From the Land of No Lesbians

[ElizabethAnne]

Hi everyone,
Dunno what to say here except what's going on, and I'm sorry if it's overly emotional. That's just how I'm feeling right now. Two months ago, I moved to South Korea, and wow, what a different place this is from Canada. There's no such thing as gay here. At least, well, we all know there is, but no one ever talks about it. I'm an English teacher, and if were to ever come out, here, I'd get fired straight away.

But the thing is, I've never really identified as gay (not sure why), but I've always just felt like saying, "i'm myself" or 'i've been known to date women' instead of 'I'm a lesbian." And I've always kind of felt trans. But not that I needed to be a guy, I just don't want to have the burdens of either gender. I want to be who I feel like at that exact moment. Sometimes my breasts make me angry, and sometimes when I get my period it's another reminder that I'm not who I feel I am, and I can't be. Especially here in Korea, where gender stereotypes are so prevalent that my girls will hardly speak in class, because that's just not what a good girl does. But here, in Korea, I'm drifting back towards looking like a girl - growing my hair out, wearing girly clothes, partly because it makes me happy, but maybe also because I feel so much pressure to conform. And while I'm all about the hairbands and mascara these days, I have this other part of me that just wants to go and buy some T on the internet and just take it for a little while to deepen my voice. Which sounds super-f**ed up, I know, I guess I'm just being perfectly honest.

Anyways, I feel so confused because I don't feel like I'm a lesbian, and yet, I really only want to be with women (there's something so awesome and precious about it), so while there is a small lezzie community here, I don't want to meet up with people just because we happen to like the same gender of person, and yet I feel really lonely, and like there's no one here that I can trust or be friends with.

I know that's a terrible mess of emotions and that maybe the answer's perfectly obvious, but I feel like I've felt this through, and I just don't know.

Bah, but if there's anyone out there who's felt the same, or understands, I would so love to hear from you right now!
Best,
Jay.