any conversations my parents had about gay people because it doesn't affect him.

[AnneChaos]

Originally Posted by LostandFound

I wonder if it's just because gay kids will remember their parents saying these things a lot more than straight kids. I'm not out to my parents yet but I remember EVERY thing they've ever said about gay people (they've not been overly homophobic) in order to judge how they'll react to a gay son. My brother, who is straight, probably won't remember any conversations my parents had about gay people because it doesn't affect him.

Happens the same with me. I also have a straight brother and he doesn't remember anything at all, about my parents talking about gays. But I do.

They never said any of those things but my father makes fun of gay people (but he doesn't really care about sexuality at all...he just likes making fun of people). I'm in a fase that I'm neither in or out of the closet. I never told my parents "I'm bisexual" but the got it by now, by many things I say/ do. So, they never really talked with me about it...and they don't care at all.

[Revan]

Yeah I think I am big about this because I did find my mother saying that, and when my cousin's best friend came out, she said to me "I hope you're not gay". But the funny thing is she almost kicked me out when I came out and so I'm back in the closet. She knows deep down but she's so in denial she still talks about me having a wife and kids and such....so yeah I brought this topic up partially because of what I've also been experiencing.

[Notreallysure]

I hate to hear how your mother handled it that Revan. This is a really interesting conversation by the way. Thanks for starting it.

[malachite]

other then I agree. i don't really know what to say.

Parents often tell their kids they want them to be happy, as long as it is within what they feel is socially acceptable

[Revan]

Originally Posted by malachite

other then I agree. i don't really know what to say.

Parents often tell their kids they want them to be happy, as long as it is within what they feel is socially acceptable

I know! I don't get it. How can a parent say "I want you to be happy" and yet at the same time they say they dictate how one can be happy. Last I checked happiness is in the eye of the beholder, NOT the beholder's parents >_>

[Steve712]

Well, that's beauty, but happiness is subjective too. :P

Originally Posted by Revan

I know! I don't get it. How can a parent say "I want you to be happy" and yet at the same time they say they dictate how one can be happy. Last I checked happiness is in the eye of the beholder, NOT the beholder's parents >_>

Personally I don't really understand how straight people can be happy, being straight just seems so boring and unfulfilling to me.