coming out to guys

[nisomer]

personally i think its harder to come out to guys, thats why i havent came out to any yet...im afraid that if i do, it would ruin our relationship as friends. but if when i come out to girls it would strengthen our relationship.

i dont know...do you guys feel that when u come out to your male friends that it strengthens ur relationship? like do they act the same around you? different? do they seem to act wierd?

and i also feel that after i come out, i wont be able to have the same type of brotherly love sorta thing that a lot of guys have.

i guess im just wondering what its like coming out to guys, how it changes ur relationship (if at all), and just some stories...lol. oh and maybe one of joey's long socialogist posts

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by nk1114

personally i think its harder to come out to guys, thats why i havent came out to any yet...im afraid that if i do, it would ruin our relationship as friends. but if when i come out to girls it would strengthen our relationship.

i dont know...do you guys feel that when u come out to your male friends that it strengthens ur relationship? like do they act the same around you? different? do they seem to act wierd?

and i also feel that after i come out, i wont be able to have the same type of brotherly love sorta thing that a lot of guys have.

i guess im just wondering what its like coming out to guys, how it changes ur relationship (if at all), and just some stories...lol. oh and maybe one of joey's long socialogist posts

Oh great no pressure or anything!

Well, I didn't really have any kind of "brotherly love" type of relationships with any of the guys I was friends with when I started coming out, so I can't really comment on that from experience, but I would think once they have a chance to work it through, you shouldn't really lose that. It might be that initially they don't really know how to be around you but I would think that ultimately they'd be able to sort through it.

Sociologically speaking (ha!), yeah, guys are kinda primed for having more issues. I think the reason is something a friend was talking about as we were waiting in line to get into a club last night (for 2 hours in the cold--I know everyone is crying for me): guys in Western society are not really all that used to the possibility that they might be sexual objects. Traditionally, this is something women are used to: being the object of the "male gaze" to the point where they feel like they are being made into objects. Heterosexual white guys have the most privilege in our society and generally don't think about, as it was put by my friend, being seen as "pieces of meat." That's somewhat crude but it gets the point across: up until very recently, straight women just didn't feel comfortable expressing lust for men the way men express lust for women. So these men were in a pretty nice position: they got to decide who was worthy of lust and who wasn't and yet were mostly immune to that kind of judgment themselves.

A gay guy completely threatens that because all of a sudden the straight guy has to consider the possibility that he's being looked at, and judged, on his sexual attractiveness. And to be a sexual object is historically to be female, which is even more of a challenge to the guy's "mandhood." So yeah, it's not exactly the most comfortable situation.

Of course, none of your guy friends are going to think about it quite so sociologically or objectively. And the above is generalisation about an arena whose rules are in flux, and have been especially in the last 30 to 40 years. But that's where, I think, that whole straight guy paranoia about being hit on by gay men comes from, and the common assumption that if your guy friend comes out to you and you're a guy, then obviously your friend wants to own your ass.

Ultimately I think what strengthens a friendship is honesty and openness. If you're gay, you don't really have that unless your friend knows that and you feel free to talk about everything that's going on in your life. When I told my guy friends about me, they were generally supportive but it was a little more awkward than telling my friends who were women. That might have been, however, just me: I've always been more comfortable talking about "deep" stuff with women than with men because of a long personal history in which I was bullied by guys, so overall my general impression of "guys" is not terribly good.

One guy friend who I told who I thought for sure I would end up losing over it was actually completely fine about it, so that was a pleasant surprise. I definitely felt like it improved my relationship with him.

Most of the rest of my guy friends didn't really care... one not super-close friend kinda got uncomfortable and was like, "Listen, you don't have to tell me..." and I was like, "But I do, I really do," and told him anyway.

The best response I got which at the time really pissed me off but which now just makes me laugh is my friend from high school who said, "You being gay is like me being Asian." Needless to say, I was not the butchest boy in the world.

I think you just need to explain that you're telling them precisely because they're your friend and you really value, trust, and appreciate them. I think that "why do I have to know" reaction that I got is maybe because people make that (silly) assumption that being gay is about what goes on in one's bedroom, which is private, when really being gay is something that affects most of someone's life, from who they check out and who they make out with to what issues matter to them and how they view the world. If all straight people stepped back and thought about how many times their sexuality "happens" in a regular day, the world might be a better place. But because heterosexuality is assumed to be normal and natural, it becomes invisible, even though it's omnipresent and incredibly pervasive in our everyday lives. As a result, it always seems like gay people are "flaunting it" because their non-majority sexuality sticks out so much. But it only sticks out because most heterosexual people don't think of themselves as even having a sexuality, which as we can all attest is pretty ridiculous.

So I hope that both satisifies the "long sociological post" request and the stories/experiences and thoughts bit. The summary is that think about why you want to tell your guy friends and then try to explain that to them when you tell them. It might be quite the educational experience for them.

That's the next thing about coming out: you're not the only one who has the chance to grow as a person.

[ill fated lover]

2 me if they are really your friend that would be your friend no matter who you are but some ppl arent like that when i kome out 2 my str8 guy friends about me being bi some are ok with it and some are like eww you like guys 2 and sometimes some of them kome out to me bekus they didnt know how 2 and what others would think

[imad]

I think joeyconnick pretty much covered the theoretical aspect of the subject (in a great way, too), so I'll try to stay away from that in this post.

Most of the time, I enjoy coming out to straight guys; it's fun to see the reaction, and at the same time terrifying. It's ironic, but the ones that just accept it have been the least interesting for me.

One of the more interesting ones went something like this:

I was in our high school's library, reading, about an hour before school started. The book was Snow Garden, and I had made a small list on my bookmark of all the characters and short descriptions, some of which included "gay" or "lesbian." A friend of mine came over and we talked for a while. Then he picked up the bookmark, which was lying on the table, and I smiled as I watched his face contort as he read through the list. A few seconds later, he said,"These people should die," implying the homosexuals. I laughed and told him that that would mean that I should die, too. Even though it wasn't blunt, it hit him like a slap in the face . He gave me a funny look and asked me a few times if I was joking. I began reading again after affirming his fears, to let him think it out and to let the shock wear away. Later on he said that it was ok with him.

All my straight friends are ok with me baing gay. Though, it has caused many uncomfortable silences in conversations when the topic gets close to homosexuality.

[GQMan]

I think it is harder to come out to straight guys. It has already been discussed quit eloquently in this thread so I wont repeat.

Although the first person I came out to was my str8 friend. He didnt even flinch. I dont think he really cared. I dont think he believed me at first either. He was a little put off by the idea I was gay and we discussed it and its been ok since. Although I do believe we would have a better friendship if I hadnt have told him. I knew he would except me though. He isnt the type of guy to be homophobic.

[hawkeye]

It definately does feel more threatening to come out to a guy rather than a girl. Girls just dont seem like they would care too much about having a gay friend, while guys on the otherhand always talk as if being gay is wrong. Every time I've come out to a guy, I remember being extreemely scared just after telling them because of what might happen, like if they would shun me forever, which would suck because i do value my friends. Funny thing is, I kinda used this idea when i came out for the first time. My friend i came out to had moved away, but every few months I invite him to stay over. I was pretty stressed out at the time and just felt like i needed to tell someone, and I decided to tell him first because if something did go wrong, he lives 45 minutes away and it wouldnt effect me except for loosing a friend. Thank goodness it did go well, were still great friends.

[nisomer]

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

The best response I got which at the time really pissed me off but which now just makes me laugh is my friend from high school who said, "You being gay is like me being Asian." Needless to say, I was not the butchest boy in the world.

haha thats funny, but also so true!

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

I think you just need to explain that you're telling them precisely because they're your friend and you really value, trust, and appreciate them. I think that "why do I have to know" reaction that I got is maybe because people make that (silly) assumption that being gay is about what goes on in one's bedroom, which is private, when really being gay is something that affects most of someone's life, from who they check out and who they make out with to what issues matter to them and how they view the world. If all straight people stepped back and thought about how many times their sexuality "happens" in a regular day, the world might be a better place. But because heterosexuality is assumed to be normal and natural, it becomes invisible, even though it's omnipresent and incredibly pervasive in our everyday lives. As a result, it always seems like gay people are "flaunting it" because their non-majority sexuality sticks out so much. But it only sticks out because most heterosexual people don't think of themselves as even having a sexuality, which as we can all attest is pretty ridiculous.

Yeah it is pretty ridiculous. I wonder why it has never crossed my mind that many straight people don't ever think about their sexuality...I guess I just assumed that they did.

Originally Posted by joeyconnick

So I hope that both satisifies the "long sociological post" request and the stories/experiences and thoughts bit. The summary is that think about why you want to tell your guy friends and then try to explain that to them when you tell them. It might be quite the educational experience for them.

That's the next thing about coming out: you're not the only one who has the chance to grow as a person.

Yeah I agree. I enjoy all the questions people ask when I come out to them and notice how much they've learned just by me coming out.

and thanks for the sociologist post joey , you know, I've actually been considering majoring in sociology.

more stories anyone??

[CryCrazy27]

sometimes what messes with your head is when you start thinking second thoughts about the things you normally would say/do. ("oh maybe i shouldn't say that cause he knows im gay and it'll be wierd") paranoia.

i dont feel its important to "Come out" to anyone and i really dont like how the gay community makes that a required step or "part of the process". I could ramble on, but i guess i wont be convincing anyone im right, just my opinion.

oh, cliff notes please....on everything...on this site. what is with these novels. :wink:

EDIT: if i repeated something, MYBAD!11!1...just skimmed through most of it.

[joeyconnick]

Originally Posted by CryCrazy27

sometimes what messes with your head is when you start thinking second thoughts about the things you normally would say/do. ("oh maybe i shouldn't say that cause he knows im gay and it'll be wierd") paranoia.

Yeah, that can be kinda weird. I know that happened to me, more in the way I assumed I would just automatically be expected to like certain stereotypically gay things, like dancing, dance music, and clubs. And I think casual sex. And I'm totally into some of that stuff, it turns out, but not so much things like fashion, America's Next Top Model, or AbFab.

Originally Posted by CryCrazy27

i dont feel its important to "Come out" to anyone and i really dont like how the gay community makes that a required step or "part of the process". I could ramble on, but i guess i wont be convincing anyone im right, just my opinion.

I don't think most people (except for the most self-righteous and militant) enforce "coming out" as a required step in some kind of multi-step program. I think it's just that it follows a pretty standard progression of how people discover their non-heterosexual sexualities in Western culture: you realise you're different from most of the other boys and girls, and then you either let people know the way in which you're different or you don't. If you don't, you generally face a lot of stress about not inadvertently letting people know.

At some point, this common pattern got recognised and got labelled as "coming out." So yeah, I can see how some people would be like "you have to come out" but overall I don't think it's external pressure that "makes" coming out desirable; I think it's a result of people wanting to be able to express themselves freely.

[Lone_wolf_1966]

My nickel's worth of free advice is this. Don't come out unless you are prepared to lose every single friend you have, your job and be disowned. I wound up having to move out of state and get another job. Now I live in a place that I don't really like, can't wait to leave though I must admit the pay is good and look forward to putting my life back together. But next time the issue comes up; you had better believe that I won't utter a peep. Now I have had people tell me that if your friends can't handle it, then they aren't your friends but I think that is garbage. Maybe someday in the future they will get over it but I doubt it and so I moved. Anyways, that is my thought on this.

[chaos|blue]

Well, when I came out to one of my guy friends, I just let it out like a normal conversation. After nothing between has changed. It's like I really never told him. But he knows that because I am bisexual that nothing between is going to change. But if I was gay, now I don't know maybe that WOULD be a whole different story?

But as of right now since I came out to him, nothing has changed between us like I said. He hasn't looked at me differently in any way shape or form. Buit hey, that's him. No two people are a like and that's one thing that you have to consider. Different people react differently and there is nothing you can do about.

But you really won't find out unless you tell them for yourself and see their reaction. No one can force you to come to them. This is one thing that you have to do on your own. If you do decide to come to them, then congrats. But if you don't decide to come out, then we understand. If you do come out to them and they don't accept it (I know this might be harsh) but then I don't think they are friend material. I mean what kind of friend doesn't accept you for who you are. Am I righ or....possibly wrong?!

Well, this is what I have to say on my behalf of my experiences. I hope everything does turn out alright for you.

[GQMan]

Well I just recently came out to practically everyone, and most of them were guys, and all of them don't care. Haha, to tell the truth I still flirt heavily with all the hot ones, and its nice to be out. The know where I stand on girls. Its awsome.