My views on adoption.

Wow, that's so different to one of my best friends' experience... His birth family was abusive to him, and he was removed from their care when he was five. When he actually got adopted, he was almost seven. The couple who adopted him did actually let him choose his own name. They also told him he didn't have to call them "Mom" and "Dad," but he wanted to anyway. He always tells me that he remembers what it was like before he was with them, and that he doesn't know where he would be if they hadn't turned up.

Still, everyone has very different experiences with sensitive things like adoption. I'd love to hear your story, it sounds intriguing. I must say, I really like your idea of being more like a "mentor" than a stereotypical "parent" to child. That's always been one of my dad's goals with me, and I'd like to be a mentor to a child (whether biologically mine or not) at some point as well.
I don't really understand those parents who go completely nuts over their children. It just seems a little, well, psycho.

 

I thoroughly agree. I am adopted along with three of my birth siblings. We happened to be lucky and were adopted when I was 5, and was told whatever I wanted to know about my birth family. The fact that an aspiring child is not allowed to know his past, or to find some information about his past should be by some adults should be against the law.
However, my view on parenthood are slightly different. To me a parent (besides being the one who birthed me) is someone I love for teaching me, mentoring me, and being an active part of my life. For ten years, my mom (the one who adopted me) remains my mother because I've grown to trust her and everything she does. My father, who recently is in the process of divorcing my mom after 17 years of lying to her about money, relationships, pornography, and everything else horribly imaginable has declined into just a mere aquantance by now (sp? lol). Not to say I would do this readily to anyone one else in my family. I did so because of his actions towards me and my siblings after they broke up. but now i'm on a tangent.

so back to the name aspect. I agree with some of your points. I was able to choose my name. I think that any child should have the option about keeping their own name or taking on another. If they are too young, then they should be made aware of it at an early enough age if possible and given to the choice by changing it.

the whole adoption is pretty twisted in itself in my opinion. Children are torn from their siblings and sometimes innocent parents for no reason at all. They say thier goal is to unite families and to make the transition as least tramatic as possible, when in fact it is the opposite. I live in a community of adopted/adopting families, and I can see everyday proof of it.

One sick aspect of adopting and foster families is the fact that some families only take in children in order to get the small sum of money given to help care for them. They then neglect the children. Teens especially are in a vulnerable state after because they are sometimes so confused about why they were given up by their birth parents. many are just kicked out onto the streets after aging out of the system. Very few recieve any help in any way in starting a decent living after their tramatic experience.

I will second Dougieboy's statement that maybe one day i'll open up and share my hardships with adoption and my story but for now your replies and opinions are welcome. Questions too, if i find them appropriate to answer.

 

Adopting is probably the only way I can have kids, but I wouldn't want to hide anything from them.... the issue is whether or not I would have anything to tell them. The way the adoption system is run means that the birth parents can chose to reveal nothing, give no information and close the door to any future contact. I doubt that I will have a choice to tell my kids about their birth families. I don't expect to know the details.

And I disagree that we own our names. I didn't chose my name, and it makes no difference to me if it was given when I was born or changed when I was too young to remember. The only name I own is the one I chose, and that name isn't legal. If it bothered me I'd change it, other people should too.

 

i agree that kids shouldn't be controlled by their parents but mentored. My real dad never let me do the sort of things i wanted, i was forced to do all kinds of sports i didn't want to and was never encouraged to do art or sing or any of the things i wanted to. That being said i don't think that is an adoption issue that is a parent issue.

As far as parents are concerned i would consider them the person who loves cares for and mentors you. I don't consider my biological father my parent or really a dad, he only is called one out of habit. My moms boyfriend however i have known for 2 years and i consider more of a father and a parent than my own biological dad. My dad was abusive, he was homophobic, and an all around terrible person. My mom's boyfriend has helped me more as a person in these 2 years than my dad ever did over my entire life.

As for letting adopted kids know about there birth parents that is tricky. I think that an adopted child should be informed they are adopted and if they want to know about their biological parents they should be able to be informed but that has to be incredibly hard for someones adoptive parents to deal with. They must feel like the kid that they have raised and loved like their own wants to replace them or they worry if they will be loved less or if they will lose their child to the biological parents. In reality in most cases the biological parents is not fit to care for their child to so i can see why they may not want their child to open that channel of communication.


Now coming back to your issues, as it seems that is what this post is really about more so than your adoption stance
- you have to understand that when people are trying to protect other people that is exactly what they are doing, trying to protect you. It doesn't always work and it can end in disaster but they feel the other option is more damaging and are looking out for your best interest in their own eyes wether you feel the same way or not
- if your having trouble with your adoptive parents than let them know whats bothering you, the only way to fix it is communicate
- parent is usually something a kid decides not the "parent" when you adopt and if you love and support your kid they will decide if they consider you their parent and i don't think it would be right for someone to adopt a child and go "but i'm not your parent" that would seem a little messed up and confusing to the kid imo

 

It seems you stress that in order to be a parent then you must really be that persons biological parent. If that is what you are claiming then I disagree. I think a parent is someone who takes care of you, loves you, and accepts you. I am a sperm doner myself but I've never had the idea in my mind "your not my real dad" because that's the only male figure in my life that ever took care of me.

 

In my eyes the parents is who raises a child. An adoptive parent who loves their child, does everything for them, tries their best to raise them correctly, puts them through school, pays for college, buys them their first car etc etc, puts a house over their head, puts food on the table, generally provides the love and support a child needs whilst growing up. You can't tell me someone who does all that is not the parent. In my eyes they are more the parent than the biological parent ever can be. The biological parents are just a quirk of when two people had sex.

I appreciate for whatever reason you have a bad perception of adoption, but the implication that all adoptive parents are worse than biological parents is, i feel, unjust and untrue.
I vehemently refute that two loving adoptive parents who do all that are worse than two biological parents who treat their kid badly.

Also, on the issue of parenting in general, i think a child needs a parent, not just a mentor. I think growing up a child needs someone to guide it and make the hard decisions that a child is simply not capable of making. A mentor can't provide that, but a parent can.

 

I disagree with the idea that your biological parents are your only real parents. My dad was a terrible person, he treated my mother and I terribly. I don't look at him as my dad, just as a sperm donor basically. My life would've been better off if I never knew him. My mother is the only parent I've ever had.

I believe that adoption can really help a lot of people. I mean, yes there are always kids taken away unfairly. But think about the kids who are growing up in a crackhouse, or with abusive parents, or with parents who can't afford to feed them or who are growing up neglected.

I think parents should discipline their kids when they do something wrong. Nothing physical of course, but a time-out or a week without a cell phone never killed anyone.

In terms of making their kids do things they don't want to, that's not fair to the kid. But I'd rather grow up being forced to play a sport I hated, than be neglected or abused. The parents should let the kids express themselves, my dad never wanted to pay for anything, so I never got to play sports as a kid.

 

I feel that gay adoptive parents have a long way to be accepted in North American culture. This video makes me proud to have a dutch heritage though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qf0puHJ-KM

 

and my view...

Adoption is wonderful and i'm glad it exists. If anything, it is too expensive... (but then, i understand the reasons for the high price involved). Without it, children who would otherwise have no parents at all would struggle to avoid a potentially disastrous and abused life (like being sold into sexual slavery and whatnot), or even death in youth.

I will never have biological children. This is a personal choice. (see here) I feel it is morally unjustifiable because of two reasons... #1 how absurdly overpopulated the world is. #2 how many babies out there will otherwise grow up without any parents at all, doomed to a life of poverty (i would certainly adopt an orphan, from as undesirable a place as i could find), at best. Instead of creating an entirely new person, i can make life for one that already exists infinitely better. It's better for both the world and the child that way. Therefore, the only way i will ever become a parent is through adopting.

You do have control over your own name. Even if your parents don't want to let you change it (which many would, including me if i were a parent), you can now legally change it whenever you like. If i adopted a baby with a pre-existing name, i wouldn't change it.

Many parents are perfectly honest with their adoptive children from day one, which if i one day become an adoptive parent, i will be too.

There will always be bad parents, adoptive or not. Even if you do feel that your parents aren't good to you, you shouldn't let what you see as a couple of bad eggs ruin the whole concept of adoption. It does wonderful things for countless thousands of children.

As for foster parenting, that's a different kettle of fish all together, i've yet to form a strong opinion either way on the subject.

 

Adoption needs a price like animals need a price. "Hey, free baby! Naaaw isn't he cute? Let's keep him."

 

I think adoption is as valid a form of parenthood as the usual way. In some ways more valid, since the child can never question as to whether their parents wanted them etc. My mother is adopted, and absolutely adored my Grandfather and Grandmother (Which they are to me, despite the lack of similar DNA). She is by far closer to her parents than I will ever be with mine.
It's terrible that you've had an unfortunate experience with adoption, but I think to take away any chance a child has of a loving home is wrong too.

I do somewhat object to the idea that many people have that your birth parents are your REAL parents. Your parents are the people who raise and care for you, as far as I'm concerned. Whether they do a crappy job or not is up to them, and while it's unfortunate the child may have to pay, it's better than an entirely loveless childhood.

 

The issue of parenting eh?

In general, I feel that it's a tradeoff between Long Term Survivability and Short-Term Utility.

When parents impose decisions on children that they deem will benefit the children's long term survivability (i.e. education), they generally would increase the 'long term survivability' of their children because they would know more about it than the children.

However, when these decisions are being imposed upon, the children have to forgo their own self-interest and hence sacrifice short term utility.

If I were to be a parent, I'd probably use this formula:

Expected value of Survivability (S) = Chances of imposed action affecting survivability * Impact on Survivability

Expected value on utility (U) = Forgone utility for having the imposed action

If S>U, then impose the action.

So say for mandating sport lessons. What are the chances of mandating sport lessons having impacts (a healthier physique, less bullying(?), better coordination, etc)? And what are the implications of such impact (how bad is it to have a less buff body)? Each impact is evaluated individually and aggregated for the expected value. And the impact is based on the imposed action. I.e. Take into account that if the child grows up to be a physically weak adult, he/she can tackle the situation then.

Then compare it to how much the child hates having mandatory sport lessons.

And walla, mathametical decisions in life

 

It's a few thousand dollars to adopt domestically in australia. That pales in comparison to the cumulative average of $200,000 (ish?) it will cost you to raise a kid from 0 to 18 though. The initial cost is trivial enough that it shouldn't put people off doing a good deed, if they think about it.