Predatory Older Men

'Course not. Stereotypes are baised, narrowly focused, surface observations.

Besides, most child molesters (who molest both other-sex and same-sex children) are heterosexual, but this doesn't even mean anything because most people are heterosexual.

 

Agreed, but people are more cautious of older gay men

 

he's not talkin about child molestors (i don't think...)

my take on what he said is this: in my experience, a lot of older men have sexually harrassed me, and have done everything short of forcing themselves on me to get in my pants. well, that one guy did thrust his crotch in my face...

 

Some of them. I honestly think this'll change, though. Most of them will have grown up in certain conditions, when they had to suppress their nature. They never got a chance to fool around with each other when they were still young, and now they're jealous, I think, and want to use young gay men to make themselves feel young again.

Or something. Just a theory.

 

From what I have seen here with the few people we have had to evict and things people have discussed, I would say that a few older gay men do prey on younger guys. It's a minority, but significant enough to be aware of.

The problem we have here at EC is that some older guys may pretend to be younger in order to get into conversations with younger guys, maybe with a view to meeting them in due course. Some are easy to spot and are immediately banned, however others are more difficult and it comes down to looking for inconsistencies in what they say, in the photos they post, etc. We are constantly watching, and usually have one or two members in our sights. If anyone is suspicious about another member (whether something specific or things that just don't seem quite right) please let me or one of the mods know so we can look in more detail.

In gay clubs, where the atmosphere is different and the clientèle tends to be more people who are looking for sex, the sight of a cute young guy will have many older guys drooling. That is not a representative sample of the gay population though, but it is the things that happen at these places that stereotypes are formed from.

I don't think overall it is any worse than with straight guys. Some older straight guys will be after younger girls but the majority won't.

I'm sure you've all heard it before, but if you are meeting someone in person for the first time, no matter how well you think you know them online, always arrange to meet somewhere public. In a shopping centre or something is good as there will be lots of people around and you can agree a specific place and time. The first meeting should remain somewhere public (have a burger or a coffee together) and should not involve alcohol.

 

That's interesting, and sort of fits in with a theory of mine. I think when some (not all) people come out later, say mid 20s onwards, they seem to lose the years between their late teens and coming out. So someone coming out at say 30 may be more interested in guys in their mid-late teens, and as he gets older this 12-15ish year age gap between him and who he is attracted to remains.

I came out when I was 26 and this seems to fit with me. When I first came out I found teenagers very attractive. Now I am generally attracted to guys who are in their late 20s to mid 30s rather than nearer my own age.

Back when I was a teenager things were very different to today. Homosexuality was not generally acceptable, the age of consent in the UK was 21 (and very restrictive even then). It is easier now. Not easy, but easier.

 

I do believe there is some truth in ANY stereotype. As for this one about older gay men, I personally do not "prey" on younger guys, simply because I feel what the heck would they want with an "old bugger" ? I think any older guys who force their attentions on younger guys either refuse to believe they are over a certain age or think they are a gift, which to me is a crock. I do believe it happens and with more frequency than we know. Some people simply do NOT know how to take NO for an answer.

 

i'm not understanding how that works...

 

I have a much older friend (in his seventies) whom I love very much. He has always been really nice to me (in fact, if I'm typing on this computer it's because he gave it to me as a gift) - and he has never, ever said or done anything inappropriate. I highly doubt he would ever. Considering those he has been with, I think I'm too young for him (he's more attracted to guys 40 and older, and he knows he isn't my type)

So, not everyone is like that. Yes, I've had some older guys make moves on me, but nothing really serious.

 

I think what he might be trying to say is that those of us who came out at or after 24-25 yrs old, have somehow not gotten past the years prior (18-24)to that in our minds. Mind you this is more than likely an exception rather than not, but I know a few men around my age (50) who are either in relationships with men that are in their 30s or pursuing men in their late 20's to late 30's.

Same here - Whereas those people I know that came out or never had to come out but were always known, tended to have either settled in with someone closer to our own ages or pursue those in the Mid 40's to 50's range.

I hope this makes some sense..

 

I don't quite understand why the gap would remain as time progresses, but I think what Paul is talking about is commonly labelled "delayed adolescence." Basically, one of the major set of experiences someone goes through during adolescence is dating and learning how to form intimate/romantic relationships with people. If you are non-straight and in the closet during this period, you don't get to go through this (or at least you don't get to go through it with gender-appropriate people, which is pretty much the same as not going through it at all).

So then when you come out, whether it's at 20 or 30 or 40 or 50, you are effectively a super-newbie (aka in this case a teen) to relationships and sex, so you will often see people who come out later in life... well, let's call it "making up for lost time" and basically acting, sexually and relationship-wise, a lot more like they were in their teens than how you would expect someone who is 20/30/40/50/etc to act. I believe most of the people here who have come out later have expressed some variation of this effect.

Essentially, when you come out post-adolescence, no matter what your age, you are just really inexperienced in terms of relationships at that point. So you end up going through an adjustment period afterwards that can seem relatively weird from a mainstream view or even from your own point of view but if you think about it, makes perfect sense. And in a sense the notion of what type of person you're attracted to has probably been stuck at whatever it was in adolescence too because being in the closet involves just a *tiny* bit of denial and nothing stops personal development cold like denial.

But as for that continuing after a relatively time-limited period of adjustment? I think that is probably more to do with the complete youth fetishization that happens so frequently these days.

And with respect to the comment about what a young person might want with an "old bugger," I suspect in the gay context it's very similar to how it works in the straight context (i.e. with young women being attracted and interested in older men): stability, money, security, someone to look after them, the chance be with someone more experienced than you, etc. There is probably sometimes the sense that you are less likely to be left by someone significantly older than you, too.

I met a guy who was 20 a few months ago and he was into me and I was like, "Okay, what do you like about me?" and one of the things he said was that I had my life together. At which I had to laugh because I don't feel at ALL like my life is together on any number of fronts but I suppose to a 20yo who lives at home and is still in university that someone who has their own place and has a career (no matter who much he may or may not like said career) and knows generally what they want and don't want, it would seem like I'm very together.

Or you could simply have the revolutionary occurrence that you meet someone significantly older (or younger) than you and you just "click" with them for whatever reason. I have someone like that in my life and while I was hardly a teenager when we met, I was 26 and he was 46 and maybe that's not a big age difference at that point but my mum certainly thought it was since he was only 8 years younger than her.

I'm sure the mods here can't help but have a somewhat skewed view of the prevalence of predation just because EC would be a place where people who wanted to prey on young people would obviously frequent. Of course there's going to be a higher incidence of people with nasty motives trying to make use of EC than you'd be likely to encounter in the wider world. Kinda like you'd be more likely to find alcoholics in a bar, although perhaps that's not a fair analogy.

And however appropriate or inappropriate it may be of older guys to specifically seek out younger guys (I personally don't get those who EXCLUSIVELY seek out younger guys), there's a difference between wanting to date someone younger than you and being a "predator." Sometimes that's a simple legal distinction based on age of consent (which is not necessarily always a fair distinction if you ask me, because I don't really see anything inherently wrong with a 20yo dating a 17yo yet in a lot of jurisdictions, that would be statutory rape and you could argue the 20yo is a predator) and sometimes you could have a totally legal relationship where the older person is simply using or wanting to use younger people--"use" in the sense of not really caring about their feelings and not being interested in them for anything other than their youth. That's pretty predatory to me.

Then there's the point that should be made that really anybody can be preyed upon/taken advantage of, no matter what their age, so it's completely possible for someone younger to prey on someone older. If that sounds weird, consider the cases of younger men taking advantage of older women for their money. Sounds pretty predatory to me. Or younger women taking advantage of older men. Or really anybody attempting to elicit something valuable from someone else with no thought for the feelings of the other person.

So "predatory older (gay) men?" Sure, there are some. Is it true all the time, or even most of the time, which I think is what most people would think would make the stereotype valid? Not in my opinion--not even close. It's just a very popular stereotype, and very well-spread, and so it's hard to deconstruct or see past.

 

and then there are the younger guys like me who find themselves attracted to guys older than myself. i guess i like the maturity...
and when they flirt with me i do it right back.
i kinda provoke it i guess.
i mean, im not saying like... 40 year old + guys, but cute guys under the age of 30.

thats bad isnt it?

well. the last guy ive fallen for, and my first TRUE huge crush, was 23-24.
he wasnt single either.
but now he doesnt talk to me anymore...
i miss him so much.
[[oh and i suppose i should make this clearer, this guy was by NO MEANS predatory.]]

 

It's so not true.

I think most older men are attracted to a younger body as they are more beautiful, it's only natural. This doesn't make them a predator, it's just a preference. It's too bad that a few perverts have made the public cast older men in a bad light, creating this unfair predator stereotype. Most older men don't force themselves on the young. I rarely hear any news accounts either.

I don't think it's a problem, as most young people wouldn't accept advances made by an older person when there's lots of young people they can get. I'm pretty sure that their family and friends would convince them not to pursue a relationship with an older person, any way.

But there's more to a relationship than beauty and sex. I find that most people in their teens and 20's are hard to put up with, as they are shallow, emotional and far too hyper, this could be another stereotype?. There are good ones, of course. I know I wouldn't like meeting my 20 year old self now, I was so arrogant.

I've never had a relationship with a younger person, I only have my experience from working with them. They are nice to look at, but not to socialize with.

It's too bad that we all have to get old. Age discrimination is a real issue in our society and this is one form of it. You become invisible once you hit your 40's, which still seems young to me.

 

in my case its the other way around i seem to b only attracted to older guys, its like with the life experience and stuff like that. like there is this one guy and hes so damn hot and the age gap is well a bit over 10 years. but the thing is hes sexy smart and u can talk to him about anything. but i guess older guys just turn me on and well he is candian which makes it way more hotter

 

Oh if only it were over the age of 40 that people started treating others as invisible. I've known people who treated people over the age of 25 or 30 as invisible! And I don't think that's a gay thing, although in my case it's happened in a gay context but that's because... well, I'm gay. *grin*

I just think it's such a stupid attitude because if there is one thing we can all be certain of, it's that we're ALL getting older every second. Plus if someone is younger or older than someone else, that's the result of nothing more or less than pure random chance. No one who's younger than someone did anything themselves to MAKE themselves younger, and no one who's older than someone did anything themselves to MAKE themselves older. It's just chronological coincidence. Yet in variety of situations, people pride themselves on being older or younger than others, when really they had absolutely NOTHING to do with whether they're older or younger than those people. It's like priding yourself on having straight teeth or great cheekbones. Sorry: yes, you're lucky but no, it's not something you achieved or accomplished. Well not unless it involved braces or plastic surgery, at least.

 

I really hav no personal experience but i settle on there being the amount as straight guys and that predetors do exist, ofcourse.

I think age doesn't have too much to do with it because there are predators of all ages. Maybe it's more noticable with older men.

 

This is why I am going to stay fit as I age so that I never become the "gross old man."

 

Same with older straight men. It's not exclusive to us. I guess inside the community that stereotype probably comes from different reasons though like some people here said.

 

I don't think this is specific to the gay community, there are 'dirty old men' out there, always have been always will be.

I don't think it is a question of age especially but more of what joeyconnick said

For me the 'dirty old man' thing is a way weak people manage to prey on what could be percieved as 'weaker' people simply because they are not old enough or experienced enough to defend themselves as well as an older person.