So I made a thread a week ago...

Then I requested it to be removed when I'd sobered up the next day.

I had read the replies, and thought they were dumb until I realized I had never posted what I had wanted to a long time ago.

Two years ago, I made a profile on this site. I got rid of this profile after I had a gut feeling I slipped up, and my little secret would be exposed. Paul, the admin, was ever so helpful removing any trace of my account, spending some of his beauty rest awake to do it for me, and for that, I'm very appreciative of him, even until this day.

In 2008 I started having feelings for guys. I dated someone for a while, then didn't, and then went almost a full year. My feelings degraded, and I ended up dating a girl, and have been for over a year now. I went out with her for 2 years prior to all of this. The reason my orientation is set as "Straight" is that sometimes I feel just like that and sometimes I feel other things. In the end, it's just an inside joke, a joke inside my mind. After 2 years, I still can't quite figure out what I am. I'm not sure what's preventing me from doing just that.

I had lots of internal conflict when I was new to all of this. I'm a jock, I was then too. I was a ladies man, and somehow got the label of a man whore. I wasn't, but I'd been naughty a few times aka hookups. I come from an open minded conservative Christian family, and that's how I was raised. My family is pro-gay rights, cool, huh? Well, even with this, I felt a lot of guilt and shit. My world was turned upside down countless times. Last year in spring 2009, I picked up this book that I was recommended by someone I consider a good role model, who co-owns a very popular websites for gay men and women into sports. The book is called "Out of the Pocket" by Bill Konigsberg. This book alone changed my entire outlook on life at that period in time, and since then I've given copies to straight friends who love it, because it's cool. I've recommended it to other gay teens who were and are in my position, and they said it changed their outlook too.

When someone doesn't fit into the role society as molded for them aka stereotypes, they feel scared, worried, and just plain out of it. I rarely use this website, because I feel estranged using it, I don't fit in, and I'm not saying you guys are weird, you're just you and I am me. Over the past few months I've been thinking and got in touch with HRC Los Angeles to do something to benefit anyone who needs help. I've gotten the chance of meeting Mike Manning, from TRW. He's a super nice guy, and I really couldn't believe I got to meet him. I recall restraining myself from pinching his arm to see if he was real.

Anyway, I just made a post in another thread, but I'll repeat myself. I play soccer for a uni in California. I am in the closet, for a multiple valid reasons, including my confusion. I will deny anything if asked, not because I have something to hide, but because I don't want to say something and in the end be something else. I like staying true to my word.

I told myself before my freshman year started, that I would be out by the end of my sophomore year, around spring training time. I didn't live up to that promise. Over the summer I told a few friends I might do it this year, but I can't say I will. I've been trying to find peace within me for over a year and unlock whatever is keeping me from figuring things out.

I don't subscribe to labels, and dislike it when people do too. I am what I am and you guys are what you are.


Now I know some of you will say I should just say something, but I don't have that luxury. My teammates come not only from California, but the entire US, and we have 3 foreign members of our team. If we were food items, I guess we would be a flavor orgy or more appropriately a potluck.


I guess that's it.


P.S. The guy I happened to do gay chicken with, which was just the kissing part, happened to be the guy I dated. Everyone was drunk, so no one really remembers it, except me, I think. It felt really uncomfortable because we didn't remain friends after we broke up, but that's because I didn't feel comfortable talking to him or being a friend, I mean how could I? The awkwardness would be too much.

P.S.S. If you're wondering, yes, she knows my past, and I love her with all my heart, and would never do anything to hurt her in anyway.


P.S.S.S. I don't hang with my teammates outside of practice or games. So while they're important on the field, I don't give a damn who they are to me outside of sports or on break. I prefer being with friends I made in high school.

 

I guess you're right. There's nothing wrong with saying "Haven't figured it out yet", but a lot of people out there don't know how things work, and I guess they'll come up with something that sounds like it was pulled from their ass, if you know what I mean. So yes, fewer questions and it ends the awkwardness quickly and efficiently.

I guess I didn't word it correctly. >,<

I asked the following question to someone a couple of week ago and they responded.

"Why are guys my age who happen to be bisexual or gay, yet are presumed to be heterosexual, are driven to suicide or other-like volatile actions?"

His response.

"... Hard to say but I think it has to do with a feeling of not fitting in... gay/bi guys who are masculine jocks and young often feel isolated from the gay mainstream and fearful of being ostracized by the straight world and the gay world, those aren't strictly different, but you know what I mean. As one gets older and meets more people like them, this fades, but teens especially often feel there is no way out except to act out in some way."

EC never failed me. I'm going to try and explain what I meant without being offensive. Some people believe there is a "gay scene", which includes your not so masculine men, drag shows, makeup wearing, the out of proportion stereotypes applied too all gay or even bisexual men and women, but it's only a tiny minority within another minority. No one tried to convince me anything, but the crowd on EC is not my type, save for about 4 guys off of here. With my internal conflict, I felt like I would ostracized by both heterosexuals who didn't know any better or by bisexuals and homosexuals because I had built a wall of internal homophobia. EC, on the other hand, is a wonderful resource for LGBTQ teens, and will be for years to come.

Without a doubt, I know there are plenty of guys who I've probably grown up with or met, whether they're in super macho position as I am or not, they feel lost in their journey to find who they truly are. I hope this helps your confusing about my post, Lex, or anyone who read this thread.