"As soon as you stop looking, you'll find it." Thoughts?

[Bi As A Kite]

That phrase only ever seems to come from people who are already snugly (perhaps smugly?) wrapped up in a relationship. Maybe I'm just jaded. Has anyone here found love when not searching for it? I seem to be seeking it by default

[Steve712]

The phrase doesn't really mean anything. It's like "a watched pot never boils." Of course it does, but it seems to take longer. It works the same way in this case. You'll find someone eventually either way, but it'll appear to be a grueling, endless quest if you're constantly searching for a partner.

[Emberstone]

it is no comfort to anyone who is lonely.

it is basically really patronizing, and kind of douchy to say to other people.

[redstormrising]

Originally Posted by Emberstone

it is no comfort to anyone who is lonely.

it is basically really patronizing, and kind of douchy to say to other people.

agree. plus, there ARE people who really do never find someone. who's to say i won't be one of those people?

[Ridiculous]

Icecream Koan:

Something that looks like a Koan, walks like a koan, quacks like a koan, but lacks... substance. It sounds meaningful at first, but after you think a moment, instead of getting some rush of insight, you realize that it is nothing more than nonsense

Anyway I thought it was "You'll always find it in the last place you look," which, funnily enough, is true.

[ezkill]

I am not quite sure how I feel about the phrase. Sometimes it irks me, and other times it makes sense. I have not exactly had any meaningful or lasting relationships, but I do know that if you actively search, you will eventually find someone. If you obsessively search, then what Steve712 has mentioned will become true. A search for your life partner should not be your only preoccupation or the only thing on your mind. Go out and have some fun, try to find a new hobby, or read a book. It makes the search much less painful. I'm not going to tell you to wait for it to happen to you, because you're right, it is annoying to hear that from people!

Another thing I have learned is that you have to be brave enough to approach people. Don't be overbearing, but don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with someone you find interesting. Many people wait to be approached, so that's where the problem lies...

Anyways good luck on your search.

[Blakqsh33p]

Just like that saying "Good things come to those who wait!"

[Austin]

I do not think it's smug or douchy to say. If you are searching too hard you're going to be overbearing and probably screw up whatever opportunities come your way. Being desperate does not make people want to be with you (usually). And I'm sure steve is right. It will seem to take longer if you focus on how long it's taking.

I don't know why anyone would be irked by this. It's solid advice. When you stop looking so hard desperately for a companion and start focusing on your own life and become happy being single you're better fit for being in a relationship.

[haelmarie]

I don't know. I oftentimes think that people who are wishing for a relationship are doing so because they feel they're missing something (someone) from their life. I would say that instead of pining away for a significant other, it's better to focus on what makes you happy right here and now. Boyfriends or girlfriends might come; they might not. The most important thing is to comfortable with who you are and what you're doing.

As an added plus, people tend to find that attractive - the whole "I need someone" bit can come off as a bit clingy if the person doesn't know you well. So maybe there is some truth to the saying.

[ezkill]

Originally Posted by Austin

I do not think it's smug or douchy to say. If you are searching too hard you're going to be overbearing and probably screw up whatever opportunities come your way. Being desperate does not make people want to be with you (usually). And I'm sure steve is right. It will seem to take longer if you focus on how long it's taking.

I don't know why anyone would be irked by this. It's solid advice. When you stop looking so hard desperately for a companion and start focusing on your own life and become happy being single you're better fit for being in a relationship.

Austin, to an extent I agree with you. However, I don't think it's desperate to keep an open eye; and you're right, it isn't smug or "douchy", but that doesn't make it any less annoying to the person on the receiving end. Yes, if you focus on your life and feel more fulfilled, you will be better fit for a relationship. No one wants to be alone, though. If you don't think about finding someone at all, it isn't like a feature film or romantic movie where some prince charming will magically approach you and ask you out. Although to be fair, it does happen, just not to everyone and it's probably not that common.

In reality, you have to do some approaching and go through some rejections to get results. If you don't attempt to find anyone at all, nothing guarantees you will ever find anyone. There are many, many single gay people in their 40s and 50s who haven't really held down a relationship longer than a year.

I guess it boils down to this: you have to strike a balance between being happy single, and keeping an eye out for potentially interesting and long-lasting partners. Not all good things in life will just fall into your lap, but on the other hand, you WILL find someone if you keep a positive outlook. Just think, self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Owen]

Originally Posted by ezkill

I guess it boils down to this: you have to strike a balance between being happy single, and keeping an eye out for potentially interesting and long-lasting partners. Not all good things in life will just fall into your lap, but on the other hand, you WILL find someone if you keep a positive outlook. Just think, self-fulfilling prophecy.

You said it way better than I could. Them's my thoughts as well.

[Just Adam]

It's funny reading how I used to be on here from other people.

I was in chat room nearly 1 1/2 years ago now moaning about man troubles with a guy I knew and this cute gorgeous man was being so compassionate and friendly. Little did I know I was chatting to the man of my dreams lol and like I say that was like 17 months ago and were happy together.

Well I say together it is long distance due to different countries. But the emotional bond is there which is what counts. Were committed

So finding love when not looking for it is sooooo true just like there's someone for everyone. I just think it's a fact of life you just can't believe it till you have someone.

Haha

[Flyers2011]

Actually. . . I've found that this is true.

For example, my senior year I decided that I didn't want to be in a relationship because I was leaving for college and I hated 79 percent of the kids I went to school with.

Guess what happened?

I had two relationships, back to back.

As much as it does suck to be single sometimes, you can use the time (and money) you'd be spending on that significant other to do new things you would want to try. Per se you want to try, rock climbing. You could meet a new person while rock climbing. If you have fun in your life, you'll meet fun people!

Just have fun right now, and you'll meet someone. Don't rush it or you'll end up dating a string of losers.

ezkill makes very good points here. i am single and have been for years so i may not be a good poster on here. i have also heard that as well..."you can't find it because you are looking". my thought is that very few things rarely fall into your lap. if you want anything you have to work for it. however, finding someone is different. you can't "work at it". working at it means that you can do something to make things happens. however with relationships and meeting people you can't make them like you, you can't make them be attracted to you and you can't make the person that is a good match for you show up. what you can do is increase the probability of you finding someone. like ezkill said, most people are shy about approaching others because they are not sure if the person is or isnt' gay. point taken, but like he said you don't have to try and ask them "hey are you gay", but you can smile, you can strike up conversation, you can be friendly without being stalkish. also, what i have realized (most recently) is that you have to carry on about the task of living your life to the fullest. sure it would be great to be with someone but does that mean you have to sit in your room or house crying day and night about it...no. get out and do things you like to do whether you have someone or not. you never know, you may find yourself meeting someone while you are out and about. noone can find you if you're locked away. finally, i think you can keep an eye open. but "looking" implies you do not have it. and the more you focus on what you do not have, the more you will get more of the same. i think people say when you aren't looking you find, because they believe that when you are relaxed, confident, and unconcerned you open yourself up to a different type of energy that attracts what you may want. who knows. all i know is this. people are attracted to people that are nice, friendly, attractive, active, and have good personalities. so make sure you are doing your best each day to present the best you can, and you will be suprised what good can come into your life.

i leave you with this. there are two roses sitting before you. one looks bright, great color, and freshly picked. the other one is wilted, sitting there for days, the color is fading and the petals are falling off. Which one would you pick? ok, so be the rose that you would want to pick yourself.

As soon as I stop looking, I'll start hunting!

Seriously though, I pay no attention to those sayings. Things will happen when I'm good and ready and I won't be sitting there for the rest of my life waiting. These days you have to move forward and waiting in any case is not moving forward.

[thedreamwatch]

Yeah, I'm just gonna echo what others have said.

Sure, it's annoying to get this advice sometimes, but the reality is, it does make you more attractive when you aren't CONSTANTLY talking about how you need to have someone in your life romantically. Not saying that people should just stop looking for companionship if that's something they want, but just don't make your whole life and all of your happiness dependent on meeting and keeping a romantic partner.

I've found that when I'm single, I'm much happier and much more likely to meet someone special when I'm out there doing things that I want to accomplish and having a little fun to boot.

[alan t]

Originally Posted by Emberstone

it is basically really patronizing, and kind of douchy to say to other people.

That's what i think too.

I've never even bothered looking, and I've never found anything either. I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone for whom this happens. (maybe because almost everyone i know is at least slightly socially awkward.)

[Idonteven]

The only time I found love was when I wasn't searching for it. The right guy just came along.

Sometimes when you don't look out for things, the best things just pop up in life.

[zeratul]

Just because you aren't looking doesn't mean you can relax completely. You still have to put yourself out there, because it doesn't happen by magic. They need to know you're gay, and they need to like you.

[Zontar]

"As soon as you stop obsessing about it, it won't seem as long until your next relationship."