So im really good friends with this guy (he's 19 and I'm 22), who i believe is in the closet (says he's interested in women on facebook, but never really talks about it.) He always tells me how good looking i am and i always catch him looking at me. We usually text everyday if we can up until night. He always accepts to for the both of us to hang out and get drunk. When this happens we usually end up making out and stuff. When he's drunk he's so touchy-feely with me too. But when he's sober he told me he would never do such things with a guy. I really want to cuddle with him while he's sober...how can i go about doing this? I'm just really nervous what he will say or do, because i never did "stuff" with him while he's sober. I would totally accept to make out him sober too, but cuddling would do! I just feel really awkward trying to ask him or whatever...I'm usually too shy. Any tips on what to do? Or what is going on? Does he really like me or is this just a crush? It's really a weird feeling cause im actually falling in love with him in a way...i just dont know if he feels the same. I keep getting visions of me spending my life with him after college... definitely a weird gut butterfly feeling. If anyone could help or give some tips, I'd appreciate it soooo much!!
Hi, and welcome to EC! He's likely very closeted and probably confused; likely in the early stages of denial. I'd suggest going very slowly and simply being his friend. I think if you try to push him to do anything while sober, you may risk having him reject you completely, simply because he probably can't yet accept for himself that he's gay (or bi, or whatever he is). I know that being patient is not what you want to hear, but it sounds like there's a possibility this could blossom into something meaningful, and it would be a shame to spoil that possibility by pushing him before he's ready. Does he know that you're gay? (assuming you are) If not, do you think he'd be comfortable knowing that, or do you think he does know, and that's why he does what he does when he's drunk? These things can be a challenge to figure out, but I think you've got the right basic idea, and I suspect that he is into you, but struggling with himself internally.
I went into college thinking I was straight as can be, then I met my girlfriend who was also straight. We were best friends that would sort of linger, and then one day we both got drunk and made out. Luckily for me we addressed it and are now both on the same page. But to be completely honest with you I knew exactly what I wanted pretty much the day I met her, I was just too scared to act on it. Every night we were drinking together I would think it would be a good enough excuse to cross that line, because then you don't have to deal with the realization. People have to deal with it on their own time, and I know it sucks but all you can really do is support him and let him come to terms with this on his own time. As you know it sucks to be in the spot he is in, and scary. You might also not know with other things he is dealing with and afraid of. Just give it time until you don't feel like waiting anymore. I wish for you that he gets brave fast. Good luck and hope this helps...
If he's not totally out and you push him to experiment before he's ready to accept that he might be bisexual or gay, he may have a come-apart and cut contact with you. Also, alcohol may be "truth serum", but when there's a huge discrepancy between one's drunken behavior and sober behavior, there's probably some unresolved emotional issues there. The fact that he makes out with you drunk and says he would never be gay when sober says to me that either he's gay/bi and can't accept it yet, or he considers your drunken dalliances playful, hedonistic and generally meaningless. I'm with Chip - just be a good friend, try not to get too friendly too fast, and just let what happens happen.
I agree with Chip & Maverick You have to give him time. Just be his friend for now and don't expect too much. Let thing progress naturally but do not force anything. You friend has self doubt issues that he needs to work out for himself. If you know he won't have a problem with you being gay/bi then i would suggest that you come out to him or at least say something that your unsure of your sexuality. But i won't advice you to do it right away, give it some time. when you see that things gets a little more heat when he is sober then do it. You guys can go through this whole sexual identity journey together.
Thank you all for your responses! I'm glad I found this place! I did forget to mention that we did have a "sober chat" and he did mention to me that he is attracted to "certain" men and that i was really attractive to him ...but he said he would never have a relationship with a guy because he really wants to have a family with kids...and finds gay sex repulsive. Not sure if he's just saying that to cover up himself for now? And the first night we got drunk together we started making out and that escalated into him pulling down my pants and him giving me a hand job (I did in fact stop it before it went any further because i knew that he had a girlfriend at the time.) I myself am bisexual, but I am in the closet also. I did talk about this to him...that I found him attractive also. He asked me why I find him attractive and I told him that I just do, there's no real explanation! I'm guessing he was just shocked? When we sit on his sofa, he also sits really close to me with his knees pointed towards me. I'm hoping to get together with him tonight...and I hope he gets the courage to cuddle with me. That's really all I'm asking for right now. If it leads to making out so be it...but I doubt it. Now my question is... should I let him initiate the cuddle? If so, how would i be able to tell if he wants to? By the way, he is going to Texas for college next week so I won't see him for a couple months...which is REALLY depressing me! But, I'm hoping that will leave some time between us for his emotions to grow...or so I hope!! lol It's almost heart-breaking...even though we don't "go together"...just a weird gut feeling...i hate this! I really would like to give him a quick kiss before he leaves...but idk if that would be too much!?
Aha! This changes things substantially. It takes it from "I'd never have a gay relationship, it's gross" to "I don't want a gay relationship because I want a family." The "I find gay sex repulsive", in the context of his other comments, is what, from a psychological perspective, is essentially a false wall. It's a mental construction used to shore up the denial. So what this tells me is that, in his own mind, he's somewhere in the stages of loss (basically, the stages one goes through to process the loss of one's identity as straight). The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and so it sounds like he's doing some bargaining ("Well, I find some guys attractive, but I want a family and kids") along with the denial. So he's further along, I think, than your first post indicated. So the good news is... he may be ready to start coming out, or at least to acknowledge attraction to you, sooner than I would have otherwise thought. But the rest of the advice form everyone that's spoken in this thread still applies; if you push it, you'll almost certainly push him away. Now... you *could* be sneaky and tell him about EC, that it's a community for people who are having feelings and questioning themselves as well as for people coming out (which is totally true.) and if he came and posted here, that might help move his process along a little more quickly. If you decide you want to do that, we can move this thread out of the publicly viewable area of EC so he'd never see it. Keep us in the loop!
Thanks so much for your response Chip! That was a big help! I'm just so depressed because he is going down to Texas actually this weekend for college and I won't be seeing him until November.......this is extremely hard for me. I'm kind of depressed. I just have to visualize that it's not too far away! Do you think with him living away for months at a time and not seeing me in person for a while that he will realize that his attraction emotions were much stronger towards me? Or will him not seeing me for a while stray him away? I certainly hope not!! Should I tell him through a text message that I really have strong feelings for him? Or should that wait until I see him again in person?
Well I never really told him through a text anything...because I'll wait until he gets home. But, I'm still curious to my question about him moving away this weekend.... I'm so depressed...
