Questioning a friend.....

[Curious86]

Let me start off by saying I am gay. For the most part I am out and I'm ok and have accepted who I am.

My question is more of a request for advice as to how I should handle a friendship. When I relocated to another part of California I met a friend. The minute I saw him I honestly thought "he's gay". It wasn't just his appearance but the way he carried himself. I befriended him and come to find out he is straight. We've developed a very close friendship over the last 9 months and he now knows about me. During our entire friendship he's always been very open to talk to me about girls he's talking to and so on. Well about a month ago a girl from his past decides to show up after years of treating him like crap and after she's had two kids with someone else now she decides she want's something with him. Naturally I've developed feelings for him so this has been hard on me. We took a trip a few weeks ago and he finally confessed that he had a companionship with a man when he was younger (he's now in early 30's). It was never sexual but they did make out drunk once. When we talked about his sexuality he stated he didnt "think" he was gay. Everyone that meets him thinks he is, I truly believe he is but that's neither here nor there.

My dilema is the fact I can't stand to be around while he goes to figure out what's going on with this girl. Should I stop talking to him all together? Should I tell him how I feel? Should I just suck it up and deal with it? Is he gay and in denial? I just have so many questions and even if I asked him I dont think I would get the real answer. Is it possible for someone to realize they are gay in their early 30's? We sleep in the same bed together sometimes, we go grocery shopping together, gym together, dinner together. Am I reading too much into this? Any feedback would help.....

[Chip]

It's very possible for someone to be in denial or otherwise unable to accept that they are gay into their 30s and way beyond that. And the fact that he said he "didn't think" he is gay is an indication, at least to me, that he is not completely straight.

But... if he's not even sure in his own mind that he isn't straight, you are likely going to have a pretty long and frustrating path with him if you're interested in pursuing a relationship. First he'd have to accept that he's attracted to guys and then he'd have to come out, so you'd likely have a fairly long period where you're in a relationship but he's completely closeted.

If you are willing to be incredibly patient (it could take years, possibly) then I'd say you could pursue it. But there's always the possibility he will conclude he's not attracted to guys, or that he likes you as a friend and doesn't want to make it into a relationship, or something else... so I'd say tread cautiously.

[Lexington]

Welcome to EC!

You've given him one of the two big openings - you've told him you're gay. If, after this, the most he can muster is admitting he once made out with a guy when drunk, my general belief is to believe it. Either he IS straight, or he's so far into Narnia that Aslan probably wouldn't be able to find him. You're more than welcome to give him the second big opening - tell him you're interested in him. You don't have to make it a huge confession - just say "I'm a bit surprised that you're interested in this woman, because I still keep getting a gay vibe from you. And it's a bit disappointing, because I think I'd enjoy being in a relationship with you if you were gay. But since you say you aren't, I'll accept and respect that." But if he doesn't then recant and admit feelings for you or guys in general, you WILL have to accept and respect that. Not keep hounding him or look for more clues that he's faking it.

Lex

[Tristar]

For some people (such as yours truly), the process of recognizing and accepting one's sexuality can take a lot longer than others. In my case, I blame an extremely conservative (though not terribly religious) upbringing in a small rural midwest town along with other factors (low self-esteem, etc.).

I would, as Chip suggests above, be careful how you proceed. If you value his friendship, avoid pressuring him to come to a conclusion about his own sexuality. I spent a summer working in a theatre-related program where I had more than one openly-gay person repeatedly hit on me and try to "convince" me that I too was gay. Even though they turned out to be correct, I just wasn't ready to accept that at that time. Let's just say it was one of the worst few months of my life to be practically assaulted emotionally during my time there.

Just my two cents. All personal opinion based on my own experience of course.

Is there anything in particular that makes things unbearable that you can possibly address without hurting him (and your relationship) in the process?

[Curious86]

I appreciate the feedback from all of you, it has given me things to think about.

I am not contemplating cutting him out of my life all together. Is that fair? I know were friends before anything else but my feelings are too strong to just be his friend while he is out with someone else. The jealousy is killing me. Do y'all think I would be making a mistake in just pushing him out of my life all togehter?

[slowly]

It is hard for me to imagine someone not knowing that they are gay into their 30's because I knew from a very early age. But that is just my experience, and everyone's is different. It's also hard for me to understand a gay man having a girlfriend or wife, because I never have. But I know that MANY do.

Everyone's path is different and if he is gay, he is lucky to have someone like you in his life to show him that being gay doesn't have to be such a scary thing. Maybe you can help him feel more at ease with himself. If he actually is straight, then you should feel privileged that he confided in you about his gay experience. He must trust you very much. Hold onto that friendship and build on it. True trust is hard to come by!

[Curious86]

It's funny how your telling me to build on the friendship. I don't know that I Can. It hurts me to much to have him around. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.