i respect all you people outthere that have the balls to come out the closet because i can't bring myself to do it yet. i can't. i know that some of you have helped steer me towards clarity and all but i am still confused. last week wednesday or thursday, i decided to go ahead and speak something that i couldn't and did not want to understand out of fear. for me to actually talk about it even to myself because i couldn't even write what i was going through was something i wasn't planning on doing until who knows when. i decided instead of confronting myself with this issue, i was going to tell someone on the internet it since it would be better to say it to a stranger better than myself or someone i know because i know that neither i or the person i know would accept it at all. i've been dabbling the water a bit with my feet hinting how i feel, denying it and at the same time in my mind, fantasizing and desiring it. that and what was going on in my waking life where i would look at girls, be scared to talk to them in a romantic sense, hook up with them and etc really just made me get upset with myself. there's not a girl right now that i actually want in a romantic sense and the last one that i did kinda have feelings for, some attraction to, she really wasn't running through my mind like that. not like how some other guys have ran through my mind for days, weeks, months. why am i having thoughts about men? why i can't bring myself to talk to this girl so i can go out with her and get laid? why i can't bring myself to let myself go and have sex with women? why am i checking out other guys in the club and not the girls by the bar? why can't i fix myself? i was getting annoyed. it was all coming into full circle. plus my past wasn't helping out either. in fact, my past scares me. i wouldn't have dared mention that i had once masturbated to guys along with girls when i was 9, 10 years old and enjoying it. just the thought that i masturbated to guys made me cringe. as well as the crushes that i had towards other guys. i also had crushes to girls here and there. you know but as i got older, things got a little different i guess. i'm just confused and until something really happens to make me sure that i'm gay or bisexual, i'm going to just stay in the closet.
