Why is it that when I finally feel like I'm turning a corner and accepting that I am different, I get depressed. Not just a little "stuck in a ditch" depressed, I mean close the blinds, turn off the lights, watch movies and be depressed. I'm in grad school, I have a promising future/career; yet, I'm not happy at all. I'm not straight, I was raised Catholic (still slightly devout), and considered to be straight by everyone else. I just want to get into the car and drive, and not stop. I'm tired of feeling like sad, but it seems to be the only thing I can do.
Well, it's normal to feel that way, i'll give you that. I'm feeling that way too about being gay. maybe not as extreme as you are stating yourself to be but still pretty darn depressed. No one can figure out why you are really depressed except yourself. Try writing down how you are feeling at this moment. Do some free writing, so write down whatever comes to mind. Begin by writing down, "I feel depressed, but I don't know why. Is this because of..." etc. It really helps to organize your thoughts and it helps to soothe you. Afterall, no one knows the root of your sadness better than yourself. Since you are also a grad student, I can safely assume that your school probably has a counseling center that you make use of if you feel comfortable enough to talk in person with someone about this. But if I had to guess what's bugging you, is that you are ashamed because you are scared about being judged by others since others already perceive you to be straight. You say that you want to be alone watching movies and just drive off. You don't sound too thrilled to fully embrace and have the confidence to say that you are gay. But either way it's ok, you have all the time to figure it out. I'm sort of in the same boat as you are in, so don't feel so beaten up about this. Cheer up!
Welcome to EC! It's not an uncommon phenomenon. (Just realized how hard that is to say out loud.) Life in the closet, especially when religious, can be hard to handle. Because it means keeping a rather large part of your life hidden, wondering what's on the other side of the revelation. Will people stick with you? How will they react? And how will your life change afterwards? I was raised Catholic as well, but my parents took it extremely well. They still love me, they love my partner as much as I do, and now that everything's aboveboard, life is a lot simpler and happier. Lex
