Is it common for young gay guys to become straight?

[Sharkattack2222]

I was just looking for some advice on this topic and wondering what the rest of you think

My boyfriend and I were dating for 10 months when he broke things off with me suddenly a few days after I got home from a 3 week vacation. He says that he has been having mixed feelings and when I asked him about it, he said he wasn't sure if he was even gay anymore. While I was away, it gave him the chance to spend more time with his girl best friend (since early April) who has had a crush on him. 2 weeks after he broke up with me, they started dating eachother . Now, since he is still in high school and deals with the pressures of fitting in, is it possible that he started dating his best friend so that people would stop assuming and accusing him of being gay. Or, is it possible that he was scared of the thought of being gay and once he came across emotional feelings for another girl he just went for it to see if things could change?
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I know it seems stupid to be asking these questions, and I have already been asking about this on another board. I would just like to hear others opinions.

[Rikudo]

He could be bisexual you know? Sexual preferences aren't so black and white there is a lot of gray. Especially at a young age people do experiment.

[Sharkattack2222]

Ya you are right. I've just been comparing it too much to when I was in high school and had a girlfriend. It was so strange. I flirted with the girl and eventually felt like i got forced into dating her. It was just awkward. Than when I dated a guy it felt so right, and I knew that I was gay. I used to think I was bisexual, but even if I dated a girl now I know id be having thoughts bout guys which isnt fair.

Guess i just need to let time run its course

[crazyhead]

These things are certainly possibilities. But it's also possible that he was indeed just going through a gay phase. But you can't know which it is for someone other than yourself. If you wanna talk to him about it (without making it seem like you're telling him to be gay again) and make sure he's doing what's right for him, you could. But know that if he really is straight, this is what's best for him. Be supportive. But if he doesn't wanna hear you out, there's not really anything you can do except hope he knows what's right or will figure it out on his own.

[Sharkattack2222]

he keeps playing games..

he'll message me on facebook and make it seem like he wants to hangout, than when we start to plan things out he'll ignore me for a day or 2.

Than when he wanted me to hangout and I couldn't, he messaged me and said. "Oh.. well it would have been nice to see you".

He keeps giving me the wrong idea, and when he thinks ive started to move on, he gets jealous and makes it seem like he still cares. I don't get it.

And when I do talk to him I refer to him as straight cause thats what he wants to be labelled as

[Chip]

He's probably not straight. And he's probably not bi either.

More likely, he's struggling with his orientation. If I were to guess based onwhat you've said, my suspicion is he knows he cares about you, but he can't handle what it means to be gay and so he's going back in the closet.

For the record, it's rare for people to be gay "in a phase." People go back in the closet, but it's pretty rare for people who are genuinely straight, unless there are some very unusual circumstances (sexually abused as a child or something) to have enough attraction to same-sex partners to actually want to be in a relationship with them. A one-time drunk hookup is more plausible, but not a relationship.

It's also possible that your ex-bf has some intimacy issues (this, too, could point to a possible abuse history, though there are many other things that cause intimacy issues) and that is what can cause the get-close-pull-away routine you're seeing.

Bottom line is, it sucks, and there really isn't much you can do about it. He probably needs time to sit and think and figure himself out, and perhaps also some therapy.

Please keep us up to date about what happens.

[Sharkattack2222]

Thanks for your responses!!

I know he used to tell me that his dad wouldn't be that accepting of him being gay, but his mom would be more understanding. He gets along better with his mom.

a text i had saved from a few months ago..

[you really need to understand how my parents are and the way they act towards gays. i dont care what my parents think though and all they would say right now is "stop. you're just young, you don't know what you're talking about" really though, they don't know what it's like. my mom would accept it, but she would tell my dad. I don't want my dad to know until im atleast in college]

And I also know his 1 brother would be accepting but not the other one.

Both of his brothers constantly have girlfriends so maybe he was feeling pressured (especially in high school) to be dating a girl.

Or possibly his best friend asked him to be in the relationship and he was afraid to say "No" worried about what she or others would think.

I guess only time will tell!! He's the only one that knows the truth

And I understand what you mean. A straight guy getting drunk and hooking up with a guy is one thing, but dating one and having a relationship for almost a year is another thing. Is there any truth to the saying about straight guys never kissing other guys? ha

[Revan]

Most likely bisexual, with a bit of not wanting to be ridiculed mixed in.

[Sharkattack2222]

Well he hasn't contacted me since his girlfriend got home from her trip on Tuesday. So it's been about a week.

The last time we contacted eachother it was because he went over to a mutual friends house to hangout and than he called my best friend (he knew we were together) and told us to come over. She made up an excuse for why we couldn't go and than sure enough he messaged me almost an hour later.

him - So why didn't ya come visit tonite?!..

me (i figured it would be best to wait until the next day to respond) - I had other things to do. Didn't know it was a big deal..

him - it wasn't hahaha it woulda been nice to see you tho..

me - When you say stuff like that it gives me the wrong idea ha..

It's hard not knowing whether he hasnt been responding because he doesn't want anything to do with me. Or if its because his girlfriends home now and he knows he shouldnt be talking to me.

I know i need to move on, but it's so hard getting over a first love. I just keep thinking that he is young and isn't sure of what he wants and is scared of the whole gay thing and he will come back around. He's been with 3 girls before (i guess 4 including this one but idk what they've done) and he's told me about how it's gross.

Girl 1 - he dated for 4 years on and off he said, that was like late elementary and early highschool though. they ended their relationship badly because the girl had sex with another guy. My ex and her didn't do anything sexual, just kiss. While they were dating though, he was fooling around with his guy friend for quite some time.

Girl 2 - him and his friends were drinking in the forest and I guess he got really drunk and had sex with some girl who was with them. He didn't remember much of it, only the stuff that his friends told him.

Girl 3 - His best friend. They weren't dating but were friends with benefits. They did stuff but didn't have intercourse. He said it was just something to do for them and he mostly only recieved unless she wanted him to return the favor. This lasted around 5 months or less. She would sometimes question his sexuality which annoyed him. They stopped being friends around the time we started dating.

----------

I've gone through phases before when I tried to convince myself I wasn't gay, but after awhile i realized It was impossible to lie to myself and I'd just end up back where I started. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.. Only time will tell.

Just feels better venting about it.

[toaster]

sexuality is a fluid like. It does change in time.

[Austin]

I'm with Chip on this one.

[Just Passing]

Chip has said what I was going to say, he's probably confused about himself sexually. Being young and thinking about sex is an unpredictable combination and regardless of what happens, people are going to through a tough time figuring out who they are.

It's possible for people to identify as gay to later turn out as straight or bi and same vice versa, should they feel that way.

[Chip]

Originally Posted by toaster

sexuality is a fluid like. It does change in time.

If you're talking about sexual orientation, there is zero data to support this notion.

The *expression* of one's sexual orientation may change over time (people know, but deny it, and eventually come out). And people who are uncomfortable accepting that they're gay will often label themselves bisexual until they are ready to accept that they're gay. And people who are bisexual may be fluid in what sex of person they choose to go out with. But sexual orientation itself is not fluid; it is thought to be set very early in life, either before birth, or before age 5, according to all the credible research out there.

[Mogget]

How exactly are those studies done? I would've been confused as hell if you'd asked me questions about my sexual orientation at age 5. It also goes against the lived experience of a lot of queer people, and I'm always uncomfortable saying that social science research should take precedence against lived experience, especially the lived experience of minority groups who have traditionally been misrepresented by science.

[Sharkattack2222]

Just an update:

About a week after that he asked to be my friend on Facebook, after thinking that my friend (girl) and I were dating (I'm assuming thats why). He even came to the place we work at and brought it up in his conversation with her asking if we were really dating. He doesn't know that she knows we dated though..

So i tried waiting to accept his request, messaged him and said "Whats up?" cause I was wondering why he would add me on facebook if he wasn't going to talk to me. He didn't respond. So than I started no contact (although the night after i accepted his friend request while i was drunk. ugh) and havn't contacted him in 2 and a half weeks.

In that time he got his license though and he always shows up at the place me and my friend work (our mutual friend he thought i was dating) and he introduced his gf to her and stuff and left a note on her car. He also changed his profile picture from him and his girlfriend to the picture I used to always tell him how much I loved that was taken last summer. It's been like that ever since i accepted his friend request.

Everyone is right though, not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but it is definately getting easier not to contact him.

[Filip]

I don't know if this fits your friend exactly but him suddenly trying to get back in contact with you after thinking you ended up dating a girl reminds me of how I used to see my gay friends.

It was mean for me to hold such thoughts but what I hoped for most was this: I really wanted to see them break.
To see them admit the gay thing didn't work out and ending up going for straight dates. Because that would have vindicated me in my hope of becoming straight.

If aything ever made me OK with being gay, it was seeing how they never wavered in their gayness and just made it work, rather than giving heterosexuality another shot.


It's harder for some than for others, I guess. Even after I was out, the first time a girl asked me out, I felt this all-consuming desire to just give it a go, in hopes of discovering I really was straight. Had I not had the good friends I had (and some fellow ECers did play a large part in this), I might actually have gone through with it. The urge to conform to "normalcy" was just very strong. If your friend is the duty-bound type, it might be so for him too.


I think you're doing the right thing, though: remaining unabashedly gay, and not closing any doors (even if you're not actively contacting him, just having you on his FB friend feed should be a reminder) might be what he needs: a reminder that being gay and out and OK is possible.

[Sadepeura]

He sounds a bit like my ex. She broke up with me when she got really depressed and then didn't speak to me for two years. She started dating some guy she didn't really care about and who treated her really badly after we had broken up. Now she speaks to me again and wants to hang out (I haven't actually met her since because we both moved away) but she refuses to admit that she's gay. She's dating a new guy now but only because he wanted to date her and she didn't want to say no. But she doesn't care about him.

I hope your ex realises that he's just in denial (if he is) quicker than my ex. I don't have feelings for her anymore but I still care about her and it sucks to see her in a miserable relationship.

[Sharkattack2222]

It has to be denial, right? How many straight guys and girls would be so curious that It takes them almost a year in a same sex relationship to realize they aren't into it at all. Than again, there are people who have heterosexual relationships for long periods of time and than decide to come out. It's like Chip said, a one-time drunken hookup or a sober experience is common, but to secretly date someone of the same sex for that long is a little overboard. Today is their one month dating "anniversary" I believe. It's so funny seeing her blow up his facebook wall and the statuses he will post about her. When we were together he would always make fun of couples that did that. Maybe it was only because we couldnt? The night I decided to accept his friend request had alot to do with the fact that his status (saw it while my friend was logged intk her fb)was "I wasn't looking when I stumbled onto you, must've been fate" and we would always say that to eachother and now that he was posting it for someone else pissed me off. So I liked it to be a dick and he deleted the status and I've been on "no contact" since. I think him seeing that I'm doing just fine and not contacting him wanting to hang out and be friends will work out better in the long run. If I contact him, the ball will be in his court. He'll know I still care and will be the one to decide whether he will message me back or ignore me again.

---------- Post added 6th Sep 2011 at 10:19 AM ----------

School starts on Thursday so I guess I just hope when people see he is dating his best friend, they will leave him alone and stop questioning his sexuality. I know that's something that was bothering him. I know while we were dating he tried making it look like he was dating one of his other girl best friends on facebook for a few weeks. People can be cruel, unfortunately.

[maverick]

I think it's pretty common for young gay guys to TRY and go straight.

[Gerry]

Originally Posted by maverick

I think it's pretty common for young gay guys to TRY and go straight.

Yes, this is very true. I think a lot do try, before they realize that's who they are.