What is it like to be transgendered?

[DarkClarity]

Since I'm not transgendered I'll never really know what it's like but I want to get an idea of what it's like. How does it feel? How does it affect you mentally? How did others react when you told them? How does it differ from coming out? I've only really heard things like you feel disconnected from your body; I've also heard it feels like a dream. I don't know much about transgendered people but hopefully I'll learn more.

[Veronica]

Originally Posted by DarkClarity

Since I'm not transgendered I'll never really know what it's like but I want to get an idea of what it's like. How does it feel?

When I'm able to explain it, I'll let you know

Originally Posted by DarkClarity

How does it affect you mentally?

It is frustrating most of all. Feels like being screwed over by nature. Which I suppose goes for a lot of other people too, not just TGs. Mostly the frustration comes from conforming to a gender-role every damn day. After a while the rest of you just screams to get out.

Originally Posted by DarkClarity

How did others react when you told them? How does it differ from coming out?

Only told a therapist, and he's an expert on the issue, so the reaction is as expected: professional.

Originally Posted by DarkClarity

I've only really heard things like you feel disconnected from your body; I've also heard it feels like a dream. I don't know much about transgendered people but hopefully I'll learn more.

Ok, I identify as bigendered, or somewhere between that an MtF. I honestly don't know. Hopefully talking to a professional will help me figure it out. Feeling disconnected from your body, hmm, yeah a bit. It is more like the body is incomplete somehow. The big question for me is: Would I also feel incomplete if I was born with a female body? I don't know. I think I would be better of, but honestly I don't know the answer to that either. But hell, a lot of people are unhappy with their body, and can't do anything about it. Doing something about it surgically is a very drastic step and not to be taken lightly. By biggest issue I think is how to manage having relationships. I just met a great girl, and I am not sure how to approach the issue—if at all.

[Leif]

I'm still figuring this all out for myself but I'll answer your questions to the best of my ability.

How does it feel? How does it affect you mentally?

It feels... complicated. On one hand, I've felt this way my whole life so I'm used to it in a way. But at the same time, you never really don't get used to feeling like your body isn't right. I have a REALLY nerdy comparison. Okay have you ever seen the movie The Matrix, most people have and that's why I use this example. You know how once they're out of the matrix and go back in everyone has this internal image of their outward selves? Well it's kinda like my internal image and my physical body don't match. When I think of myself I see this chubby, hispanic male, sideburns and all. And then I look at myself in the mirror and see this very womanly person looking back at me. It just doesn't fit.

Mentally, of course, it is also very conflicting. I was raised as a female. Everything I've been taught from my parents has been what it means to be a woman. My mom forced me to be more feminine while I lived at home and has really ingrained some things in my mind. When I was in my early teen years she started making me wear make up because if I didn't "no one would love me because I looked ugly with out my face done up." To this day it's almost impossible for me to go out without doing my make up. But I feel dumb putting it on and it doesn't feel right. It's a daily battle with myself. After years of forcing myself to be someone different it's hard to finally just be me.

How did others react when you told them?How does it differ from coming out?

Well, so far only three people know. One is my best friend, who is also here on EC. He was surprised and concerned but he's the most awesome accepting person I know and he was the one that helped me come up with my name. Which by the way feels awesome to be called.

The second person is my friend from work and it didn't phase him at all. He just kinda looked at me and said "you know my brother I'm always talking about? He used to be my sister." So me coming out to him really didn't phase him.

The third person is one of my online friends. He was telling me he's into cross dressing and has been seriously thought that he may be trans MtF and I was like, "well I feel the need to tell you something now, I'm trans... So wee!". So that went pretty well too.

I'm working on telling a fourth person and I'm utterly horrified of it turning out badly. He and I dated for a while and I know he still has a thing for me. I really don't want to hurt his feelings.

It's odd for me, this whole coming out thing is new to me. I never really had to come out to anyone being bi because everyone pretty much knew already. So it's an adventure in the least. Stressful. With this fourth person it's going to be a little bit more complicated because he's a bit naive when it comes to sexuality. So I've just been explaining things little by little so it's not a huge shock when I tell him. "Hey, guess what Puppy? I'm a dude!" (my nickname for him is puppy Because he's so dang innocent at times)

I've only really heard things like you feel disconnected from your body; I've also heard it feels like a dream. I don't know much about transgendered people but hopefully I'll learn more.

I suppose it does kinda feel like being disconnected from my body. Here's the thing, I'm an overweight female, I have issues enough as it is when it comes to that. Pile this whole not being the right gender stuff on top and it's a whole mess of crazy. Some days I'm perfectly fine with my body though. And others it feels like (another nerdy reference) Sam from Quantum Leap. I'm in this body and it's not my own and I want to get back to mine. Except I never had one to begin with so it leaves me feeling very misplaced. Like I said before, sometimes I'll look at myself in the mirror and just wonder "... who the heck are you?"

I've always felt like a male. I didn't consider myself a tomboy. I considered myself a boy. I was introduced to sex at a very young age and from that age on I never felt right with my girl bits. I would be like, No, this isn't right... there should definitely be a penis down there. I wrapped my chest for years until I just gave up. Other females tell me I'm "lucky". I feel lost in my own body. I Live for the day that I'll be able to take my shirt off and just hang out. I don't feel like a woman. I feel like a man missing his guy bits. For years I've dealt with depression and self mutilation because I just didn't feel right.

I'm workin on it though. I keep a journal and keep track of all the things I like about myself so that when I'm down I don't get lost in the thoughts of not knowing who I am. I've started working out. I do this thing, that makes me feel Very silly, where I talk to myself while looking at the mirror. My old therapist had me do it. I'll say something like "Hi Leif, today is going to be another tough day. I'm feelin kinda depressed so I need to keep busy. People are still going to call you Lizzette and stare at your chest. It's okay. It took me 21 years to get to this point and it might take another 21 plus to get to where I want to but it'll be worth it." It feels silly but it feels nice to give myself a little pep talk.

So yeah, that's a bit how it is for me. Thanks for asking questions. It makes me question myself and move forward with my life

[Veronica]

Originally Posted by Leif

I have a REALLY nerdy comparison. Okay have you ever seen the movie The Matrix, most people have and that's why I use this example. You know how once they're out of the matrix and go back in everyone has this internal image of their outward selves? Well it's kinda like my internal image and my physical body don't match.

I have thought the exact same thing. It was also my first thought when I saw that movie

Made me wish the world really was an illusion like that, and the reason I was the way I am was because my physical body actually was female, and by a programming glitch, I was projected as a male avatar in the system. So all I need is to wake up. Neo ... or Trinity rather ... come save me!

I know, it's dumb, but it kinda describes a bit how it feels .,,

... did that make sense to anyone?

[DarkClarity]

Thanks Leif and Veronica for answering.

[Veronica]

Wrote a blogpost about the Matrix bit by the way ...

---------- Post added 4th Sep 2011 at 04:45 PM ----------

Originally Posted by DarkClarity

Thanks Leif and Veronica for answering.

... and thanks a lot for asking

[Keelin]

For me, It just kinda stinks. I haven't come out yet but I hate that feeling of being so trapped, like a never ending maze, of pretending you like things about that gender (for boys, swimming with my shirt of, etc) and then having to do those things.

I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to comment.

[Keelin]

mentally: IT stinks, makes you feel like you'll burst at any time from the discomfort of your body, and just keeps destroying you again and again

It doesn't feel like a dream so much as it does just feeling disconnected

[thecat06]

i identify as bigendered, so really only on the days where I feel more like a man do I have that disconnect.

The Matrix analogy is really good though...

[Haberdasher]

Never not plug this site. I really think it is brilliant for learning about trans issues though it does have a strong binary focus and also a strong transwoman focus (although most issues translate more or less).

[maverick]

The Hero Doesn’t Die In This One

I need to just admit
that everything I say is a lie
including this
and my every breath
an alibi
for the man I have no courage to be
the one who says exactly what he means
unafraid of the words
the one who takes the lack of rearview mirror
as a literal sign that the past is gone
the one who can forgive his own trespasses
and those who have trespassed against him
the one who does not carry old hurts like worry stones
in his pockets
the one who doesn’t bolt like a wild animal
the morning after
the one who whispers loving words caged like a prayer to deaf saints
for the screams that echo only between his ears
for the love I carry in hand like a hot coal
wanting to lash it at the universe
out of spite at the cruel joke
at the shitty set I’m not allowed to fold
leaving the pawn shop with petty cash in hand
because there is no more room in my life
for a loaded gun.

I am charged with existence
guilty of being
no plea with gods or masters
can save me from myself
from this pariah I have deliberately become
from the soul that is trapped between
ears and legs and chest and eyes and heart
the only parts of me that show
none of them the boy reaching desperately through the crack in the wall
for your hand
You think I’m a blasphemy
pathetic
and I have spent so many years believing you
that you have me convinced it’s true.

So I don’t let angels touch me without flinching
I don’t want to play your goddamned reindeer games
I refuse to meet their eyes in sleazy bars
and I put my heart on ice
waiting for the moment when I admit
that I can never be what you want me to be
that you already believe the lie my body tells
more than the truth in my eyes
or in my words
that I am asking more than you will ever give
and you are asking more than I will ever have
and the damned are always articulate, they have the time
to think.

I am captive in more ways than one, bound
and this constant ache in my chest is not due
to the constriction of position
the Ace bandage covers a wound
that only bleeds on paper
in three year-old sonnets hidden
poems shoved to the bottom of a drawer
because they touch too close to the truth and I am
more comfortable being a liar
the biological double agent
pretending that I don’t care anymore
how any of you fuckers really feel
if you don’t have the balls
to say it.

^ It's like this.

[lemoncookies]

It honestly just feels to me that there's two people living in one skin.

[fabuloustodd]

I've never not been transgender, so it's hard to say. What does it feel like to be cisgender?

The hardest thing for me, now that I am well into transition and able to live life in my true gender, is getting past the feeling that I've missed out on my rightful childhood. Obviously, as a transgender adult, I was once a transgender child. And although I had fairly open-minded parents who allowed me to wear what I wanted and called my by the name I chose, they weren't educated enough on gender identity to actually have helped me transition and grow up as a boy.

There's a lot of residual anger and anxiety around feeling like I wasn't listened to or taken seriously when I talked about my own identity until I was well into my college years. I still have difficulty bonding with other guys (well, with straight guys anyway) because I missed out on so many years of practice of just casually being boys together.

There's also the body issue which, for some, can never fully be cured. Have you heard of phantom limbs? Often when people have body parts amputated, they continue to feel as if they are still there. It's caused by the map of your body that your brain has. Your brain essentially expects your body to be configured in a certain way and it can be quite disorienting when you feel a part of your body, but it isn't actually there anymore.

Studies have shown that cisgender men who lose their penises often experience phantom penis, whereas transgender women who have lower surgery don't. The theory is that their brains, being female, have not mapped for a penis. Conversely, the male brain of a transgender male has mapped for the external genitalia that he was born without. Not all trans people experience this, but a good number do and it's something we often just have to live with.

[seeksanctuary]

Originally Posted by fabuloustodd

There's a lot of residual anger and anxiety around feeling like I wasn't listened to or taken seriously when I talked about my own identity until I was well into my college years. I still have difficulty bonding with other guys (well, with straight guys anyway) because I missed out on so many years of practice of just casually being boys together.

This, this, this.

Along with what everyone else said above, I have a lot of anger and grief that I'm working through still in relation to my childhood. Being 23 and not having come out until I was about 19, I feel like I was robbed of my childhood. It angers me that I wasn't able to grow up as the boy I knew I was, and it also makes me intensely sad that I missed out on so much because I was so miserable and uncomfortable in my own skin. I never had many friends, never really enjoyed life... Had I been born cisgender, things would have been different, I'm sure.

Luckily, I have the rest of my life to make up for it.

[just b urself]

its all difficult.im questioning if im transgender(ftm)im not sure but i do feel pretty weird.i can relate to alot of what u guys have said.i feel alot better also when someone calls me a guy or treats me liek one..or i look liek one..idk its all confusing..