When to have sex?

[JaeScheisse]

Title says it all. I've been brought up with the mentality that sex should only occur after marriage. But nowadays, I've been wavering on when because it seems people are not waiting till then. What are your views on this issue?

[Dragonfyre173]

Well.. I'm a little young to be judging this, as other people would say to me, but I say that sex is just the most physical form of love. If you love someone, and you've been with them for a very long time (years), then I'd say that if both of you want it, go for it. But again, I'm 'young', so you might trust the words of someone older than me more :P

[Ben]

I don't know many people who are waiting or chose to wait.

Surely the intimacy of sex (or lots of pillow talk-which I guess can happen without sex) is an important thing to experience before binding yourself with another person for life. At least I don't really think I could ever marry someone without having been close at that level before. I do see sex as sometimes just mindless fun, though, and I respect that it's a bigger deal for other people.

[Phillip]

Sex can be a very intimate experience that often brings a relationship to a new level. I believe that one being ready for sex has more to do with emotional and physical development than marital status. Sex should happen on it's own, without setting dates or milestones to justify it. It can become a wonderful addition to a loving relationship, or the crux to a relationship that hasn't fully matured yet (ex: If X doesn't have sex with me, then I don't want to be with them). My best advice is to take it slow, don't make it the selling point of a relationship, and work on forming a bond with your significant other that in no way depends on sex. Although it may be on your mind what seems like 25/7, there's no need to rush into it. Good luck

[Owen]

"When?", to me, at least, is one of the least important questions to ask yourself when it comes to the topic of having sex for the first time; quite possibly the least important, in fact.

I think one of the most important questions to ask yourself, rather than "When?" is, "Why?" Why are you having sex for the first time? Is it just because you are horny and the other person is willing to help you relieve that state? Not the best reason. Is it because you feel pressured to by society or your peers? Bad reason. Is it because you feel pressured to by the other person? Worst reason possible. But if it's because you have feelings for the person and they have feelings for you, as well, and you wish to consummate those feelings in the highest manor possible, that's a pretty good reason. If it's because you and the other person are intimately familiar with each other wish to "know" each other so as to better know each other, that's a pretty good reason. If it's because you wish to explore the realms of ecstatic physical intimacy, and you trust this person to be your guide or your fellow explorer, that's a good reason.

Of equal importance to "Why?" is "Who?" Who will you share your first time with? It should be someone that you trust, someone who respects you, and both of those should run both ways. It should be someone who wants you to enjoy it just as much as they want to enjoy it themselves. It should be someone for whom your comfort with what is going on is of utmost importance, someone who will ask if you are comfortable going further as you are proceeding and someone who will take a "no" seriously. It should be someone who won't rush you into going faster or farther than you are comfortable. It should be someone who will recognize that, being that this is your first time, it's a big deal, and will treat the occasion with the respect it deserves. In short, trust and respect are the keys to answering the question of "Who?"

And as for the question of "What?", start slowly. If you haven't gone very far physically, you shouldn't jump right into "going all the way". It should be a gradual process where you start off with lighter things (making out, caressing) so as to gradually expose yourself to the sensations you'll be feeling more strongly once you go all the way. Even if you have experience with that realm of intimacy, it's worth it to go through those motions with the person you'll share your "first time" with, so you two can become more familiar, which will make the end result that much more enjoyable.

Of course, it can't happen if you don't answer the question of "How?", and for practical reasons, it's pretty important to consider the question of "Where?" So when you really get down to it, "When?" becomes quite unimportant. But to answer the question of "When?": you should do it after you've reached the age of consent in your state/country and when you have satisfactory answers to all of the other questions.

Edit: It's also worth adding that I think it's advisable to have some kind of pre-marital sex before you marry someone (even if it's before you get engaged), so that you can determine if you and the other person are sexually compatible. It takes a lot more than compatible sexualities to make sex work. If they're really rough and you prefer it tender, or they like talking dirty and you prefer to be more romantic, or they're really fetishistic and you're more vanilla, it's important to find that out before you swear to only have sex with that person for the rest of your life.

[Zontar]

Waiting until marriage is not doing yourself nor your partner any favors. It's a holdover from when people actually took religion seriously. I would strongly advise against that.

The correct answer to this question is "when you're ready" and "when you're safe." It's all subjective, what you feel is the correct time.

[maverick]

I don't believe in waiting before marriage. People have to be proven as compatible lovers before they'll be a compatible marriage.

I think waiting 'til marriage is archaic. That's just my personal opinion though.

I do think people should wait and have sex with someone they care about though, rather than a random hookup.

[Robert]

The first question you need to ask yourself is "what is marriage?"