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Kat's Poetry

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Hemera, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. Hemera

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    Hey everyone. I will be posting my poetry here. I would love comments and constructive criticism.
    This first one is dedicated to my grandmother and my friend Emily.
    My grandma died in March of 2005 and this was one of the ways that I am able to get over that loss
    Emily inspired me to write this because she lost her grandmother last year and we somehow were talking and got on the topic of death.

    Goodbye
    I wish I could forget you
    As I look towards the empty chair
    I wish I didn't feel so empty
    Just a feeling of despair
    I just can't forget you
    You caused me so much pain
    It was unintentional
    Unavoidable
    I pack your stuff away

    I wish I could talk to you once more
    I held your hand as you left
    ...without saying goodbye
    I couldn't see you after that
    The feelings masked for so long
    I cannot face them

    There is some good in these twisted events
    You are reunited with your long lost love
    I know you will watch over me
    I know just that much
     
    #1 Hemera, Jun 13, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2011
  2. Hemera

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    here's another one :slight_smile: Please comment

    in that one moment
    it takes just one moment to make it welcome
    to change a life
    a tiny action no one has to know about
    something like screaming out
    or getting help
    as I lay here on the ground
    broken
    beaten
    bloody
    lifeless and cold
    begging for help
    that seems as if it's never going to come
    Until you held out your hand
    and picked me up off the ground
    with a smile on you face
    it wasn't needed
    it was welcome
    it revived my viewpoint on life
    and liberty
    it helped me live another day
    another week
    the outlook was what was needed
    and that's what the smile offered
     
  3. Daryn

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    I wish I could get my grandma to read your poem. The first verse almost made me cry! Beautiful.
     
    #3 Daryn, Jul 8, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2011
  4. Hemera

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    Awe thanks. I wish my grandma could read it as well
     
  5. Daryn

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    I'm sorry about your grandma (*hug*) Mine lives about 5 minutes away from my house and I haven't seen her in months. I'm afraid that I won't ever get to make up with her so I identify with your poem through that.
     
  6. Hemera

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    (*hug*) it's okay
    and I can definitely see it from that point of view.
    I don't know what happened but all I can say is try, somehow, because if you don't sooner or later you never will be able to an it'll be to late.
     
  7. Katelynn

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    I really thought that both of your poems are beautiful. Your first poem I can really relate to, as I felt a lot of the same way when when grandfather died (he's about the only one in my family who ever just accepted me for who I am, no questions asked, regardless of what everyone else's criticism of me were), so I really miss him too. Thank you so much for sharing both of your poems Kat. I think you're very talented and I wish I could write like that as a way to express myself...
     
  8. Steve712

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    If I have one criticism it's to make your writing more concise. The theme of the second poem, especially, could be conveyed in probably half as many words. In poetry, unlike some genres of prose, it isn't length that matters so much as density.
     
  9. Hemera

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    Here's another two, I rarely type up my poems so I believe it's the last ones I do have typed up.

    You Say That You Love Me
    You touch me and I melt into you
    You look at me and I can't look away
    You make my heart beat fast without even trying
    You make it hard for me to say no
    You hold me in yours arms so tight
    You say you love me and will never let me go
    You call me just to tell me goodnight
    You hold my heart in you hands
    You tell me we need a break
    You tell me that I am free
    You say you will explain later
    You say that you still love me

    I say that I love you too
    I find myself without words
    I find my unable to speak
    I'm confused
    I thought I was all you wanted

    I mean that's what you told me

    What did I do wrong?

    You broke me down
    You hurt me and now you don't even care
    What exactly was I to you?

    Alone
    Broken, run down, and confused
    I gave you everything that I could
    Left out in the dark
    You took everything that I had
    You left me all alone
    Enclosed in a tomb
    I weep
    You turn your head away
    Ignoring my cries for you
    While I'm locked in this casket
    Without you

    Both of these were written after my girlfriend broke up with me.