Vulnerability inherent in gender variance and perceived homosexuality.

[maverick]

It seems like the most "visible" members of the LGBTQ community (effeminate men and transgendered folk) are the ones who receive the most direct criticism from immediate family and strangers. Okay, that's not that strange - visibility makes you a target, right?

But the thing that astounds me are the number of parents of gay children who disown their kids when they come out, try to beat it out of their child, send their child to reparative therapy, try to shame their child out of it, completely refuse to talk about it, over-emphasize gender stereotypes (trying to macho up a "sissy boy" or "prissify" a tomboy), and so on, and so forth.

In a lot of cases, these people show signs of homosexuality at a young age. Which means that those parents watch these kids "grow up gay". They know their kid is different, and that it's not a decision but an expression of self. They see the signs. It's not just a mother or father's disquieted feeling that something is different about one of their kids, something they can brush off or ignore. It's something everybody can see.

So how can parents make the above abuses towards a child who does not suddenly "go gay", but who has been that way their whole lives? The four year-old little boy who insists he is a girl. The only girl on the wrestling team whom the other PTA parents snicker about. Is it just a lashing out on their part, due to fear and humiliation? Do they honestly feel so strongly against homosexuals that they will drive them from their ranks regardless of familial bonds? How large a role does religion play?

I guess I just don't understand how those parents can place either blame or choice, or commit abuses against those children, having known them all their lives and having supposed loved them all their lives. In theory, they should know their child not as "my firstborn faggot" but as Stephanie, Ryan, Luke, Ashley, or whoever that child is as an individual, not a stereotype.

Thoughts? I know there are a lot of counterexamples to this, but I don't think anyone can deny that transgendered people or people who fall on the extreme opposite end of the gender spectrum in behavior/appearance than their biological sex are more at risk for abuse both in and out of the home. More likely to be disowned, more likely to be murdered by strangers.

Thoughts? I know it's kind of rambly, but it's something I've been thinking about.

[adam88]

Most parents have dreams for their kids, and in most cases, those include white picket fences, a number of kids (with a decimal point!), job as a doctor or lawyer etc. When their firstborn son (yeah! A guy! We're gonna play catch and go to the game and...) shows signs of being different (as you put it), it's like their dreams have been shattered. Everything is different. So, they react, and as you stated tend to overcompensate in that they often try to "re-educate" their kid in gender roles, forcing their effeminate son to play football (It'll grow some hair on your chest!) for example.

Some parents thankfully learn that raising a child isn't about their dreams, it's about letting their child realize their own dreams for themselves.

[mnguy]

Hmm, interesting, why would they react so violently when the kid comes out when they've seen this coming for the kid's whole life? It would be interesting to have an accurate poll on how parents took the coming out when they had suspicions all along. I would guess if they saw "signs" and they were the bigoted type, they would have been trying to change the kid all his/her life and that kid might get pretty messed up. Turn into a bully, drugs, repression, depression, etc. I think the parents who go nuts when a kid comes out didn't suspect and it's a huge shock or they wanted to ignore it and now it's become real and they're scared. I dunno, it's a sad situation no matter why some parents are asshats

[thedreamwatch]

DEFINITELY NOT saying that I agree with what some parents do to their LGBTQ kids, but honestly I sometimes wonder if it's a misguided attempt to save their children from the harm that a judgmental society can inflict on them.

I mean, yeah, some parents are homophobes or whatever and nobody's LGBTQ kid deserves that kind of abuse just for being who they are, obviously, but I guess if it's more about wanting your kid to not have to deal with the hate from the rest of the world, I can ALMOST be understanding on that point. As long as it's not about the parent's "image".

[Zontar]

I think what you're describing is why flamers exist. Boy comes out, parents enforce stricter gender roles...boy rebels by gender-bending and acting deliberately "gay", etc.

[aidan]

Originally Posted by thedreamwatch

DEFINITELY NOT saying that I agree with what some parents do to their LGBTQ kids, but honestly I sometimes wonder if it's a misguided attempt to save their children from the harm that a judgmental society can inflict on them.

I mean, yeah, some parents are homophobes or whatever and nobody's LGBTQ kid deserves that kind of abuse just for being who they are, obviously, but I guess if it's more about wanting your kid to not have to deal with the hate from the rest of the world, I can ALMOST be understanding on that point. As long as it's not about the parent's "image".

maybe it's just me, but judging someone to the point of abuse to protect them from judgement seems counter-productive and hypocritical. i really can't understand that at all, they sound just as bad, if not worse, than the people they're trying to protect them from.

[thedreamwatch]

Originally Posted by caractacus

maybe it's just me, but judging someone to the point of abuse to protect them from judgement seems counter-productive and hypocritical. i really can't understand that at all, they sound just as bad, if not worse, than the people they're trying to protect them from.

That's exactly what I said. I'm just saying that being able to accept your LGBT kid right away that very minute that they come out is hard, and that it's hard for parents to know that their kids are probably going to struggle and that there are people out there who would deny them their rights, hurt them and condemn them.

I'm not excusing abuse of any kind, I think it's a shitty way to go about anything and not likely to succeed in keeping a relationship with your kid and not likely to succeed in making your kid straight or "normal" (and I use that term loosely).

[Aya McCabre]

If a person spends the last ten or twenty years of their life trying to 'straighten out' their child only to find that they still identify as gay, then that means they failed. It could be that they're just desperate to find someone to blame so that it isn't their fault. They tried their best to make their child 'normal' and now they will do anything to avoid admitting that their best wasn't good enough.

[Eleanor Rigby]

I suppose this happens because even nowadays, many people do believe that being gay is not innate and that it is a matter of education. So I suppose that when they spotted in their children things that make them think they can be gay, some parents do whatever their can to try to "straighten them up" so to speak. I suppose they imagine that they are being tought for the good of their children when in fact, they're just bullies...
I clearly remember my uncle accusing me to try to "turn is son into a faggot" when my cousin was 4 because I let him play with my make-up (he especially enjoyed lipstick).
Now, except from liking make-up (but I suppose this was just is artistic side awoken, he always liked to paint and I suppose it's what he associate make-up with when he was little) my cousin didn't do anything effeminate and (as far as I know) he is not gay. But that is symptomatic of some people's way of thinking I guess.
My uncle, an educated man who is an engineer, truly believes that playing with make-up could turn his 4 years old son gay (wich I found ridiculous, even when I was 15), a belief he shares with my aunt, an english teacher...
I think this is mainly a matter of education. Some people are so ineducated about what it is to be gay or transgender that they keep carrying misconceptions about it, and unfortunatly are making their gay or transgender (or even straight) children miserable thinking they're doing that for their good