Secret Lovers?

No I don't think I ever have... well except having to keep certain things secret from my parents or his parents kind of thing. But nothing where I've been with someone who shouldn't have been with me because...

Oh, yes. Actually. I guess I have. Because way back when (and I'd definitely believe it will stay in the past) I cheated on two different boyfriends, so I guess both of those would qualify as secrets. But I told both of them soon after.

The sad thing (sad as in pathetic) is in both cases, it wasn't that I loved the other person in the "affair" (they were both one-off things so it's not like they were ongoing "affairs"). It was just me being weak and stupid.

What have I learned? Well, I've learned that it's really not worth it to put my desires above other people's feelings. Which should be obvious, you'd think. I mean, when I think about what I'd feel like if someone I loved cheated on me... that puts it into just a little too much perspective. And so yeah, it makes me very disappointed in myself when I look back at it--how could I have knowingly caused people I cared about so much pain?

And in the first case, I was with the other person in order to give myself an excuse to break up with the guy I was dating, which is about the most cowardly move I can think of, looking back on it. And I think that's what most "affairs" or "cheating" are... it's the person doing the cheating being weak and not having the ethical/moral fortitude to actually have the decency to actively hurt another person by breaking up with them. Instead they get all passive-aggressive about it and hope that somehow it will all work out fine, which it never does.

Which I'm sure in most cases seems like being considerate of their partner at the time but in reality is just heaping betrayal upon injury. Honesty is always the best policy in these cases, because if a relationship gets to the point where one of the two people is with or considering being with someone else, there is stuff going on that can only be addressed through honesty. It's an often-bitter but very potent tonic.

 

Yep, didn't stay secret very long... until my ex found out.

joeyconnick said it all, that's (almost) exactly what happened with me.

 

never have and hopefully never will, if i dont like sum1 then i do tell them even if i know it will hurt them. i dont do it to be horrible just they have visions of us being best friends and running along the beach in a dream like state and i dont like em so tht will never happen so i tell em, well its happened once but i assume same will happen in a relationship, i can be amazinly blunt at times.

so if i was thinkin about an affair then id break up the relationship first if it was what i wanted

 

Uhm. Uh yes. I feel bad.
I very recently made a promise to myself to never, ever date a woman who would put me down, hit me or objectify me again. Every relationship that I was in, that I considered serious, was where my girlfriend was hitting me. I'd stay with these women for a month and a half to five months and cheat on them with someone who wasn't hitting me, but never tell them I was cheating on them.
I won't do that anymore. At all.

 

Yes, I have been, and it's no fun. At first I thought it would be cool to run around with this guy who had a girlfriend (he was bi), but after about a week I realized it was more trouble than it was worth.

 

Um - unfortunately I did that WAY too often in the last couple of years of my marriage. It wasn't fun - it just about drove me insane. It was extremely hurtful for my wife when I eventually told her. At the time I thought it was totally justified - I needed to 'experiment' with men. In hindsight though - I needed help. It was VERY wrong.

 

We, as a society and a species, have a problem communicating. Humans have had a spoken language for about 50,000 years and writing has been pretty common for 10,000 or so years. But we still cannot use it to express abstract ideas. Added to communication difficulties is the fact that sex drives seem to be built into our genes and we can no longer change that than we can our blood type. Desiring multiple partners, whether in the case of serial monogamy or simultaneously also seems to be built into our genetics. People who are truly bisexual have a double dose of difficulty. We must learn to communicate our feelings but before we can get to that point we must understand our own nature. Affairs should not be necessary but we as a society have painted ourselves into a corner. You should not feel guilty for your feelings, that is how God made you if you need to get religious. You should feel guilty is you are breaking promises that you made to somebody else.

 

I dont know if its cheating if the person you are with is cheating on you too and was cheating first..... Thats what happened to me with my marriage and the relationship with I was in after. Not sure if it was cheating as I was hooking up with someone that was a friend when the person who I was with was found out to be cheating on me. To be honest I should have just ended the relationship and moved on rather then seek comfort in the arms of someone before it was over but still the whole was it cheating thing bothers be because I loath the idea of cheating and know all too well the pain it causes.

 

Personally, I've never cheated on anyone, never had an affair, etc. etc. I'm very self-destructive as it is and I wouldn't be able to handle the constant guilt that would come with it. The relationship I'm in now, however, is one that was, until recently, completely secret to everyone except for me and the other person.

-Any- sort of secret hurts-it might feel fun at first, like you said, but affairs and secret relationships are painful and emotionally (and possibly physically, depending) unhealthy because they simply aren't -stable-.

Secrets hurt the people around you, for one, because in our modern day society nothing is ever truly -secret-;when it comes to affairs, there will be suspicions, and even when you think something is secret, chances are that there are a good handful of people who know anyway. All it does is put up a thin barrier between you and those people-one that can only be broken by the truth.

...aaand I just realized this thread is just about four years old. Oh my. Nonethless, I certainly hope things have worked out/will work out for you.

 

that would be cool as hell to have especially during the holidays.

 

I've had secret lovers before, yes. Not ones that were otherwise married though...

... Though I did date a married couple, with their knowledge and consent.