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"Best" Friend Problem

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Indiana Juno, Jun 3, 2011.

  1. Indiana Juno

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    I have this friend, let's call her Abby.

    I've been friends with Abby for going on 5 years. She's the first person I [successfully] came out to, and we've been through hell and back with/for each other. I used to be able to tell her anything, act in any way or just be ridiculous around her.

    Lately, things between us seem different. We had a huge blowout back in October but we made up. She said she felt she had to keep her guard up with me, and I felt the same about her. She said things in the fight like, "I don't know why I listen to your problems, it's always the SAME thing."

    She'd gotten angry with me for "ditching" her a lot to spend time with my boyfriend (who was my first legitimate relationship with another guy). One time, she wanted to hang out and, it being my BF's 3rd to last night before College, I brought him along. She would ignore his comments completely, or, when he began to talk, she would begin saying something, leaving him to feel like the odd man out. Then she proceeded to call a community college degree a "fucking joke" - which I've finished and which my BF had gone to the year before. She said nothing against us directly but she pulls passive aggressive shit like that all the time.


    She goes to a very nice school, you see. She's got her degree, and spends all her time talking about her career and school and what scholarship program she wants to get involved with or what internship...yada yada yada. And though I never used to think it a chore to sit through, it's ALL she talks about now. And I'd be okay with that, hearing about my friend's life.

    But it's not always reciprocated. Recently I made a music video as part of an application process for an internship I wanted to take part in ( I want to be a film editor). Literally while I put it on and began watching it, I realized I was the only one watching the video. She was texting, looking at the facebook photos she uploaded, etc.

    I didn't say anything. I left her school and when I got home, simply texted her, "next time I show you a video, could you watch it without the distractions?" She never responded or attempted to contact me after that. I wasn't inclined to seek her attention, either.

    I began talking to a friend of hers that she was at school with, and that's when she suddenly became interested in talking again, chastising me for communicating with her friend and not with her.

    When I was at her school, she spent a lot of time with her boyfriend and with her ex-boss who she was fucking. I drove 4 hours to see my friend at school and had to listen to her rant about her sex life with the two guys she was playing. She would also run off at random times to go screw them. I spent little to no time with just her. Again, not that I'd mind, but she claimed I had the same problems over and over again, so it wasn't worth her time to listen. I found myself wondering why I'm such a good listener when she's not.

    She gets angry at me for spending time with my first legitimate boyfriend while she's in town. Yet she ditches me after I drove 4 hours to see her, to go fuck 1 of 2 guys. She hated listening to my relationship troubles, but she spends ALL her time talking about her sex life. She's not interested in what I can do creatively, but I listen to her talk ad nauseum about her boring academics.

    The other day we hung out and she spent the time looking at her phone (which she seems to do increasingly - last time I visited her I made her leave her phone in the car at dinner). It's almost like she's not interested in anything I have to say.

    I would say something walking side by side with her, hear her laugh, and then realize it's because "Oh Jeremy said something funny". This happened a few times. We would be talking, until I looked over and realized she wasn't paying attention.

    Normally, when you cut yourself off in the middle of a sentence because the person you were talking to is otherwise engaged, the person has the courtesy of at least saying, "sorry, what were you saying?" Nope. It's like she didn't notice I was speaking in the first place.

    To top this, she has flipped out in the past over little things. One night we were hanging out, and a friend drunk dialed me. It took me a few minutes to get this person off the phone, but she FLIPPED the fuck out, saying it's rude that I spent so much time on the phone while we were hanging out.

    I want to tell her all this - about her hypocrisy. How I'm starting to see her as more of a fake friend.

    I feel like she thinks herself morally superior just because she'll have a law degree in a few years, and I've only graduated from Community School. I miss the friend I used to have, and if talking it out will get that back, that's what I'll do. But I think anything I say will sound too accusatory to her. She gets very defensive if she perceives an "attack".

    Any of you guys deal with a friend like this? How did you handle it, and did it end well or badly?
     
  2. djt820

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    Wrong forum first off but just tell her how you feel or it'll just keep happening. Don't hold anything back but be calm and civil whilst explaining your feelings. If she doesn't care or gets defensive towards you, then she isn't worth the time; move on. People change and if she changed into an asshole, then it's time to find new friends unless she does in fact want to listen and hear you out.
     
  3. Markio

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    I can kind of relate. I have had a tendency to stick with friends or activities even after they were no longer fun to be around. After awhile I just started asking myself, "Do I gain anything out of this relationship/activity, or is it more hassle?" If it's more hassle than beneficial, then I would start making other friends.

    If you think confronting her would save this friendship, you could ask her what she is getting out of your friendship. Because it feels like she does not listen or make an effort to pay attention to you when you are together. Or something like that, that's just what it sounds like you are experiencing with her. Good luck.